Lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of question from women who have recently separated from their husbands. He either cheated or he didn’t understand what marriage required and doesn’t want to be married anymore. As a Christian husband, I feel compassion for these women, because they were dooped (I mean) led into a marriage by men who now don’t want to fight for the very thing they asked for. But at the same time, I truly believe that these men really meant what they said while on bended knee. But, when it came time to show-and-prove, I think they were unaware, unprepared, and/or overcome by what it actually took to fulfill their proposal’s commitment.
For you men that are just plain tired, who are fa-real considering leaving for greener pastures, who are like, “Man, eff forget her!”, hold that thought…sit down…and shut up listen for a minute before you do something stupid ill-advised. Here are 2 things you better understand about marriage in-general before you HALO-jump out of yours and into something worse.
1. Marriage Requires You to Adjust and Adapt
Whatever you don’t like about your wife, there’s going to be something that you don’t like about the side piece or rebound-chick one after her. The common denominator between your wife and your next chick is — something YOU don’t like. Loving relationships are not about finding things you like. That’s attraction…which gets you to the wedding chapel. But building a loving marriage is about being willing to adapt and adjust to what you don’t like for the benefit of your spouse.
Look…you can pick-one, dump-one, and switch-one…all day ery’ day. But if you ever want to be happily married, you’re going to have to adjust to some-one. Learn how to adapt and adjust to the things you don’t like with your current wife, because whomever you get-with after her…YOU…are going to not like something about her too. It might be different. It might even be the same. But YOU are not going to like it. And then, YOU will be right back in the same miserable position where you are now…having to learn to adapt and adjust to something YOU don’t like.
2. Marriage is God’s Refining Process
Sorry if you didn’t know this before you got married, but it is a lie…that your marriage is supposed to be easy and void of pain. Know that…marriage was purposely designed to be difficult and uncomfortable at times. Why? Because, we are all jacked-up imperfect people. And one of God’s ways of fixing us is through this little process called marriage. My wife likes to call it God’s Refining Process.
God’s Refining Process forces you to think about, deal with, consider, respect, and live with someone other than yourself.
When you were single, you did you. There wasn’t anything forcing you to adjust your ways. But the Refining Process forces you to face ‘issues’ you didn’t know you had…those you only discover during marriage. Like my selfishness. I didn’t know I was selfish until my wife of 3-months kept saying, “Why are you so selfish?” At first I denied it. But then I realized she was right. That was my opportunity to refine my selfishness and become more giving. Now, I’m not perfect…but I’m more giving than I was as a newlywed 16 years ago. Likewise, your wife’s God-given assignment is to help reveal things you thought were right…but are really wrong.
Yes! God did design marriage this way…to make you an overall better man. But if you HALO-jump out of your marriage just as you’re starting to get refined, then you’ll miss the point of being a husband. And you will retard your growth as a mature man. Worst of all, you will never be that super-hero-husband/dad that learned how lead his family through all the hell that was breaking loose. You’ll just be that guy that didn’t.
Before you give up on your marriage, get some help! Talk to another man that’s been through what you’re going through…and succeeded. Don’t holler at your boy who’s already divorced. You need someone that can tell you what to do…not what not to do.
16 years in the game…14 years in business helping Christian and non Christian couples. That’s who I am. And I’m offering free confidential relationship advice on my website HisLeadershipHerTrust.com. If you want to know how to make your marriage work, submit your question and I’ll personally email you a plan that will help you get quick results. What do you have to lose?
I wish you all the best in your fight for your marriage.
BMWK…What can men do to salvage their failing marriage?
Need help to salvage marriage. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and separated for two months. I am fighting for my marriage and wife is between wanting a divorce and needing time to regroup. As a husband should I be respectful give her time or place a timeframe to review our status. We have two girls and I am wanting to resolve matters soon as possible. The time status can be good or it can be bad with drifting can occur. Please advise husband with proper guidance.
Brien, thanks for inquiring. I’d love to help you. Please re-submit your question at https://hisleadershiphertrust.com/relationship-advice/. This is forum and format I use to respond to you privately. Thanks.
Thanks for the powerful words and truths. I really enjoyed your direct message!
Definitely been going through quite a lot with my marriage. We’ve been together 18 yrs and married 14 next month. I am fully aware that I’m far from the textbook husband, and I sincerely try but I’m getting exhausted. My wife doesn’t cook hardly at all, my house isn’t a pig sty but it stays in disarray, & the intimacy is all but gone. I work in an extremely demanding job both physically and mentally and it’s a real trial of patience. Need help….
My husband did give up on our marriage and a year into our divorce I found out it was due to him having an affair with a girl we went to school with and he worked with, at the same time I found this out I found out 2 kids were also born from this affair, she was going through a divorce at the time of their affair, we are still not divorced and it is still very hurtful knowing, now, in hindsight that this was going on and was one of the reasons for such disconnect between us, people keep telling me it won’t last long, but I guess he has finally got what he wanted and deserves
As a Believer, the refining process began after Adam and Eve left the Garden, Adam blamed his wife for something he failed to impart unto her! Marriage is a process of give and take however; no one should continue to take in the relationship, until the other half no longer wants to be involved in the marriage. When counseling continues to tell one they are wrong, that person should heed the warnings! As the old adage goes husbands can lose their souls trying to keep a wife happy. What does it matter that I gain the world and lose my soul?
Excellent excellent read!!!! I really wish this information was available for me and my exhusband bc we both would have benefited from it. However his remarrying and still not dealing with the issues his detrimental! He’s running!
Thanks Alquandira. Appreciate the comment.
Excellent read. Six years married and its during those times when questions of doubt, of the strength of your commitment to marriage, pop-up in your head and God uses mediums to steer you back to see the big picture. Thank you Heath, for your words are being used as a medium.
Thanks Rodney. Glad that God point your in to something that you needed…when you needed it.
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