Lately, I’ve been in a number of conversations about what a wife should look like when she’s at home with her husband. Is it okay to wear a head scarf? Should I be cleaning up in heels? Should I put on my makeup before he gets up in the morning?

I’m not going to knock you for whatever you do. But I’ll let you know what I do.

I don’t spend every minute of every day at home looking like who did it and why. I don’t know that I would do that anyway, married or not. I am conscious of underwear and sleepwear. I don’t walk around every day in bloomers or a house coat and I reach for the “cute and comfortable” more often than not.

But I also wear my satin bonnet or head scarf to sleep most nights. I wear tennis shoes when I’m cleaning my house. When I get home from work, most of the time I change immediately into gym clothes. I do my own hair so there are times when he might see me in a head full of plaits or rollers.  I apologize for none of the above.

To the critics who make the comparison between what I’m doing now that I’m married and what I did when we were dating, I say this: we’re not dating. When we were dating, at some point I went home. When I got there, I did the exact same thing that I do now. And unlike when we were dating, I’m keeping our house clean, doing my own hair to save money for our household, and keeping my body together so that it will be one I want to live in (and he will want to look at) for hopefully a long time to come.

Why do men not get the pressure to look like walking bombshells for their wives all day? If you tell me men are just visual creatures and women are not, I will give you the ultimate side-eye. I think the idea that only men care about appearance was made up by men to justify things that are not okay, like wearing holey underwear. There is a reason why 80% of Pinterest users are women; because women love looking at attractive things, and like it or not, that appreciation doesn’t change just because a man entered our line of vision.

But ultimately I refuse to subscribe to the myth that marriage means needing to be “on” at all times. Every day I go to work and have to wear my professional face for my colleagues. I have to be “on” while I’m managing our kids. One of the greatest blessings of marriage and intimacy to me is being able to end my day with my husband, take off every single hat, be completely who I am and comfortable in my skin and have him love me for it. In marriage, sometimes we see each other at our highest heights, and other times, we see each other at our lowest lows. If we’re going to be able to ride through the “ugly,” we at least need to be able to handle looking at each other without makeup.

I’m not perfect.  My husband gives me permission to be me, and I love him for it. And I refuse to do anything else.

BMWK Ladies, do you dress up for your husband at home? Men, do you expect your wives to look “perfect” around the house?