by Jonesi
I’ve been married a couple of months now and it has become inevitable that I get the “How’s married life?” question on a daily basis. Most times I simply reply, “Great!”, or if I feel like being witty I may say, “He’s hasn’t run away yet, so I guess that’s a good thing”. But I was asked this seemingly harmless question by a childhood friend when I was not having a good day and I lashed out, “What do you want me to say?” While, I would never lash out this way with a stranger, in my state of frustration I was stumped between being honest and my safe reply.
After a few hours passed, I reflected back and wondered what if I said to someone “I hate being married; it’s the worst mistake of my life!” Seems bazaar but oftentimes we project those same sentiments unknowingly by the way we talk about our marriages and interact with our spouses in public. I remember when I was engaged, it was always so alarming to hear people talk negatively about their spouses. I would retire from the conversation feeling like, sheesh, I pray I don’t end up that way. I was even starting to second guess whether marriage was really a good idea because of all the negativity presented to me from the few married people I associated with.
The fact of the matter is we all will go through struggles but how we present marriage to others, especially those who are single, is within our control. So, I make it a point to speak positively about my husband and our union. That doesn’t mean I paint a picture of roses and go out of my way to use flowery language, but I made it to the altar, and I never want to discourage someone else from making the same commitment based on one of my fly-by-night mood swings.
I’m writing to encourage everyone to be mindful of how we represent ourselves as husbands and wives. Think back to when you were single and how vulnerable you were to “experienced folks” advice and perspectives about marriage. It may sound extreme, but you could be the deciding factor as to whether an associate, friend or relative decide to move further in their relationship. It’s easy to say, “It’s not my responsibility”, but you never know how powerful your presence in their life is. Yes it’s ok to be realistic, but also remain reasonable and balanced in your portrayal.
BMWK Family, are you mindful of the way you present your marriage to others? Do you feel you have a responsibility to positively represent? How did other marriages impact or affect your decision to marry?
-Jonesi
My wife and I quite cognizant of how we portray our marriage. We want people to have a positive view of married based on our relationship. However, we are quick to tell people that marriage is not easy, but it is a worthwhile investment.
.-= Mocha Dad´s last blog ..Making It Last Forever =-.
Yes, I am very cognizant of how others view my marriage and marriage in general. I believe I show them a positive image of what a good marriage can be like. I didn’t see that much growing up so yes, I do feel I have a responsibility to show others that may not think its real or possible.
I don’t get the “how’s married life” question much anymore since we’ve been married almost two years but I heard it almost daily during the first year. My husband’s answer is always “If I knew it was going to be this good, I would have done it sooner.” That always makes me smile because I know he means it.
My husband & I are on facebook but are not each others friend. But I must say that I am a fan of Taraji P. Henson and at the end of her posts she always puts “iluvmesumu”. With that being said, when people post pix of my hubby and I from events we have attended, I always post iluvmesumhim because my husband is my world!!!!! My husband called me one day and said to me that he’s sorry if he’s ever hurt me feelings for anything (which he has) and that the fact that I let the world know on my facebook page in the info. section “My Husband is the BOMB”, he thought that was very sweet!!! No, I don’t paint a pix of us not ever having any problems, but I will say OVERALL I really do “LUVMESUMHIM”!!!!!!!
I am very aware of how I present my marriage to others. When dating, I think that we all shared a lot, probably too much, about what was going on in our relationships and particularly those things that made us unhappy. But as my relationship got stronger and I saw that it wasn’t a fly-by-night, that it had a good chance of NOT being a relationship that me and my friends could look back and laugh about… it changed. No more fodder the conversaitons filled with “…remember when he did that?! Yeah, I told you he was wack!” I love and respect my husband and it’s important that everyone knows that.
.-= TheSoulMom´s last blog ..Raising Stronger African American Readers =-.
I am very aware of how my marriage is presented to others. @ Mocha Dad, I agree, marriage is definitely NOT easy, but it is a worthwile investment. My marriage isn’t perfect either, and there are days when my husband upsets me, and while we’ve been going through a rough patch lately, I am still very much in love with him. No matter if I think he’s wrong or right, I took vows with him, and I am committed to honoring those vows until God says it’s over. I know we’re going to go through some trials and tribulations, but it’s important to get the lesson (whatever that lesson may be) in the end. I’m not saying to be foolish about anything, but you have to pick and choose the battles that are worth fighting. You have to know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em! I have learned (and am still learning) to appreciate and be grateful for the good times, the bad times, and everything else inbetween because it has stretched me as a person. I want to be the best ME I can be so in turn I can be the best wife, mother, etc. . .etc. .
