One day, my husband and I got into a huge fight. A doors slamming, eye-rolling, wish-I-could-strangle-that-mofo type of fight.
As we continued to fight with no progress made toward a resolution, it was getting late. I was tired and wanted some space because I just emotionally drained.
I turned to him and said, “If you don’t mind, could you please sleep on the couch tonight. I need some space.”
Okay, CLEARLY I didn’t say that. I’ll keep it real. What I REALLY said was, “You’re sleeping on the couch tonight! I can’t stand to be around you right now so help me God!”
He just gave me the “yeah right” face and kept it moving toward the bedroom. Don’t you know this Negro had the audacity to ignore my direct orders? Not only did he sleep in the bed, but he hogged the comforter, too! We had a good laugh about it in the morning.
Inadvertently, through that fight, we learned a valuable lesson. Had he actually slept on the couch, we would’ve woken up, looked at each other and the simmering resentment would have been allowed to boil over. But instead, we were able to laugh at how silly we were being, which allowed us to diffuse the situation.
I’ve heard plenty of folks joke about the husband being “in the doghouse.” Some men seem to live there. Whether it’s sleeping on the couch or the wife refusing to partake in the marital bedroom activities, the doghouse can take on so many forms.
But when you “punish” someone, aren’t you implying that you can exert dominance over that person? That they need to learn their lesson, a lesson that you are imparting because you are the only one who knows better? If two people are truly equals, does sleeping on the couch really prove anything?
How do you handle disagreements in your relationship? Fellas, have you ever slept on the couch? Ladies, have you ever withheld the goodies?
King James says
But when you “punish†someone, arent you implying that you can exert dominance over that person? That they need to learn their lesson, a lesson that you are imparting because you are the only one who knows better? If two people are truly equals, does sleeping on the couch really prove anything?
Not so sure about that Tara. I think in how you’re describing punishment, it may be seen as dominance.
But I don’t think it’s saying ‘you are the only one who knows better.” I’d think that it’s just b/c someone is upset and doesn’t want to be around the other person.
Not sure what being ‘equal’ has to do with whether the sleeping on the couch proves anything.
I agree here: wouldve woken up, looked at each other and the simmering resentment would have been allowed to boil over.
I never thought of it that way. Thanks! You guys are so awesome, I’d say.
thanks for sharing
MDUBB says
When I was going through my divorce, I went and spoke to a marriage counselor to sort some things out in my head. He told me sleeping on the couch is one of the worst things a person can do when going through drama with a spouse.
For a man it signifies that he is not King of his domain, he can’t even sleep in his own bed.
For a woman it’s simple. If you are your man’s Queen, then you should never sleep on anything less than the best he can provide, regardless of his or your mood.
I thought this was an interesting perspective.
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VEe! says
Tara, great ending to this post.
I totally agree that when you “punish” some one you are exerting a form or control, period. There’s no compromise or discussion. This is how you feel and a solution that will work best for you.
Nah, I never slept on the couch. However I do remember prior to getting married, she was really, really upset and she decided to sleep on the couch. (He just gave me the “yeah right†face . . . that’s whats up!)
Many guys have told me that their wives/ladies have withheld sex as a tactic to modify, manipulate their behavior and/or find a way to control their spouse. Unfortunately some times it becomes a pattern that can prove really harmful to a relationship. Nah, I don’t play that at all . . . I called my wife out on that, when she tries to get her way without some form of compromise. That doesn’t fly right at all.
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kmh20s says
one of the best relationship rules that we follow is that no matter how made we get we always lay our head down in the same bed together. not that it leads to make up sex or anything like that. it is just a sign of our commitment to each other to be there through the good and the bad.
as a matter of fact, we try to avoid leaving when we are in an argument. the temptation is too great when you are mad to walk out the house and seek comfort someplace else.
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D Michele says
I’m not sure how other husbands are but my husband WOULD NOT, I repeat WOULD NOT, sleep on the couch! He and I never really argue but if we did get into it, sleeping on the couch isn’t an option. Women are never expected to sleep on the couch in those situations so a man shouldn’t have to either. I think as long as u are wiling to communicate and laugh about things, u will be alright. It sounds corny but understanding and compromise does go a long way in a marriage. As long as u keep things respectful in a “heated argument”, eventually u guys will see eye to eye or at least agree to disagree. I think things go bad when u stop “wanting” or “needing” to talk about things and also when u resort to name calling and saying hurtful things to each other.
King James says
What about when it’s not that serious tho?
I know folks still do it, I guess just no one who reads this blog eh?
Tiya says
Tara, I just love the way you and your husband handled the situation the next morning. D. Michele I agree with you. I wouldn’t even think about asking my husband to sleep on the couch cause I know he would look at me like I was totally insane. I am guilty of calling myself punishing by withholding, but it gets absolutely nothing accomplished, my husband never knows that he was being punished, he just thinks that I was probably tired that night, so no lesson was taught. LOL. So I usually end up feeling very silly.
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Rock City Roots says
Tara, this one hits a personal note for me deeply. It is said in a marriage the two become one. So if you try to punish him are you not punishing yourself or rather the union.
When my wife and I went to marriage counceling before we tied the knot. The question of argument came up and the Pastor made a statement of never go to be angry at each other. However, my wife saidhe usually goes to bed whenever we have a huge fight. Pastor asked why I would do it. My response was because when I sleep I get relaxed, my head gets clear, and when thinking clearly it is easier to resolve an issue. Before i read the article I was saying to myself we usually discuss it in the morning and come to an agreement.
Allygyrl702 says
I totally agree! Think about it this way, do you punish your bestfriend or your sibling when they anger you? No, you talk it out and try to come to a resolution. You only punish children and animals. As married indiviuals you have to remember, that person is a free-minded, decion making adult. They can choose to be with you or not. So your best bet would be to treat them as such that way they can DECIDE to do better which is more likely to have a lasting impact than some form of “punishment”.
I DON’T disagree that there are consequences for actions but the consequences are not forms of punishment per se but a designed restitution to steer the course of the relationship from that point forward.
Smart Mouth says
When my wife decides that I am not “acting right” she will sleep in the guest bedroom and with hold “the loving” from me. Well this did not work out the way she liked because I pretended not to care and continued with my daily activities. After work I usually cook dinner, help clean the house, check homework, and once my children are settled and the kitchen is clean I study because I am in graduate school. My wife is a student/stay at home mom and she may take out the time to tell her girlfriends about what I have done/said. They don’t give her sympathy because they know what I do on a daily basis and they simply say “stop trippin” and take care of your husband because he is holding it down. That felt good to hear and I apologized.