Many couples come in to see me to discuss the difficulties they are having in their sex life. Most of them explain that at the onset of their relationship sex was great, but as the relationship went on it began to become less frequent and often less intimate. These couples are often surprised about where we begin in addressing this issue, because we don’t start talking about sex in particular, but rather intimacy. Intimacy is the beginning of great sex. As as your relationship matures, you have to enjoy each other at an increased level of intimacy or your sexual interest in each other will begin to decline.
1. Understand that men and women are different.
So many couples go into relationships downplaying or ignoring the differences between them and they try to be more like one another rather than just being themselves. God made men and women extraordinarily different and it is through their differences that they are incredibly complimentary. Think about it for a second, God made a man totally different physiologically than a woman. I mean they are 100% opposite from one another. But, in those differences they are designed to fit perfectly together. Especially when it comes to sex. Sex for women is primarily emotionally driven, while sex for men is hormonally driven. he has a penis and she has a vagina. They operate and function differently, but are made for a perfect fit. The better you understand and except your differences, the better you will fit together. Often couples see their differences as a negative thing or begin to try get their partner to act like, think like, or make decisions like them. That only discourages intimacy and puts a wedge in your sex life. I want you to begin thinking this way; your differences are the best thing that could have ever happened for your relationship. So bring your differences together and see how your differences can create closeness that leads to an incredibly passionate fit for each other. Remember, God made you different only to make you fit.
2. Be one with your spouse, but be you.
In marriage, oneness does not mean sameness. Way too often couples spend their time trying to be the same and in doing so they miss the importance of their differences. Husbands and wives need to appreciate their completeness, rather than having a perspective that marriage somehow makes them complete. Marriage doesn’t complete you, it simply expresses the fullness of what God has put in you and your partner. So men are not running around “a rib short” and looking for their missing rib, like many of us were taught. In fact, God did not complete the forming of Adam until he took one of Adam’s ribs and made Eve. At that point Adam was complete — fearfully and wonderfully made — not short a rib, but rather having the exact number he needed. You have to stop seeing yourself as needing something or lacking something and you have to start seeing yourself as having something to offer. See yourself as an asset to the relationship rather than a liability. Don’t loose yourself in your role as a husband or wife, but find yourself in the beauty and independence of your own ability to love. Yes, you are a spouse, but you are also a lover and you have a lot of love to give. Feel positive. Think positive. And realize that you have something to give your partner and they can’t get it anywhere else as good as you can give it. Remember to treasure your completeness and the way God made you to be fitted perfectly with your spouse for great sex. Be you and let the best of you be all you have to offer.
3. Sexual satisfaction is learned.
In order to know your partner, you must attentively learn your partner. Good students pay attention, ask questions, and study for tests. The student that studies the hardest is going to get the highest grade. So if you thought sex was good in the beginning of the relationship, you are in for a surprise, because at that point you were only enrolling in the school. After you’ve had some I’m mad at you sex, I quit sex, I’m back sex, I give up sex, I lost my job sex, your children are driving me crazy sex, you make me sick sex, and whatever else you’ve been through sex, you haven’t had sex at all. You see, God intended for your challenges to draw you closer together. They were not meant to have you go out and be with other people, nor to lose your passion for one another. They were never intended to stop you from dreaming of a future together. But those challenges came so that you can figure out what you’re learning and how their making your differences fit better together.
4. Foreplay does not just happen before sex.
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God wants you to have fun! As a matter-of-fact, He makes the day for your enjoyment and if it wasn’t for your enjoyment, He wouldn’t have made it. So foreplay doesn’t just begin before having sex; it starts by you deciding to have fun together all the time. By you anticipating waking up to play with your partner like you were waiting to go and play at a friend’s when you were younger. Great sex is passionately driven by the enjoyment couples share with each other everyday. When couples learn to play like innocent children on the playground, great sex becomes easy. Commit to having fun ‘in the moment.’ Learn to laugh with each other and at yourself. Remember, fun-ship leads to friendship, so start having fun, intentionally.