Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am a 30-year-old single man, who has done really well in life. I recently relocated from Atlanta to the D.C. area, and I am hoping to find a wife soon.
I make more than $500K a year and live a fancy lifestyle. How much money I make is not really important, but I mentioned it because my lifestyle influences the kind of women that I attract. However, most of the women I meet do not meet my expectations.
I am looking for a total package: a woman who is extremely attractive, humble, childless, down-to-earth, educated, professional, understands her worth and role, funny, feminine, spiritual and God-fearing and freaky—but not in public. Also, she definitely has to be a professional woman who has money making potential like me and must be willing to provide 100 percent unwavering support even if I only provide 50 percent support to her.
To summarize, I want a woman who looks like Halle Berry, cooks like she is from down South and will help me build my empire. I want a woman who possess most of the qualities that I mentioned, and I am okay with waiting until I find her. But if I’m honest, my search has not been easy. So I decided to write you because I wanted to ask if my expectations are realistic or unrealistic?
Thanks in advance Doc,
Dear Mr. Selective,
I can relate to your dream of holding out for the ideal woman. But after I woke up about 10 years ago, I realized that the woman who you are speaking of does not exist. Therefore, I believe that your expectations are unrealistic.
Your laundry list of qualities will keep you single. Also, I do not believe you understand what relationships are all about. Relationships are about giving and receiving, and it is irrational to expect to receive 100 percent of unwavering support from a woman and only give 50 percent in return. I believe your ability to find a woman is not because of your standards but probably because you come across as being selfish and self-centered.
You are very clear about what you want from a woman, but you did not share what you are willing and capable of offering a woman. No woman in her right mind will enter a relationship with a man who is only willing to give 50 percent of unwavering support (and if she is willing, I would question her motives and judgement). Please be mindful that devotion to yourself will cause you to remain by yourself.
You are definitely entitled to have certain standards or expectations when it comes to appearance and behavior. However, please keep in mind that emotional intimacy, trust and mutual respect can only develop in relationships when two hearts are joined and both individuals are willing to give 100 percent.
One of the most difficult challenges I think single men like you face in regards to selecting a wife and sustaining a relationship, is learning how to be team players who give 100 percent. In my book and film, Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single, I provide additional explanations as to why so many single men have unrealistic expectations about relationships. As you continue on your journey to find love, I encourage you to think about the following questions: What influences shape your expectations about relationships? Do you need to change your expectations?
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Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.