A few of the expectations we enter into our marriages with are pretty valid. Love, respect, communication, and faithfulness are all reasonable requests, in my opinion. It’s selfish to enter a union and not be willing to demonstrate those core values.
So when our spouse does something other than what they promised, or the least of what we expected, a sense of betrayal and heartbreak will usually follow. That heartbreak can cause us to lose ourselves, seek revenge, become depressed, and become distant in other important relationships in our lives. If we don’t seek to manage what we’re feeling and deal with our reality, we will continue to suffer.
Now I won’t tell you to get over it and move on, but I will share a few healthy ways to heal and deal with betrayal in your marriage.
1. Seek God for understanding.
Prayer and a quiet meditation will help you sort through the range of emotions you might be feeling at this time. Seeking God before you do something you will regret will save you any further heartache. Also, ask others to pray that you make it through this valley.
2. Stop blaming yourself.
It might feel natural to somehow arrive at the conclusion that what your spouse did was your fault. Yes, there may have been things you could have done better, but your partner made that decision, not you. So let yourself off the hook. When you decide to move forward, do own your part and seek any self-improvement you feel is necessary to make your relationship better, but let your partner take full responsibility for their actions.
3. Forgive.
This one may be a little hard for you to see at this point. But remember, you don’t actually have to forgive. You can choose to carry this dead weight with you, think about it all the time, let it affect everything else around you and just weigh you down. It is a choice, but you have much more to gain by forgiving; like a sense of peace, a release, and the strengthening of other relationships that may have been affected by your disappointment in your spouse.
4. Accept what happened.
If you or your partner could turn back the hands of time, I’m sure you both would. It is what it is. It did actually happen and now you have to deal with what comes next. Being in denial only prolongs your ability to heal. Face your reality and seek ways to handle all that you are feeling.
5. Don’t think you have to make a decision immediately about the future of your relationship. Really take some time to consider the benefits of the marriage, how you feel about your partner, and if it is a marriage or partnership worth saving. Marriages can survive, even what we sometimes feel are the worst possible situations. You will have to decide what type of effort and energy you are willing to put forth.
6. Seek advice only from those who truly love you and only when you need it. Those who truly love us will tell us the whole truth and nothing but the truth. They won’t just say what they think we want to hear. We also have to be honest with ourselves and remember we don’t need anyone else to validate the decisions we make for our relationships. So seek guidance only when you need it.
7. Recognize you’re not the only person this has happened to. You aren’t alone and there are resources and relationship professionals that touch on every possible challenge a marriage could face. Don’t be afraid to seek them.
8. Believe that this too shall pass, but it will be a process. As funky as this feels right now, life will go on and you will recover your happy. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. You won’t always feel like this, I promise.
9. Know that it’s okay to feel exactly what you’re feeling, but it’s not okay to feel that way forever. Don’t allow yourself to stay in pity party mode for too long. Have your moments of anger, frustration, and tears, but know they will eventually have to end, so you can feel good again.
10. Remember, whatever you decide is your choice. This is your marriage and your life. In the end, you have to make the choice that makes you happy.
Your life will go on either way. You’ll either move forward or move on. Please remember, whichever road you choose, finding healthy ways to handle your relationship betrayal will be the key to your personal healing.
BMWK, have you had to deal with betrayal in your relationship? If so, what did you do?
GET TESTED FOR STDS!!
Why? You must do something to get something.
Depends on the betrayal…
My reaction to, the betrayal that resulted in an addition (my step-son) to our family, was fix it mode. I wanted my family to be as normal as possible. The relationship was ended before pregnancy was known. My husband told me when the child was 4 weeks old. Paternity test was done same week I heard the news and the next week confirmation my husband was father. We told our 3 children who were 14, 11 and 7 at the time. I had moments of anger, disappoint, hurt and shame but I suppressed them and now 11 years later I feel my purpose in the relationship is over. I kept my family together so my children could grow up in a happy environment and they did. I love my husband of 20 years but for quite sometime I have not been “in Love” with him. He has turned his life completely and is a wonderful man. I feel bad about how I feel but I think it’s time to tell him and end this marriage.
It does depend on one’s non-negotiable . It’s like fine china once broken, it’s never the thing of beauty it once was.
How do you plan to move past this pain? The broken heart has become a wounded soul. If this is the case you may end up ruining the next potential healthy relationship as “Mr. Right” may pay for the error of your husbands ways. Not once did you mention counseling; if for nothing else do it for yourself. I have succumbed to many trials in my life and have spent years of paying for the mistakes someone else made. I am most saddened that my love is pure and have been solely for him in which he can not seem to look beyond the scars to see what he desires the most is standing in front of him. Neglecting the one you claim to love is a powerful weapon that can cause rooted damage in someone’s soul especially when the person doesn’t deserve it. It really sounds like your mind was made up the moment he spoke the words, ” the child is mine” however for the sake of raising your own kids you stuck around and selfishly bore the pain resulting from infidelity. While my spouse has not produced a seed that I am aware of I have been succumbed to mental and emotional turmoil resulting from the error of his first wife’s terrible ways ( some may have even been his own…I’ll never really know)—– I am bruised but not broken and I want you to know that You are deserving….remember to forgive him for what he’s done and forgive yourself for staying when you really didn’t want to….it is then that you will be able to breathe again…….and live life again……
So excited with the write _ up.Families should read this. Thanks a lot.
Well spoken. I pray this person read your comments because she truly deserves to breathe again…..air that is fresh and not polluted.
Wow. You stayed in this broken marriage for 11 years. I’m not understanding…..Why leave now? You have gotten through the storm. You say he has changed and now a better man. Why walk away now. After all the pain and hard work of making this marriage work, you’re going to just leave and allow another woman reap the reward. It sounds like you never really forgave him but stayed. Marriage is a covenant between both partners and God, when that covenant is broken the pieces never quite fit together the same again…..I understand you wanting to throw in the towel then but why now?
