‘I’m done! I can barely breathe, walk, and see at the same time.’ That’s how I feel when ‘quit’ sets in 45-minutes into my hour-long boot camp-style workout class. Then I say to myself,
If you ain’t tired…then you ain’t working hard enough.
That motivates me to keep going…understanding that pain and exhaustion is a part of what I signed up for.
This is the same thing I tell married men who be complaining…talking ‘bout, “I’m tired”, “I’m exhausted”, “I’m done”.
C’mon son!!! If you ain’t racking your brain trying to figure out how the heck to make your marriage work…then you ain’t working hard enough…playa! Surely you didn’t think you’d sail smoothly into years 5…10…15+ devoid of any problems or having to put in work to solve them?!?!
I’ve found that married couples have unrealistic expectations about what problems, craziness, and drama will jump off in their marriage. But when reality hits them like a blitzing linebacker, and pain and exhaustion sets in, it takes a lot of determination to get passed all the craziness and drama to make their marriage work.
What I found successful for me is to expect and welcome the unknown problems, craziness, and drama. I embrace the emotional roller coasters, frustrations, and set-backs. Not because I like them, nor because of some fairy-tale reason like, ‘My love for her makes it all worth it in the end’.
MAN WHATEVER! That’s that bull they feed you at marriage conferences.
But it’s because I learned that if I wanted to have a successful marriage, I would have to take the lead in doing these three things:
1. Give Myself Up for Her
When Paul wrote instructions for husbands to the church in Ephesus, he said “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27
2. Be Considerate of Her
Peter wrote regarding husbands, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7
3. Sacrifice Myself for Her
Lastly John’s set the tone for what a husband’s love should look like in marriage. He wrote, “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:9-11
I’m not trying to be all preachy, but before I got married I came to understand that marriage is going to involve a lot of things I’m not going to expect, like, or understand…from life and my wife. And if I want to stay happily married, I need to be prepared to 1) give up myself for her, 2) be considerate of her – meaning that men aren’t normally considerate of their wives…so Peter had to tell husbands to be considerate, and 3) if I say I love her, then I’m going to have to sacrifice who I am and what is rightfully mine (like Jesus did)…for her benefit, while receiving no benefit of my own…other than the opportunity to offer the sacrifice.
With 16 years of doing this under my belt, what I’ve found is, if I fail to do these three things, my wife is not happy. But most importantly, God is not pleased and He won’t answer my prayers until I start doing them (refer to last line in #2 above). So what I’ve learned to do is when sacrificial opportunities present themselves, with authority, I assume my role and responsibility as the husband, grit my teeth, and do my duty.
Is your lack of consideration causing God to frustrate your marriage? Have you given enough of yourself to your wife? Is God not answering your pleas for help in your marriage because you’re not sacrificing enough for the one you say you love?
I’m not accusing you of these things. I’m just highlighting potential reasons why you’re experiencing marital problems. Judge for yourself if your negligence caused them. And if it did, let me share with you the first thing I always do to fix them. It usually starts out with me being frustrated with my wife about something she’s not doing…and I want to tell her about herself.
The first thing I do is check to see what I’m not doing to and for God. After all, if the church is the bride of Christ, then technically, I’m Christ’s wife. And if I’m not being a good wife to Christ, then maybe…just maybe…God is making me feel about my wife…what he feels about me. (I don’t have any scripture for this, but that’s what I believe.)
So, as the head of my household, I have to first make sure I’m doing what God wants me to do for Him…before I step to my wife and complain about what she’s not doing for me.
But here’s the kicker. Whatever I realize I’m not doing for God…when I start doing it…the problem I was complaining about my wife not doing goes away. No lie! So maybe, as the husband, to fix the problems in your marriage, you need to fix what you’re not doing in God’s eyes first…before you step to your wife about fixing what she’s not doing in your eyes.
BMWK – How have problems, craziness, and drama affected your marriage? And whatcha gonna do about it?!?!
