The other day I happened to be sitting with a group of married women. One of these women, whose husband was coming home from a business trip the next day, started to do a little cheer out of excitement for her husband’s return.
The other women at the table seemed puzzled: “How long have you been married?” a few of them asked.
They started to chime in about how they loved for their husbands to leave on business trips or about how they wished their husbands took trips on occasion. The consensus was that although they recognized the importance of quality time, there was something freeing about not having to address anyone else’s needs for a while.
If I were a little younger, I probably would have thought their desire for their husbands to be out-of-sight for a stretch was kind of sad. After all, shouldn’t loving someone mean that you should want that person to be around? Now that I am a little older and have a couple more years of marriage under my belt however, I can better understand the need for “me time.”
I still love for my husband to be home but while I don’t think I would rejoice if he were away on a business trip, I can understand that free-to-be-me feeling that comes when you have the house to yourself. In those very, very rare moments when I am both husband and kid-free (seriously, I think it happens about one or two times a year) I relish my alone moments.
I love being able to watch whatever I want on any television in the house and not argue over the remote. I can relax knowing that the only dishes in the sink are the ones that I make, and I can eat cereal for dinner if I want to and not care whether anyone else is hungry. I can write without my husband calling me upstairs three times to talk about the new showerhead, something that he has done three times since I’ve been writing this very post.
It doesn’t mean that I love him any less than I did in the days when I felt like love meant being attached at the hip. It’s just that I better understand that even in the “us” that we have become, there is still a him and a me, and sometimes the “me” part just needs time alone. It gives me time to take care of me and to miss him a little bit. And although I don’t mind for him to go out of town, I’m still cheering when he comes home.
Are you happy when your spouse is away? Does being happy alone mean you love your spouse any less?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Angelicsoul_1 says
Yes… I would appreciate it if he would go away some times. Just enough to give me some no-husband-no-children time. Ahhh.. just to type it sounds glorious.
TheMrs says
I can soooo relate…lol!!! I love my husband dearly but there are definitely days that I would love for him to take our 5 kids on a long weekend vacation.
TheMrs says
I can soooo relate…lol!!! I love my husband dearly but there are definitely days that I would love for him to take our 5 kids on a long weekend vacation.
Vdr608 says
i can so relate….I am the one who gets to go on business trips without hubby & kids in tow. I love my alone time but i also can’t wait to get back home. They love me even more.
JF says
Time apart is very necessary. I think just starting out couples, new love, recently married maybe, feel that showing you love someone means to constantly be around them or you must do things with them all the time, do everything together etc. I find this can actually lead to problems. Sometimes trying to do things together versus apart is forcing. I understand trying to get each other to take part in your activities/passions/interests, I do feel it’s a good thing, but sometimes at some point you may need to realize that its actually better to do certain things apart. Now, some couples naturally do everything together, and if so I think that is good because if it’s natural and it works, then there shouldn’t be too many problems. I remember watching this clip by TD Jakes talking about this very thing and how we feel the need to be up under each other all the time and feel like we have to “entertain” one each other. He had such a good point. At some point you have to be comfortable with maybe doing things in separate rooms. I feel trying to entertain each other too much or trying to do everything together will become a burden at some point because it will go from skipping a show or event to be together to you haven’t done those specific things you like in years. You don’t want that. That will make you start to resent that person whether it makes sense or not. So having alone time is a great thing. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore or now there is an issue in the relationship. It could very well just mean you two are at the level where you are comfortable enough to be yourselves and do those specific things you like, that you’re at the point you don’t need to ‘speak’ the love so much, that the love is now unwritten, etched into each other and silently understood. You’re so comfortable in your love that time apart or doing things separately isn’t looked at as a threat. I find issues arise when people focus on the US so much that they forget themselves as individuals. Once that happens you may start to blame them because you haven’t been you in so long. Technically it would be your fault but you blame them because you feel you did it for them or for the US. It may sound weird, maybe I’m the only person to think this way, but I’ve seen it and I’ve experienced it.
I feel some people do it because they’d feel selfish, but there’s a difference in being selfish in the negative sense and just taking care of yourself, you. Trust me, if you take that time apart and take care of yourself it will make you happier as people and, in turn, make you happier and strong as a couple. Just like Ms Denise said in ‘marriage isn’t made to make you happy…”, it doesn’t make you happy because you have to already be a happy person. Now, if you get days away be happy! Enjoy your alone time, cherish it and do whatever YOU need to do to take care of you. Of course you will miss them, but taking time to take care of yourself added to that absence will make things great when they get home. Who doesn’t like coming home to a person that’s happy AND misses them. That’s just a great energy. It’s good and healthy to have things that take you away from the house and I suggest it. Whether it’s a job, Yoga class, sports with the fellas a couple times a week, the gym, writing classes (any classes), book club etc. They will all give you time to feed that thing that is specifically you, make you happy and feel satisfied and also give you new separate experiences, which would actually give you guys new things to talk about, which takes away from the boredom often associated, or that naturally comes with routine and a long relationship. I used to have trepidation towards time apart, often looking at it as turning into too much time apart as my wife and I are quite opposite, but that’s for the couple to determine. I do feel there is a such thing as too much time apart because I feel at some point you two begin living separate lives, but I am also a believer in being in the natural flow and if that is what naturally comes and you two spend most of your time apart and you are most happy doing things without the other, then you’ll just need to go from there. It’s better to find out that you just didn’t work than to be with each other for a long time denying yourself your passions/interests etc. Some people don’t match, and there’s nothing wrong with that, that’ s no failure. Relationships/marriages take work, but shouldn’t be forced.