As someone who’s getting married in a few months, I appreciate the effort! There’s an older couple that my fiance and I are around a lot and the wife is just plain old mean to the husband and I always say when we get back in the car, “PLEASE tell me if I ever act like that!”
.-= Happy Nappy Bride´s last blog ..what do you think… =-.
I think it is important to question the motives of the people asking that question. Is it a conversation starter? Are they secretly hoping to expose flaws in your marriage? Are they trying to ratify their personal beliefs on the impacts of marriage in a relationship? Are they simply trying to appear polite?
In any case, it seems like a silly question.
.-= westwood´s last blog ..Chicks With Sticks (and rocks, and skis, and boards and skates) =-.
OOOH, how we LOVED the “How’s married life?” question when we were newlyweds! lol [sarcasm] . I just usually gave a humorous (both hubby and i are clowns, so we’d say something like “Aw naw, im trading him/her in, i cant take it!”) and/or safe answer. But yea, i always try to speak highly of my husband. Well, its not hard to do, but i dont want to criticize or belittle him in public. Thas really tacky to me and most people dont wanna hear that. Im especially aware of it since im one of the longest married of any of my friends and associates (going on 6 years, most of my circle are just now getting married or have only been married a couple years). For some reason, they have appointed me “Mama marriage” and tend to see me as the “senior” in this thing lol. I have no idea why lololol.
Very, very, very good point!
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Relaxation, Rejuvenation…Romance? =-.
Responding to the article, “How’s Life Treating You?” I would like to agree that husbands and wives should be very considerate of how they are presenting themselves in public. But I also have to disagree that trying to hide what is really going on is very misleading. At 33 years old, I am a product of a home where there was no communication, true affection, and no forgiveness, in the marriage. Parents think their children are not watching, but my brothers and I were always on time for the entertainment. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have two boys and I refuse to give the image that everything is GREAT!!! I am a very vocal individual and my husband is not. Therefore his family and most of the individuals we deal with think that he does not have a voice in our relationship. They have no idea!!! He watches everything and we talk about it at HOME!!! Looking on the outside, you can tell sometimes if a couple is troubled. But in the same view everyone smiling, laughing, and holding hands are not necessarily happy. Singles already have a picture painted of bliss, babies, and big houses. They don’t see the days when you want to pack your stuff and leave and I think that it is very important to warn them about the EVERYDAY struggles. We don’t have to fight but the “getting to know you” stage is frustrating. The divorce rate is off the charts!!! Then we want to be GAY!!! Communication is the key to everything and anything that has been successful. We have to stop pretending and watching the celebs who paint pretty pictures. Life is TRULY what you make it. If there is no CHRIST in there and the couple is not P.U.S.H. (Praying Until Something Happens), they are already doomed. Drinking, smoking, going out with your single friends; needs to end ASAP. When you say I DO, you have said I DON’T to all the above listed things. If you want to paint a picture of peace find JESUS. Most people leave him at the church building when they go home. If you didn’t know, you were supposed to take Him with you.
I have to say sadly, you are so right. My parents marriage was not great although they stayed together until we were all grown. Somehow with very few exceptions (and there are some) I seem to find myself surrounded (or maybe drawn) mostly by Aunts and friends who are either divorced or in strained marriages, even the women in church are mostly survivors of bad marriages. Interestingly enough, all very well educated women. This has played a huge role in my still being single in my fourties. I’ve always thought I wanted to get married but truth is everytime I come close, I get scared of making a wrong move & have to admit to myself that I am much happier on my own than thinking of all the different ways someone could come and mess me up!!
So funny I just blogged about this recently. I just keep it simple and say it’s going fine. I don’t see the need to go into any more detail than that.
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..The Best I Ever Had =-.
I have been married five years. I try to be positive but honest about my marriage and about married life in general. When I was single, my married friends held nothing back, they told it all, the good and the bad, what got on their nerves and what they wished their spouses would do better. That honesty was not only refreshing, but extremely helpful when I got married and found myself facing the same issues. So I had their experiences to draw from and to give me strength. I think it is important for married couples to present a realistic view of what marriage is like-bad breath in the morning (;-), that damned toilet seat, the question WHATS FOR DINNER! (always the wife’s responsibility, I have discovered) the feeling that you are always working while the hubby gets down time, attitudes, etc. Knowing these things were coming helped me to deal with them when they occurred. I do not trust the couples who paint the eternally optimistic view of married life, because I know that is not what’s really going on.
I have my close married confidants with whom I can rage, rage rage when my hubby makes me angry, and they vent to me when they need to. To my single friends I emphasize the benefit of having someone to share it all with.