Wow! No truer words!! Amen and thank you.
for her benefit, while receiving no benefit of my own…other than the opportunity to offer the sacrifice…who would knowingly sign up for that…
I have found that when you are giving your everything, your mate well find it easy to give back to you. Therefore, You really aren’t losing anything. If your mate doesn’t seem to care our respond in kind, you may have chosen the wrong one (unequally yolked).
I agree with Tiffany. That’s exactly what Jesus did. And in the verses I provides, specifically Ephesians and 1 John 4, that’s exactly what he wants us to do as husbands and wives.
So, if you are a Christian, and you said I do, that’s what God expects you to do. Now…whether you know that or not, or want to do it or not…that’s another story. But the point I wanted to highlight is…that is that every marriage will have problems. So expect them…and plan for when they come. And one of your plans needs to be taking an ‘L’ for the team…solely because it will make you mate happy. And at that moment, if you resolve that you want to make your mate happy more than you want to be right, then it makes taking the ‘L’ for the team a badge of honor rather than the gut-punch it feels like. It’s almost like choosing to be a martyr. But you get to live at the end. And you know who did that and their life was honored by the world at his funeral, Mandela.
So if husbands and wives become more willing to take the ‘L’ for the team like Mandela did for his team, and get to live afterwards, then great honor is coming you way. Just be patient, faithful, and stay-gritin’ your teeth…and do your duty.
Things that hold marriages together is respect, communication,
And fidelity, which men are incapable of.all the books and
All of your steps will not stop men from cheating. This is
From: people are talking magazine.its what men do!!!
Thanks.
I’m sitting here in tears. My husband sent this to me. This is exactly what I need from him. I pray he becomes a doer of the Word.
Thank you!
Who would knowingly sign up for that??? JESUS DID IT FOR YOU!!!
AMEN!
He sure did. And it’s hard to do continually too. But that’s the call of those who seek the title husband (and wife).
From people are talking magazine: men has been cheating
For centuries and nothing has changed!! All the books
And all your steps will not change that. Let’s keep it
Real, a man is not going to. Have sex with just. His
Mate for however long they are together. Women. Need.
To. Stop saying.”my man don-t cheat’ if it’s a new
Relationship. She should. Say ‘ not yet’., because
Eventually he will. It doesn’t mean he. Doesn’t”t love
Her its just what men do!! I. Think it’s part. Of their
DNA
Doris, you sound like you have some history with this issue. I respect your opinion. But it is just your opinion. Your story is not every wife’s story. I don’t devalue your story. But my wife and all of my friends wive’s don’t share it.
I dt expect you to agree. With. Me. Number 1 you are
A. Man which. Means you. Will. Never. Openly. Agree
With. Me. Number 2 History. History. Has nothing to
Do. With. It. It’s just. Common sense. For example: you
Know as a. Man, that a man being. With. A. Womanith
For years. Or. Even. Months will not have. Sex. With
Only. That woman. The rest of. His life as long
As. They both shall. Live.? I. Understand. A. Woman
Not wanting. To. Believe their. Mate. Will cheat but
But women have to. Be realistic. When. They Are
Caught. They. Might. Stop for a little. While. But they
Will return to what. They will. Always. Do. And. That’s
Cheat!!! They. Can’t. Help it.
I’m sorry sweetie, but this man,Heath is right. Not all men are cheaters. Me and me girlfriends who are married will agree. If you are doing what you should and he is still cheating, then you find another man and he cheats too, it’s not THEM, it’s YOU. You attract what YOU open yourself to attracting. This man’s wife, her friends, myself and my friends, we are not open to this and so we haven’t attracted it. Sounds like you need to not be in a relationship right now and work on you, figure out what is in you that attracts these type of boys to you. Cause real men don’t cheat
Fran, this is my second reply to you
Because I must have lhit the wrong
Button and lost it. What I want to say
Not just to you but to all women and
Is : all men have and will cheat. It’s
Something in their DNA that I believe
They have no control over. You said if
A woman is doing what she’s suppose
To do and her man still cheat she should find another man. You used the
Same excuse men use when they .
