Hello Dr. Buckingham
I’m writing because I need some advice. I see others getting valuable advice and I need some too. I’m 34, and with a man that’s 57. He has not proposed marriage after six years together. I love him and he loves me, but he is tight with money and sees no way for us to make it with his income. He was three months divorced when we met. He has an estranged daughter and ex wife, whom he claims to have drained his net worth.
My children do not want me to date, especially him. Two of the three moved in with family to avoid him. I want us to be a family. All I have ever dated was thugs, and this man seems to have it together (on paper that is.)
We recently went on vacation and he said he didn’t have money, but agreed to go. It was in Charleston SC, 3 hours away. He treated me like shit while we were there. Constantly demanding that we visit what he wanted to visit, taking my son and I on some trifling side of town where his former navy base was 30 years ago. He spoke loud and abruptly to me, and only had 40 dollars to his name (so he says). We left early before I could see the beauty everyone brags of, stayed in a cheap run down hotel, which is all we could find after he complained of hotel prices. I was so disappointed. I’m confused as to how someone could kill, steal, and destroy my peace and joy. Sounds like an easy answer but not really. When it’s good it’s good, when it’s not it’s not. I’m not sure if all relationships deserve time, space and second chances. How do you know when you should call a relationship quits and seek another one? I have a pattern of the same kind of relationships.
Signed~hurt in SC
Dear Signed-hurt in SC,
Simple question/simple answer: “How do you know when you should call a relationship quits and seek another one?” Some people might say that it is okay to throw in the towel if your significant other commits adultery, is abusive, is too cheap, is inconsiderate, is disrespectful, lies to you, is emotionally unavailable, is insecure and on and on. This stuff is not ideal for any relationship and definitely does not lead to a healthy bond. However, the above-mentioned attributes are behavioral flaws that can be improved and/or changed if individuals have a desire to achieve excellence in life and love.
Achieving excellence in life and love means that an individual will strive to develop and maintain a passion for continuous growth and improvement so that he or she can prosper. Personal excellence involves engagement in activities that will enhance your spiritual, physical, relational, emotional and financial well-being. Such activities might include seeking spiritual counseling, relationship therapy, financial guidance and life coaching.
A person who has a desire to achieve personal excellence in life and love constantly looks for opportunities to improve his or her relationship and self; believes that complacency and mediocrity is unacceptable; welcomes challenges and problems as opportunities to excel; and understands that his or her partner is valuable and should be treated with respect.
Based on your description of your partner’s behavior over the past six years and during your recent trip, it does not appear that he is striving for excellence in life or love. He has not made you an honest woman by marrying you and he does not appear to be embracing his role as head of household. I apologize for being a traditionalist, but I believe that a man should do whatever it takes to provide for his family. If he is down on his luck financially, the least he can do is to show gratitude for having a spouse who has his back. You should not be enabling your man. Love is great, but bills do not get paid with emotions. There is something good to be said about man who strives to improve the quality of life for the ones he loves and for himself. Your partner should be striving for excellence in life, not belittling you.
Be mindful that an individual, who does not strive for excellence in life, will probably not strive for excellence in love. We all experience hardships and sometimes find ourselves in bad situations financially, emotionally and spiritually. However, none of us are entitled to belittle, degrade or abuse others. Whatever problems he had in his previous marriage are probably some of the same problems he brought into your relationship. Your partner’s disrespectful behavior is not a sign of someone who is striving for excellence in love.
Simple Question: “How do you know when you should call a relationship quits and seek another one?”
Simple Answer: You should call it quits when your significant other stops striving for excellence in life and love. Striving is the key to thriving. You cannot get excellent without effort. There are no perfect matches and love. Like anything else in life, love is expressed differently and shifts based on circumstances. However, as long as individuals are striving and giving 100% to achieve personal and relational prosperity, I believe that you should not throw in the towel. Be realistic and prepare to work in order to develop and sustain a healthy relationship. If he is willing to do the work to achieve excellence in life and love, give him a chance, but if he is not willing to devote the time and energy to work at it—call it quits and move on! Do not cheat yourself and understand that you deserve better – He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Great advice! I feel the same way about relationships, in that being with someone that wants to grow is a special thing, and is very important in a relationship. Knowing this about the man I love has kept me grounded in times when it can be tough.