by Harriet Hairston

For the past three or four weeks, I’ve been saturating my mind with principles from great men and women who were successful in every dimension of their lives.   From Zig Ziglar to President Obama; Tyler Perry to Ghandi, I’ve learned that a principle is solid.   It will work whether your intentions behind it are pure or not.

However, there is one person who stood out the most during this time of study and self-checking:   Norman Vincent Peale.   An author, minister, motivational speaker, father, brother and husband, he worked principles passed down from his father, grandfather, and countless other generations.

He wrote over 40 books in his lifetime, but the two that thoroughly changed my life were The Power of Positive Thinking and Dynamic Imaging.

Here is a breakdown of one particular topic he wrote quite a bit about:   MARRIAGE.   His main qualm with modern day society was the fact that most people go into a marriage with a “maybe” attitude:   “Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.”   So today, 50% of marriages begin with a Plan B in the back of the minds of the bride and/or groom.

He made the following seven suggestions on how to keep the marriage flame alive and burning and stay away from the “maybes:”

1.   Have a mature concept of what love really is.

E. Payne definitely broke this down in his “So You Want Love, Do You?” article a couple of weeks ago.   Love is not the fly by night, erotic feeling illustrated in so many movies and music videos.   It is a VERB, not just an adjective, and it is sacrificial, not self seeking.

Peale stated,

Love is what comes from living through difficulties together.

2.   Constantly work on communication!

There are many forms of communication in marriages.   Sometimes sympathy listening is the best form; sometimes just knowing when to be silent.    Sometimes  just a glance.   Sometimes shared laughter.   Sometimes the joy of sexual union.   Whatever form it takes, it is the heartbeat of marriage.   When it ceases, the marriage dies.

3.   Learn to defer gratification.

Whether monetarily or emotionally, putting off for later what you want right now is a staple of successful marriage.   It requires compromise, selflessness, and above all, love.

This is a combination of self-control and patience.

4.   Take responsibility!

Wow…this one hit me really hard.   Over the weekend, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that 100% of the blame for the areas my marriage has been failing in can be placed squarely on my shoulders.   I have been so busy pointing fingers at Mr. Incredible for this boneheaded decision or that failed venture that I lost sight of the fact that he had learned from them, and I had simply been buried under them.   So my viewpoint was muddied by past failure instead of future bliss.   Not a good look for me at all!   I had to pray and repent and pray some more. Seems like I cried an ocean over this one!

The only person you can really change is yourself…prayer doesn’t necessarily change things for you, but it changes you for things.

5.   Learn to compromise.

Both Mr. Incredible and I are very strong willed, and when we disagree about things, we both may be saying the exact same thing, but because we’re in disagreement, the heated discussions seem to go on for days and days.   Like a UFC match, we exchange verbal diatribes until we are exhausted.   We are learning that compromise is the key, and above all, agreement and unity are essential to our prayers being answered.   So we lift up our disagreements in prayer and seek God for the PERFECT way to do things.

Compromise is the lubricating oil in the machinery of marriage.

6.   Practice the art of appreciation.

OMG…this one has been so difficult for me.   I give a compliment about how Mr. Incredible looks or smells or completed a project, and in the past, I would get grunts and “Whatever, babys” in return.   That makes me not want to be polite anymore.   Why waste my breath?

But again, just as in #4, I had to get beyond his past actions and apply these solid principles to our present and future marriage.

Master the art of the casual compliment.

7.   Finally, strive to always increase the spiritual dimension of your life together.

This may be controversial, it may be offensive.   Looking at my behavior the past few weeks and the number of times I threw around my desire to leave, I know for my family and I, the following statement is true:   If it had not been for the Lord Jesus in our lives, our marriage would have failed long ago.

A simple and extremely practical rule is to keep Christ in the center of your life; decisions will be sounder, joys will be greater, troubles will be more bearable, burdens will seem lighter.

He and his wife were married 63 years before he died in 1993.   These days, ministry marriages put up a facade of wholeness when behind closed doors, all hell is breaking loose!   However, Peale’s wife Ruth summed up these seven suggestions perfectly:

I think that in a relationship the way a man feels about a woman depends ultimately on the way she makes him feel about himself. And vice versa.

BMWK, which of these seven suggestions spoke to you the most?   Where are your strengths and areas for improvement in these principles?

God bless!
~ Harriet