Cheat.what women do for her mate
Will never bee enought to stop a man
From cheating. As far as moving on
When you find out your man has cheated
When the honeymoon is over in the new
Relationship he will do what comes natural, cheat!!! I have said it in my
Magazine “as long as you’re mate treat
You as numer one, take care of home,
And respect you why leave him for
Cheating? My magazine is on amazon.
Com feel free to read some of my work
It’s called “people are talking/from the
Critic.it shows 5 stars.its based on
Viewpoints and opinion on past and
Current issues.
Hi Fran just thought I’d give you my
Views on some of your comments.
First, I don’t do boys Ido men.iv’ve
Been in and out of my relationship for
42 years with the same man because
I prefer that lifestyle. Real men and
Fake men cheat . Their are no exceptions. Women shouldn’t leave
Their husband for cheating if he takes
Care of home. As long as he doesn’t
Flaunt it meaning, you shouldn’t know
About. If they. Must leave him leave him. For getting caught. From: doris/
Of People Are Talking magazine.
I have been married for 33years and my husband cheats, disrespect me, lied to me , treats me like a stranger . Is there anyone out there like me please reply.
From people are talking magazine :the cheating is some
Thing you can’t control as I’ve said, it’s what men do.
But why would you stay with a. Man that disrespect
You and treat you like a stranger?the lies automatically
Comes with the cheating. What you are saying is you
Love this man more then you love. Yourself !!! And
That should never happen. With any man but God!! You
Allowed this man to treat. You this way so he has no
Respect for you. Love yourself. More. And leave. Him!!!
Not for cheating, but for treating you that way while
He’s cheating. When. A man cheats his home and
Mate should be top. Priority
Your blog post is seductively misleading. However,kudos for challenging men to step up to the plate and do some WORK in and on their marriages. Like you, I have been married over 17 years. I am blood bought, born again, spirit led. Yet I must say I totally disagree with the idea that marriage should be such a “grit-your teeth, do your DUTY” macho martyrdom! If God designed us to live our marriages that way on earth then Christ’s work was in vain!!! One poster had it absolutely correct: respect, open/trustworthy/friendly communication, fidelity/loyalty, etc. are the things that make for a happy & healthy marriage. But because most people are so callused and mistrustful and disrespectful it forces many (especially “Christians”) to take the “Marriage is my Idol” approach and worship it, instead of cherishing the spouse!!!
Paul I assume. Your. Comment. Is for. Liz. Because
I. Don’t. Understand. Anything. You. Said. This. Is. From
People are talking magazine.
From people are talking. Mag. After reading. Your
Comments. Again Paul I will address. The statement
That I. Don’t agree with. Which. Is. Seductively. Miis-leading: I’m not. Misleading. Anyone. I’m. Just. Being.
Real. Also. I’m. Not. Challenging. Men. To. Step. Up. To
The plate. Men. Know. They. Cheat. Christian. Included.
You. Also. Stated. You’ve been. Married. 17. Years. Like
Me. I. Never. Said how long. I. Was. Married. In. My post
I. Said. Fidelity, respect, and. Communication help to
Keep. A. Marriage. Together. You. Said. Marriages shouldn’t have. To be. A grit-your-teeth. ,do. Your duty
Macho martyrdom and. That. God. Designed. Us. To
Live. Our marriage that Way. On earth. So, are you
Saying Christ expect men to cheat? Since you dis-
Agree with the grit your teeth, do your. Duty, idea in
A. Marriage. You. Make it seem as though it’s ok for
Men to cheat.but. I’m not surprised
I am amazed at how easily women discount the integrity and fidelity of all men. It is a false presumption that becomes an albatross around the necks of relationships.
Too many women have misread Proverbs 31, and attributed to themselves the lofty qualities of the virtuous woman. What the passage is asking is “who can find one,” because they are not plenteous.
