Couples often unconsciously sacrifice intimacy as they struggle with juggling careers, kids, and finances. The daily stress caused by these challenges slowly begins to decrease the passion, spontaneity, and romance in their relationships; which ultimately create small intimacy road blocks.  If these road blocks go unchecked, over time, they turn into full blown intimacy barricades.  As a Relationship Coach, I assist couples with developing personalized strategies that help them breakdown these barriers and allow them to rebuild and reignite intimacy in their relationship.

I’ve discovered that a good number of couples are dealing with another intimacy barrier that they’re very hesitant to talk about.  The silent fear that couples have about sharing their feelings over the loss of intimacy due to this particular barrier is that their mate will perceive them as insensitive, selfish, indifferent, and inconsiderate.  This specific barrier, if not openly discussed and properly handled, will not only diminish intimacy but can potentially destroy the relationship. The intimacy barrier that I am speaking of is illness.

Couples that find themselves suddenly at the mercy of a life altering medical condition like cancer, mental illness, Crohn’s disease, degenerative arthritis, or that unexpectedly become permanently disabled due to a tragic accident often feel overwhelmed.  They find it very difficult to balance grief, fear, and the courage to persevere while trying to maintain a sense of normalcy.  Couples immediately recognize the physical challenges that come along with a life altering illness.  However, they typically don’t recognize the mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges that they will be faced with.

Is the intimacy in your relationship suffering because of an illness?  Listed below are tips to help your restore intimacy and revitalize your relationship.

Tips for the Supportive Mate

Remember that your mate may be dealing with low self-esteem, poor body image, depression, and may be struggling with their faith.  Keep this is mind as you help your mate transition from the life that was to the life that is.

• Allow the victim time to grieve. In order for your mate to begin to heal, they must be allowed to grieve the loss of their life as they once knew it.  They will experience a full spectrum of emotions such as denial, anger, shame, and depression before they reach acceptance.  As their significant other you will want to come to their rescue and fix it.  Understand that you can’t fix this nor is it your place to do so.  Don’t make the fatal mistake of putting a timetable on their grieving process.  We all heal in different ways and at different times.  Rushing them will only frustrate you and make them resentful.  Another mistake to avoid is feeling sorry for them.  You should, however, offer empathy to validate their feelings and words of encouragement to support their progress.  Don’t prolong the healing process by joining their pity party.  Doing this will confirm for them that remaining in a self-pitying or negative space is acceptable.
• When your mate is ready allow them the freedom to do activities that they enjoyed prior to the illness or accident. The sooner they get back to their routine the sooner they can start rebuilding a normal life for themselves.
• Allow your mate time to be alone. Let them experience and explore the world in their new body. This helps them to readjust on their own terms, gain self-confidence, and learn to live and engage the world in a new way.

Tips for the Supported Mate

Mates impacted by a serious health condition place yourself in your mate’s shoes. Remember they have to adjust to a new life as well.  They have to adjust to your new body, learn new ways of supporting you, all while handling daily life activities and determining how they best fit into this unfamiliar space.  Understand that this is just as traumatic of an experience for them as it is for you.  Remember you are not the only one impacted by this illness.  Therefore, you must seek to understand your mate’s feelings.  Open the door for better communication and connection.  Try to see things from their perspective as an anxious, frightened, fatigued caregiver.

Allow your mate to be a passenger on your road to recovery.  Work together as a team to find out as much as possible about the illness.  Work together to learn what is required to transition into this new life and to support one another.  Learn about new foods, medications, and equipment needed to manage your condition.  Be sensitive to the fact that they too may be dealing with self-esteem issues because they are incapable of fixing it for you.  Be aware that your mate still has physical needs.  So be proactive and learn how your condition and medications can alter your mood and affect your sex drive, so that you can openly discuss options to help maintain intimacy.

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