by Desiree Coleman
Are you an adoring wife dealing with a man who is suffering from M.B.S. (Mama’s Boy Syndrome)? If so, you understand the challenges of having a man who puts his mama first, while you or your family take the backseat. It’s a difficult situation, so here are four tips to help you cope:
Do a litmus test ““ Not every man who is sensitive to the needs of his mother is a “mama’s boy.” Here’s the real test: if he had to choose between your family and his mama, who would he prioritize as most important? For example, if you planned a day of family activities, but mama calls and needs help at the grocery store, what would take precedence? Is your family his #1 priority or does he allow mama’s requests for his time, talent and treasures to trump your family’s needs? Every man should be considerate and caring of his mother, but no man should consistently put his mother before his own family.
Stop trying to convince him ““ If you’ve determined he is in fact a mama’s boy, what next? Wives possess a sixth sense like ninjas that provides great perception, but men lack this. Therefore, after bringing the issue to his attention, you will have to give him the time and space to come to his own realization about his behavior. Even if your accusations are true, he has to recognize the problem for himself before changing. Nagging and complaining will not help. Once you’ve made your concerns about his M.B.S. behavior known, be quiet and stop bringing it up.
Don’t disrespect your husband (even when he’s wrong) ““ Scenario: you check the bank statement and he’s spent the last $200 on fixing his mama’s orthopedics. Yes, he was wrong for not consulting you, but busting up the family reunion to confront him will not fix the situation. Neither will name-calling or public humiliation. In fact, all of the above will worsen the situation and he’ll be less receptive. So do your part to help the situation by not disrespecting your man.
Leave and cleave ““ This is a principle that your husband missed during marriage counseling. Or maybe he fell asleep during Jumping the Broom. The real problem with a mama’s boy is that they are not “all in.” In other words, he’s so strongly connected to his mama that he is unable or unwilling to make her 2nd place so that you and your family can take 1st place. Leaving and cleaving is like building a bird’s nest. Your family’s nest will never be solid if he’s taking all the worms and twigs back to his mama’s nest.
Leaving and cleaving is a concept that you, as his wife, probably won’t be able to teach him. So, consider a male cousin, uncle, religious leader or wise co-worker who can help him understand the importance of putting his own family first. You will undoubtedly need some divine intervention to change your husband’s heart and help him to realize how his actions negatively impact your feelings and your family, but change is possible, so be patient.
Dealing with a mama’s boy can be a challenging family dynamic, but these four principles will help you to approach the situation properly so that your man can realize how his behavior is detrimental to building a strong and lasting family.
Desiree S. Coleman is a blogger and freelance writer who inspires healthy, whole relationships. Her blog, The Love Journey,(www.thelovejourney.com) offers useful tips for singles, as well as, fresh and fun insights on marriage and relationships.
This can apply to women with the Alice Kramden/Wilma Flintstone nosey, blabbermouth mamas too! Good advice.
Great! I am so glad that you liked it 🙂 Nosey is never good. Lol!
These are all true, my husband is a converted mama’s boy and she can’t handle it! I <3 my hubby:-)
That’s wonderful! I am so glad that it worked out! Please shared some things that worked for him to turn it around. Thanks! ~Desiree
Shame on you!
my husband’s mother broke up our marriage…
I am so sorry to hear that! I hope that more men can understand how important it is to make their wife first. God bless!
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Wow..I’m sorry to hear that…But I believe it..
It’s about to happen to me to and I have 5 kids and no place to go any advice?
Great article. My husband is a mama’s boy but my mother-in-law understood the importance of letting go of her son so that he could be a great husband to me and eventually a great father to our children. I have the best mother-in-law in the world! I model my parenting of my son after how she developed a close BUT HEALTHY relationship with her son and was able to let him go when he married me. I am very close to my son (he’s only three) but I’m praying that I will be able to get out of the way when it is time for him to leave and cleave to his wife.
Such an awesome read, thanks for making it plain and clear, that if a man adores his mother and she is one of his greatest allies; that doesn’t necessarily means he’s a “mama’s boy”. I have a great son, loving, kind, gentle and a hard worker who loves, loves the Lord and his family and is wise enough to know mama has already walked it out.
You sound like such a pathetic mama’s boy…”mama has already walked it out” PLEASE GET A LIFE!
I mean mama’s boy enabler/creator. In other words a nosy bitch.
Oh man, this is something I worry about! A man that loves and respects his mom is the best and a must, but what happens when it goes to far? Awesome article and I’m keeping it in my files as I go through these (final) stages of courtship. (p.s. Loved Jumping the Broom! & lol at instincts like ninjas!)
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Desireee, this is a great article. Well done! My favorite quote: “Even if your accusations are true, he has to recognize the problem for himself before changing. Nagging and complaining will not help. Once youve made your concerns about his M.B.S. behavior known, be quiet and stop bringing it up.” That’s such great and practical advice to be applied to all situations when dealing with men. I love to refer to it as “being honest with him” but the truth is that it’s “nagging”.
LOL! I know what you mean….I feel the need to reinterate again and again if I feel like there isn’t immediate action on something, but that only makes it worse. Even if its the truth…I’ve learned that I’ve gotta let it go….
This was a great read for me as a single. M.S.B. is certainly something to be on the lookout for while courting.
Thanks so much for your comment! Just keep your eyes and ears open….and you’ll be ready if you ever encounter someone with M.B.S. ~Desiree
For all you Ladies with these MaMa’s Boy’s..Here’s a tip..Wait until his mother dies.. than marry him…. Actually just Forget Him Now and MOVE ON..And He may just be a Spoiled MaMa’s boy.. you’re gonna have a Big Baby on your hands that throws tantrums..Some of these Over Grown MaMa’s Boys are Spoiled Brats..
