The 4 C’s of Communication are:

Confrontation: The clashing of forces or ideas

Conversation: oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas

Communicate: to convey knowledge of or information about

Criticizing: to find fault with: point out the faults of

Okay please get out your pencils and your paper, or should (I say keypad and Ipad) and take notes! Now that I just gave you a vocabulary lesson let’s talk a little bit about why these four words can make or break a relationship. I can remember when I was getting married and seeking advice from other married people.  The number one thing that they said was  “communication will be the most important thing in your relationship.” I thought to myself, “well if communication is the most important thing, then how come so many relationships don’t last…because couples talk all the time?”

Well, little did I know, what most people call communicating is really criticizing and what most call conversation is really confrontation! Come follow me…let’s talk about it!

NEWS FLASH: Ladies, men are very sensitive yet competitive and ego driven creatures.

PSA: Fellas, ladies are very emotional and sensitive creatures as well.

What does this mean? This means, ladies, when you call yourself “communicating” what you might want your man to do differently, it turns into criticizing what he is doing.  And, his competitive and defensive nature will rear its ugly head and you will probably get NOTHING accomplished.  And in turn, he will have attitude and not change anything just to be spiteful.

Fellas, when you call yourself having a conversation with her about something. Yet you begin to raise your voice or talk down to her, it turns into a confrontation.  And, her sensitive and emotional nature will rear its head.  She may begin to cry and absolutely NOTHING will get accomplished AND you now feel bad that you made her cry.  Does any of this sound familiar yet? Well even if it doesn’t read on…

Here is a scenario that might make it a little clearer:

Scenario 1:

Her: Why can’t you get this done right, it’s so simple and you act like you are dumb and can’t do it right. (This could be about anything from dishes, laundry…)

Him: Well if it’s so darn easy then you do it your way and do it yourself. I’m done!

Conclusion: She ends up doing it herself and he ends up mad.

Scenario 2:

Him:  (In a raised voice) You are so disrespectful, how come you didn’t call me when you got there so I knew you were safe? I bet you are so busy with your little friends you act like you can’t remember anything!”

Conclusion: Her feelings are hurt because you attacked her and her friends and you end up with tears and snot bubbles!

Okay lets consider what some effective communication might look like for Scenario 1:

 Her: Hey baby I see that you did the dishes and I really appreciate you taking care of that (gives kiss). There is one thing I want to show you that might make it easier on both of us…come here let me show you.

 Him: Oh okay babe, I never realized that that’s why you like to do it that way. Okay I got cha!

 Conclusion: He has a better understanding and next time he will probably do it the way you asked him because he realizes how it makes things easier for you and him.

Effective communication for Scenario 2:

Him: Hey babe I hope you are having fun!  You forgot to call and let me know you made it okay.  I’m your husband and I always want to know that you are safe and sound, especially when you are going so far away.  You may not always be able to talk, but even a text is fine just so that I know that all is well.

Her: Okay baby, my mistake.  I was just so excited about the trip! I will make sure that I do it next time…I don’t want my baby worried about me.

Conclusion: She will make a conscious effort to check in with you next time and the protective nature of her man will probably turn her on (I said protective…not overly jealous or stalker!).

it’s not always what you say, but it’s how you say it

Okay so what’s my point? It’s very simple…. communication in a relationship or marriage is important and is vital for long-term survival together. If you can’t effectively communicate without criticizing then you will have way more confrontations than conversations. You shouldn’t have to argue and fuss with your mate all the time to get your point across. Constant confrontation and arguments drain the relationship and builds up resentment that ultimately causes the relationship to break down. There will always be differences in opinion and ideas in relationships, but the ability to communicate those in a mature way are the only way for two imperfect people to consistently get on the same page. Your way isn’t the only way and your mate can’t always read your mind. Learn to communicate your wants and needs, but just like your mother used to tell you…”it’s not always what you say, but it’s how you say it!” Learn to communicate instead of criticize and learn to have conversations instead of confrontations! Just do it!

BMWK Fam –  get involved in the conversation: What are some effective communication techniques that you use in your relationship?