Revenge Is not good. Bad move.
This can be difficult to deal with, especially when you have forgiven so many times. Not that I’m counting the times, but it doesn’t seem to stop for too long, before he is at it again. The fact that there are children, makes it more complicated, especially when the chosen seem happy and are doing well.
I’m on year two of my husbands infidelity that resulted in a child. The first year was HARD. I almost lost everything (home, job) but I regrouped told him what I needed from him and if he could not provide it I was gone. He’s been treating me with the respect I always deserved because now I don’t settle for anything less. If he reverts back I’m gone. We’re finally communicating so I feel we have a chance but it is still hard so I continue to take it a day at a time. Thank God for this site. It help me through when talking to family and friends about my problems only got me their broken hearted responses.
We have built so much in our community. People looked/look up to us as this great power couple. I found out about my husband’s infidelity and I felt I’ve been living a lie. We’ve been seeing couples counseling, attending church, meditating together. Some days I’m good then I’ll have a moment where my spirit is uneasy. He gets to choose to be single(as a married man) bfor 3 or more years (who knows), since our son was born and keep me STILL? If not for our child I would’ve kicked him out. Currently I’m not sure if I should turn left or turn right. I am fighting & tolerating the situation for our child but this is exhausting. Unable to trust his character & inner code that he wouldn’t open his self up like that again. But I’ll smile because ppl are always watching.
Trapped in a image or Am I?
@Kris….You never stay in a relationship because you have a child together it does more harm than good. Children sense the tension between both parents and the end result is a broken child who does not know how to express or except unconditional love. A child who will most likely bind to the same type of unhealthy relationship. We do our kids an injustice when we stay. Something a person is only in our life for a season and when that season is over we have to let them go. I left when he was 13 yrs old but not before it damaged the emotional being of my male child who is now 19 yrs old. And only time and God can fixed the damage inflicted on him by me choosing to stay. I just pray that my son who was 4 yrs old at the time and 10 yrs old now does not suffer the same fate.
Thank you for that.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and have three kids aged 10, 7 and 3. For the time we’ve been together I have never known any happiness. He cheated on me twice, the second time the mistress became pregnant, but later miscarried. After the second infidelity, after noticing that there was no change in our marriage and no sign of remorse from him I also started cheating. During my infidelity, I felt happy and so in love more than ever, after two years of the affair I decided that it was time I stopped cheating and try to work on my marriage for the sake of my kids. I never stopped loving my husband but I blamed him for the immoral path that I had to take. I felt like had he not neglected me and not made me feel like him marrying me was a mistake, maybe I would have never cheated. 7 months after I have repented and turned from my ways and once I finally felt loved and happy in my marriage he found out through old messages from social network that I once had an affair. I told him that this was the result of his own work. He was so wounded that he even attempted to shoot me. It’s been two weeks now since he found out, it has not been easy, but through prayer he is starting to heal and we have now started communicating about plans for the future. I love him so much and want our kids to grow up in a happy home. I hope that he would forgive me in time. I believe that we have both learnt from our mistakes and hope that this means the beginning of a new chapter of our lives.
nice stuff here
I have been cheated on multiple times in our 10 years. We have a blended family and he just lost his job over the last one. I have remained faithful through it all. I feel like that is the only way he could know my pain and change.
I mean to cheat is the only way
No honey degrading yourself to his level is never the answer just leave.
I will never trust another woman after my ex wife waited til i was very sick and broke the contract we agreed upon when we said i do. I can never be a sucker for love any longer. i once was told a cat will piss anywhere and i find great truth in that when a man puts his trust in women and love. I have no time to fall in love where the system is set up for women to get ahead and men to fail around every corner. If i had a dime for ever woman who said i love you sense i was a kid and i am 50 now i would be a rich man. Don’t trust that witch craft you will only end up finding out her smile is a frown turn upside down.
I feel the pain of every woman who has commented on this issue. It’s a pain that only God can heal. The thing is that you have to truly trust God and get in a place to really hear God. God knows our end just as He knew our beginning. We made the choices, sometimes bad and get into a relationship that was not mean to be. Don’t let anyone tell you that God will dishonor you if you break that oonvenant. God understand and will forgive your mistakes. Make sure that you hear God, listen closely, because sometimes He will answer and let you know that the man you are trying to hold onto is never going to change! As I said earlier, He knows your ending just as he knows your beginning. I don’t believe God would have His children living in misery, hurt, and shame. As the scripture says, “I would not have you to be ignorant.” Get up, dust yourself off, get counseling for emotional healing and get counseling for strength by praying daily, trust God and move on!
you need to get out of there, so many kids and so much investment, and he still doesnt appreciate, GET OUT NOW! there is so much more to life. why stay? wanna die and leave behind your kids…..what more do you want to see or say? why you so desparate and he isnt. get out!
My wife has now cheated on me for the second time in ten years. We’ve been married for fifteen. I’m almost sure that there have been more occasions of infidelity that I don’t know about but these are the ones that she was caught in. Both times it was someone from work that I knew and both were also married. I realize now, after this most recent cheating, that she doesn’t value what we have. We have three great kids, a house, we laugh together and talk but some part of her is still unsatisfied. Her friends always tell her they wish they had a relationship like hers but I guess it’s not what she wants. I feel like I’m frozen because I don’t know what to do. I know I need counseling to determine why do I feel so bad about myself that I would allow this to happen. I am now on a journey to falling in love with myself. Please pray for me.
My husband cheated on me with my sister’s sister Inlaw in my kitchen with my kids in the living room,I found out through messages they sent to each other and my life has been shattered since then,been three weeks now