by Harriet Hairston
My husband and I are at a crossroads in our marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong, we’re still married, and neither of us are interested in calling it quits. Yet we are having fundamental disagreements on how to choose the road less traveled assigned to us.
Although we both need a change of pace in terms of our careers and economic situations, we don’t agree on how we should go about getting to that change. He wants to move right away, I want to stay and get things in order before even thinking about relocating. He wants to start disconnecting from some of the relationships we have forged during our time here, I want to stay in touch.
We just don’t see eye to eye on this one. It’s difficult because it’s such a huge decision, and neither one of us want to take it lightly. Unfortunately, neither of us wants to budge from our position, either. We are at an impasse…but for the first time, we are not arguing and fussing our way to our ultimate decision. How in the world is this possible?
- FIND AGREEMENT WITHIN THE DISAGREEMENT: We both found a common ground that we can work off of in order to make the ultimate decision. Our common ground is that our finances need to get in order. So we are brainstorming about different ways to make that happen.
- MAKE A DECISION THAT NO MATTER WHAT, WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER: We’re not separating, we’re not leaving or staying without one another. Period.
- BE STILL IF YOU’RE UNSURE: Whenever one or both of us is vacillating between our opinions, we realize that we need to be still (unless, of course, it’s something that requires an immediate decision). Right now, my husband is giving me the space and understanding I need in order to think about our decision. Although I don’t agree with the method he wants to employ to make change happen, I’m being supportive of his desire to express himself regarding the mental changes taking place within him.
- AGREE TO DISAGREE. This one is self explanatory. There is no sense in putting one another through unnecessary drama. Be patient with one another until you can reach an agreement
From a spiritual standpoint, we have begun a period of fasting together to hear from the Lord about what HIS timing and desire is for this season in our lives. As we pray, read and fast together, we are not listening for our own opinions, but for a decision that’s going to bring Him glory.
What kinds of major decisions have you made as a family that you didn’t necessarily agree upon at first? How did you find common ground?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?“ has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at [email protected].
Tara says
Harriet, I just want to say that I am inspired by how open and honest you are while using your marriage as a teaching tool for others. I am going through something similiar now, although not on the same level, and your bullet points are giving me something to hold on to. We are at the point where we are giving each other space after a heated disagreement, because we’re not communicating effectively at the moment. So I’m sitting here wondering where to go next because if I have one more “Come to Jesus” meeting I will explode. LOL.
But I take comfort in your #2. Like you and your husband, we know we’re in this together. (Like I said in an earlier post, my husband can try to divorce me all he wants, but I ain’t moving out and he ain’t dating nobody else. Point blank. End of story. There’s no “LOL” on that one. I’m oh so serious.)
So we’ll get through this storm in our marriage just like you will. And when you look back at these moments, it’s then that you realize how much marriage means to you and how you would be floundering without it.
Great post! 🙂
.-= Tara´s last blog ..are you ready? =-.
Harriet says
Thanks, girl! You hang in there. I appreciate the words of encouragement, and it’s a blessing to know that what I write about in my marriage is helping other people. This scientist is not so mad after all. LOL
Edward says
Great post! I echo Tara’s comments – your transparency is refreshing and uncommon. I’ll be praying for you guys.
Anna says
Yes, this is a great post. I have to piggy back off the other comments and say that I appreiate that you don’t just sit behind your computer and tell all the “fairy tale” moments of a marriage, but share your everyday happenings. Doesn’t this go back to “compromising vs giving in”? There has to be a mutual medium so that both spouses are confortable with the decisions being made. One spouse can’t come home and say that we are moving 300 miles away and expect the other spouse to be o k with it. It has to be discussed, otherwise it seems as though the spouse who decided we were moving “won” without a argument or sharing and that is when ” resentment starts. A married spouse would not go out and buy a house full of furniture and just bring it home, it is picked out together, you both have to live in that home. I love the “Be Still If You’re Unsure”. And “Agreeing to Disagree” is what it is. I am entitled to my own opinon and I don’t have to think because my spouse said it that I have to agree with him. In a marriage decsions have to be made all the time. If only one person is making those decisions ,to me that is not a marriage.
