Kris and Akilah Richards have been married for 11 years now. They share with us in our film, Still Standing, that they started experiencing trouble very early on in their marriage due to differences in communication styles. Experts, such as Dr. Sherry L Blake, say:
“You need to be able to communicate in the good times as well as the bad times if you want to have a successful marriage.”
If there were issues, Akilah wanted to hash them out immediately, whereas Kris was just the opposite. His approach was to take some time to gather his thoughts.
Kris equated addressing the issues with confrontation and tried to avoid dealing with issues. Akilah says that if we don’t address the issues, it most certainly will lead to confrontation. Kris began to shut down”...Akilah began to have feelings of resentment.
Over time, things were getting swept under the rug”...they were not really getting addressed. Does this sound familiar? These type of communication issues are common and often lead couples down the path to divorce. Which is where the Richards were headed until they made a decision.
At one point they considered separation, but they decided that option was not desirable. They made a conscious decision to focus on happiness in the marriage and not on who was right and who was wrong. They began to have deeper conversations with each other around “why” they were having issues.
The advice that they would give other couples that are having irreconcilable differences:
” You need to check your motives. If you are focused on being right and proving your point, you need to check that within yourself. Are you coming from a place of how do I resolve things or are you coming from a place of I’m right and he’s/she’s wrong.”
They say when you are going through a rough patch, put the end in mind. Make sure you are coming from a place of resolution. If you are trying to prove your spouse wrong, your motives may not be right.
To see more on how Kris and Akilah were able to push past this discomfort in their marriage, check out our film Still Standing which is available on DVD now.
BMWK family have you ever found yourself in this situation? What did you do to overcome it? What are the best ways that you’ve found to overcome communication issues?
I thought you would be interested in this communication piece on marriage . I read it and it was what I was talking about our communication, check out out
B.
I’m glad we’re extending the conversation here on the site. It made a world of difference in our marriage when I shifted from proving my point to looking at possible solutions that would work for us both. There’s isn’t always a “solution” per se, but there is ALWAYS room for more compassion, more listening, and truth-telling from a place of love. #StillStandingBaby!
Thanks Akilah for caring enough about other people’s marriages to share what you have been through in your marriage. So many people have connected with your story!
I’m new to your site but I love it, much needed.
It’s important to find that happy medium when it comes to talking to each other and sorting things out.
Being married for 20yrs we have gone through times when communicating was tuff.
Welcome to the site John Glover, glad that you found us. Congrats on the 20 years and yes you’re right you have to find that middle ground.
<– Guilty and checked! I am a perfectionist and when something is less than ideal, I panic and have to fix it like yesterday. I need answers ASAP. I've been there… angry, resentful, wondering what I got myself into and how in the hell to fix it. Communication is not my strong suit. It took hubby to initiate those conversations that got us over the communication slump. Sometimes you just have to surrender.
You are so right Sheena…sometimes you have to surrender!! Lamar has helped a lot in this area as well.
Such wise words. You can’t be right all the time and going into every confrontation with that as your default position is asking for trouble. I’m so glad you guys were able to find a way through it. So often people give up and think that’s it but there is a reason people got together in the first place and its lovely to hear how you guys got back to finding that respect and love.
Thanks
Grace
Thanks for your feedback Grace.
I am also new to the site, and I always love the insight. Im 21, been married since Valentines day, and the insight I recieve from this site has helped me start my journey off right. Communication is the core of the relationship, it isnt always easy but always worth the effort..
Welcome to the site Tony and congratulations on your recent marriage!! It’s definitely worth the effort to ensure that the communication is right in your marriage…it’s something that we are constantly working on. Do you all have a plan for how to handle major disagreements? If not…this is definitely something that you might want to discuss.
Welcome Tony!
I’m so happy for this article but unfortunately we are separating due to a serious lack of communication. Please keep publishing this type of informative information and hopefully it will save other marriages.
Joeann,
I am sorry to hear about your recent separation….perhaps there is hope that you all will be able to reconcile through prayer and some type counseling/class. Check out Akilah’s story in Still Standing – http://www.westillstand.com….perhaps it will give you some ideas.
I’m also new to the site and a n ewlywed married one month in June. I’ve found that as of recently I am more open to communication and listening. I feel free to reveal.I hope we can keep this going.
That’s excellent that you’ve discovered growth in this area. Marriage is definitely an evolution.
I am new to this site, but I will be attending the screening of Still Standing in Baltimore tomorrow. This scenario is soooo familiar to my marriage of 6 years (almost 7 in September). I am looking forward to learning and understand how to look for the solution, even if it means waiting until he (and me for that) has time to calm down and think it through.
Thanks Nita for checking us out and I look forward to hopefully meeting you and your husband tomorrow night in Baltimore. Thanks for supporting the movement!
Your article is so true. My husband and I are experiencing this communication problem as I speak. He always feels he is right and wants to be go controlling it’s his way 90% of the times.