I actually have been dealing with MBS for over 20 years. Mom died a few years ago an the situation has been worse. She is talked about daily as if she were still here and her “quotes” what her opinions were prior to death are voiced.. It’s almost like she’s haunting from her grave. Bottom line he is still dedicated to her in death. His attention did not focus on the family after her death.
im also with mumma boy sort of husband he has changed himself sumwat after giving me ill mental health coz of dis.after 4 n half yers i ve decided 2 start a home business to change sumthing coz his mother has not taught him to keep wife n child first neiher financialy nor emotionaly. firstly mymma papa then he is most imporaent .he has befooled me with sweet words as yet.will my decision work for me or i shoud go for a job to change my mental health which i dont want coz of child or i should wait for changes at least now i dont feel his mother around but after 1 or 2 years she will live with us
Exceot #3 these weren’t that helpful in showing us how to handle men who don’t leave and cleave
My mother in law’s husband is a mama’s boy, and she seems to have accepted that, but she can’t understand why my husband (her son) isn’t. She seems (to me at least) to take it out on my that her son doesn’t immediately drop everything we have planned to take her somewhere. If he’s working there is no problem, but if we want to go visit some friends we haven’t seen in months, it’s a huge fight. (Why can’t we see them later? So what if they just had a baby? Y’all should have did that last week! and all that nonsense.) The crazy thing is every time she wants him to come over is to drive her somewhere, but my husband doesn’t own a car. Her husband does! It’s getting ridiculous but we don’t know how to get her to stop.
Sounds like she just wants the extra attention of her son….but you guys are doing good to be aware and be on a united front. -Desiree
great post
Wow, this is good advice. I’m definitely passing this article on to a friend.
Haha, I’m sitting here reading this article and I LOVE it. Especially the “Litmus Test”…smh, that is a definite sign. Overall, as another person said above, the men should have an article for the women who cleave to their mothers who think they know it all! 🙂
I love Desiree. Thanks and keep ur inspiration coming
i have been dating this man for over 11 years off and on. he ia the oldest child of the three. his mom had a drinking problem which ruined her marriage. now that she is in a divorce battle, her husband refuse to pay ber court ordered money so everytime she needs something she calls him cries to him and there he goes off to send money pay her nills. it has come to a point where we fight over money. he wouuld always say i dont have money when my son and i wanna do something but the minute she calls he sends her almost everything his got. then he complains oh i dont have nice clothes i dont have that to the point where i have just made it my obligation to provide for ji. and my son. he says that since i chose to live in jersey i should pay for the bills. today is valentones day
was afraid to ask him to bring me lunch at work because when we went out this weeke
nd when we came home he complained about how paying for dinner hurt him. i so did
want to argue so i gave him half of the dinner bill. now that happened sunday today is tuesday and his mom has been calling him none stop some time 6 or 7 times an day telling him how broke she is. how she cant afford clothes for his brother. ok i can understand to helping mom with his brother, but when u tell ur own son he shouldnt have the best equipment for sports causw it is too expensive and u go out and buy your br$550 worth of clothes and shoes for $70 enough is enojgh. mind u he just sent his mom $200 three weeks ago now in the last 3 weeks u have spent 750 on ur mother and brother but yet ur broke for ur family. i dont get it. i need help to understand whay i cant get to see that wbat his mom is doing is manipulating him. plz help
Reading this made me realize that if I am not a Momma’s girl, I am very close to it. With that being said, I need to know how to go from this extreme to just a caring daughter. I don’t believe that I put my mom before my family and significant other, but it seems to be a reocurring issue. Please direct me towards any help you may be able to offer.
hi desiree,
am from India! Married 1.5yr and ve 11m old daughter. My guy loves me but my MIL has spoilt him like brat. I duno where v r heading! My FIl is a MBS, my hubby thinks he is not. My mil has spoilt him so much that my hubby doesnt listen to me or his father or his gparents but only to his mom. He talks to me or even takes me out on her order & her words is what would be his. So biased n mean! Ours is a joint family, pl suggest. Am worried abt my child! Now my mil trick is to make my child like her brat son who sits @ home, lives on his parents money, drink whole day, be dirty, get fed- mind u food as well medicine & bla bla bla! Now i need to take a cal what to do? How to change him? He is good n loves me but all on my mil word!! Desiree lookin fwd from u, love- shree
*fil- father in law
*mil- mother in law
Shree- Have you tried to share your concerns? Is it possible for you guys to move a little farther from family, just to create a little distance to help you establish you own relationship? Would MIL be receptive to you sharing some concerns?
i have a 46 year old m.b.s. and he would give her the last piece of bread we have. you dont dare talk about her in a bad way, but he talks about my folks like they are dogs. his mom can do something bad and my mom can do the same thing and my mom is the only one in the wrong. when decisions are made about our land he go to mom first and they talk and then he comes and tells me what they have decided. he would get her a expensive gift for christmas and i would get sommething cheap. he cooks to much and takes mom and dad a plate. she hints when she needs something and was wanting a kitchenaide mixer when there was nothing awrong with the one she had. babysitters raised her kids and she is telling me how to raise mine when she didnt raise hers. my husband says we owe them when it is them that owes us. i am so tired of all the drama but i love my husband.
Do you think it would work if you wrote a letter to your husband and share some of your concerns? Like, if you shared how the behavior made you feel and give specific examples of times you were hurt….would your husband be open to hearing that. I’m not a relationship counselor, but it sounds like you have come valid concerns. Good luck!