Harriet says
@ Edward,
Thank you so much. Your prayers mean so much, and I’m not saying that lightly.
@ Anna,
I agree. We’re still working on it, but I know our ultimate decision will be what is best for our entire family, not just him and not just me.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Working…Dreaming…Working…Dreaming =-.
kimberly Mercer says
Thank you so much for what you have shared about your marriage and how you and your husband are allowing God to lead you in the right path,My marriage I feel is failing everyday we argue 7 or more times a day and the worst arguments or on our diffrent views of the bible,i beleive that we should be taught by someone who has been ordained to bring the word and also by the word of God,he believes that God speaks to him directly and he knows the word better than the preacher,yet what he say god is giving him is totally off from what is in the bible.?I dont know its hard trying to just hang on when everything seems to be falling apart.
Harriet says
Kimberly,
First, thank you for stopping by! There are so many tools on this website that can enlighten people about marriage and parenthood, so I hope you come back to check out what else is available.
Now that I’ve got those formalities out of the way, let’s get down to the nitty gritty of your comment. LOL
First and foremost, NO ONE has the market cornered on biblical interpretation. However, one of the biggest dangers we can fall in if we’re not careful is interpreting scripture out of context. Yes, the Lord speaks to our hearts individually, but HIS WORD is exactly that: HIS WORDS for mankind. His instructions, blueprint and map of how to get back to Him eternally.
I’ve been in ministry for over a decade now. I’ve taught, and I’ve been taught. I’ll never stop learning when it comes to God. His ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine. One of the biggest mistakes that can be made where Bible study is concerned is taking a scripture without doing a proper study of where a scripture came from. If you want to teach/preach to me about a biblical topic, then I need to know what God said about that topic from Genesis to Revelation. Not just within the confines of one verse. Because truth be told, a person can take the Bible and make it say whatever he or she wants it to say. Shucks…Deuteronomy, Ephesians, Galatians and Philemon kept black folks in slavery for YEARS, and that was never God’s intention.
I said all that to say this: neither you nor your husband have the market cornered on biblical interpretation. If a person wants to teach, they will be held at a higher level of accountability. That’s why a teacher/leader in the Bible must be TEACHABLE.
You get in that Word for yourself and stand firm on its immutable concepts. I don’t have the whole story, but from what you’ve given me, it would behoove your husband to do the same. Trying to reduce God’s Word to our feeble mindsets is a dangerous game, and if we don’t check ourselves, BELIEVE ME, we will get checked. LOL I’ve seen it happen a million times.
In the meantime, I’ll be praying for and with you. I know this is long, but I believe something in these words brought you a little clarity. That’s all you need to both hang on to your marriage and your sanity. The Word clears it all up for us.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
Daisy says
I have a question, somewhat similar to Harriets. I am married and we are both christians…but cannot see eye to eye when it comes to God’s Word. I read God’s word and go to church, my husband does not go to church and does not read God’s word. He was a preachers son..he feels he has read the bible already and feels God speaks to him directly. The problem we have is he likes to go out to bars, and drink with friends….i don’t drink…and honestly don’t feel comfortable going to the bars. Its not the drinking that bothers me, its the bars…i am not here to judge him. He claims he just wants me there with him, at the bars. I just don’t feel comfortable in those places. His mom who was the preacher at one time told me to go with him anyway. Should I still go with him, even if i don’t feel comfortable? He feels the Lord doesn’t mine if we go out to these places. The people he hangs out with are not christian and drink right along with him.
We rarely talk about the word because he feels i am preaching to him so I stopped and really don’t mention anything to him about the word or church. He interpets the word differently than i do, so we rarely ever talk about the Word.
I feel alone spiritually and grief in my spirit, because I feel we are not as one. Can you help me to understand this, should i go with him to the bars…i do trust the Lord but it can be painful at times. Thank you.
Daisy