Also, look at time apart as a good thing, it takes away from you needing to ask the other people for time apart, which can make some feel uncomfortable. Also, try your best to be flexible and work with it. If someone has consistent business trips, schedule your errands/activities during that time. So, the time you do have together you can spend together, if wanted, without feeling limited/suffocated/bored etc.
So, if you get three days alone. Love it and enjoy it. Do that spa day you’ve been wanting to do, reconnect with those friends you haven’t hung out with in months, read that book you bought and haven’t cracked open yet, work on that music you’ve been putting off, or just catch up on sleep, relax, clear your head, center yourself… it will make things better. Sometimes doing things for Me IS doing things for US.
Peace
Psychstudent71 says
Yes, there nothing like a husband going away for a week, My husband was a truck driver, so he will out for a day or two. I always miss him when he comes back.
Now he has Lung cancer, and is dying. I am grasping for every single moment. He is slipping away and soon will be gone forever.
D Luckett33 says
So sorry to hear that your husband is dying. How old is he? My husband is a truck driver, he smokes and is gone 2-3 weeks at a time.
Balance says
I LOVE me time!!! I like for my husband to be away for about 2 days, then I miss him. After about 2 days of going out with the girls, I am pleasantly reminded of why I married my best friend. We were long distance for many years, so we are pros at being apart, but we both cherish our together time, especially after travel. Neither of us are smothering or demanding at home, so we never really feel TIRED of each other, but it’s nice to have a few nights with no accountability to break up routine. We both miss someone being on the other side of the bed, so whenever one of us travels, the dog is very happy, as she gets to be the surrogate snuggle buddy 🙂
Execumama says
This is good stuff. Really got my brain in search mode wondering whether I’d relish time away. I don’t think I would. He and I are both good about taking time for ourselves when we can. It’s not overnight time away—more like a few hours—but that works for us. Overall, I see no issue with any spouse looking forward to time sans partner. To each his/her own, and if it’s keeping the marriage happy overall, then the occasional two-day business trip should be embraced. I do think though, that no partner should wait until the other one has to leave the city to get time for themselves. It’s about integrating time for self into your regular lifestyle, and the other partner should (ideally) be okay with that. Good post!
Camille says
I don’t know, after nearly 9 years…I still don’t love when my husband leaves. Now that doesn’t mean I dont appreciate a night alone…but if my husband leaves that doesn’t leave me without responsibility….just more! With nearly five kids, it’s such a blessing to have him around and help with things. I also have parents married more than thirty years and I know my mom jumps for joy when my dad is coming home from a business trip.
Like I said, I appreciate a girls night out once in awhile…and sometimes when my husband does have to be gone I make the most of it and try to get projects done after kids are in bed that I might not otherwise do…but ultimately? I would rather him be right there next to me.
Kmbk15 says
I call it Party Time when my hubby goes away. Being that when we dated; our relationship was a long distnace relationship; I have grown to appreciate my ME time very much. I can eat what I want and not have to make a plate, wash a dish, listen to noise, sleep without snoring, I can vacuum at 2:00 a.m. if I feel like it and I don’t have to share my treats.
Besides it’s healthy to get some away time from each other. I am sure he is happy to be able to watch Sports Center in a firm bed with cozy sheets with a 10 piece hot wing with this clothes on……..I would make him take those dirty clothes off before laying in the bed…giggles.
Anna says
I would not be happy if my husband were away from me. We can get our “me time” under the same roof, or by each of us working outside the home 40 hrs. a week. LOL. My husband gets his “me time”. all the time, going to the gym a few times a week, watching a ball game at a friends house, or visiting a family member. Fishing Season is around the corner, and his me time away from me for several hours a week is coming soon. I’m a homebody, doesn’t mean my husband has to stay home and entertain me, that’s what kids. gramdkids, a computer and cable tv is for. LOL.
Allie says
Blessed to have a husband who not only understands my need for me time, but supports it by sending me to the library, my favorite place to unwind, when he sees I’m getting frazzled. He recently encouraged me to take a cruise with girlfriends. I hesitated due to the cost and was about to refuse the invitation by my friends when he stepped up and encouraged by saying he would find a way to make it work. He held down the fort by caring for our 4 children at home while I had a wonderful 4 days away. Now that is a great husband!
Lily says
My husband is away and I have never felt so relaxed. I don’t have to ask what he wants for dinner, what he wants to do during weekend etc. My teenager kids have their own program and I have all the time to myself to do whatever I like. And I was out with friends, chatting and drinking late into the nights. And I need not worry about what he would say when I’m back late. But I feel so guilty! Like it’s wrong. I’m glad I found this article. At least I know I’m normal! hahaha! thanks!