Marriage is HARD work, I have been married 24 years, been faithful every one of them, and I have never worked hard than I am right now. Divorce sounds reasonable a lot of days, but I went came into “for better, for worse…till death”, and I’m still alive.
I don’t give much heed to people whose experience is not rooted in and pointed to successful marriage, just like I don’t take parenting advice from people that have not/are not raising children.
People are talking mag. In 24 years. I. Would. Bet if
You if you. Only cheated once in. 24. Years. You
Diid. It. !
Doris/ people. Are. Talking. Magazine. Al i. Never
Experienced. My. Husband. Cheating. Because. He
Made me. Feel like. I. Was number 1 and took. Care
Of home. As. Long. As. Men. Treat their mate with
Love and respect that’s all a woman should. Care
About. But. A lot of. Men cheat and neglect. Their
Mate which. Is. Why. So. Many of. Them get. Caught.
They just. Don’t know. How to cheat. But. They. Do
It anyway. And always. Will. The. Women. That. Say
“I know. My. Husband don’t cheat” their mate is taking
Care. Of. Home. And making her. Feel. She’s number
1 that’s the. Way. It. Should be.
I am in the same boat with you. I have been married for 17 years and my husband cheats & disrespects me. I have made up my mind I deserve better I’m moving on with my life. I regret spending so many years hoping and praying that he will change but i have realized that once a cheat he will always be a cheat.
From People Are Talking Magazine.. Hi Mai, It’s not
About your husband just cheating its about how he
Treats. You while he’s cheating. I say that because
If you have ever read my magazine, I state that all
Men cheat. And it’s nothing women can do about it.
That’s why I say when a man cheats he must make
His wife feels she’s number 1 , take care of home,
And never disrespect her. If men don’t do those
Things then he’s flaunting his affairs. Then it’s time
To leave. but just remember that the next man you
Meet when that relationship newness where’s off
He also will. Eventually cheat.because it’s what men
Do. As Iv’ve said before it’s in their DNA they can’t
Help it .but they can’t flaunt it !!!
Again, as I’ve done in previous responses, I have to disagree with Doris. She believes that all men cheat because men are biologically programmed to cheat. Thus, she also believes that your next man will cheat. While it is true that some men cheat, it is absolutely false that ALL men cheat. I have never cheated. None of my friends have ever cheated. And, there are several men that commented in this very post that say they have never cheated.
What Doris is doing is taking specific examples of some men’s behavior and making categorical generalizations about all men, which she can’t scientifically prove is true. With that logic, if she was talking about the specific behavior of black men, then she could make the categorical generalization that all black men behave one specific way…no exceptions. And I think we can both agree that prejudice attitude has absolutely no credibility or validity.
Hi Heath, I’m going to respond to some of your state-
Ments my magazine is based on viewpoints and opinions
On past and current issues. I write because I think outside
The box. I also write because common sense is priceless
So I decided to pick an issue that I knew would give women
Something to think about. My opinion on men cheating is
Not based on just black men I stated that “All” men cheat.
The ones that don’t can’t, because of age but, have in the
Past, the ones that haven’t “Will” eventually. When I see
Women fighting over their men it’s sad. The common sense
On this issue is: “A man is not going to sleep with only
Their mate the rest of his life! I also want women to know
Is: just because men cheat doesn’t mean they don’t love
Their mate at home.they may not believe it ,but it’s true.But
That statement doesn’t apply to All men. So Keith I thought
I would give you a little of my staunch opinion on this issue.
Lamar what u described is not an independent man. First of all he
Need to find a woman that feel the same way he feels we are out
There too. We don’t like to report each time we hang out either.
If a man feel his woman is doing all this checking on him he should
Have checked her out up front. She’s very insecure !! He sound like
He should be in a “Friends With Benefits” relationship.But when he
Find that woman that think like he thinks watch him do a 180 degree
Turn
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