Communication

Both mates must be responsible with their communication. They must be aware of what they say, how they say it, and when they say it.

Supported mates should never use their new illness as a crutch to elicit sympathy, or to make their mate feel bad.  They should never make statements like, “you would still be attracted to me if, or I’m sorry that I am such a burden to you now.”  Statements like these are confusing and hurtful to a mate that is trying their very best to be supportive.

Supportive mates conversely should never make statements like, “I remember life before we had to deal with this, or I didn’t sign up for this.”  This can destroy the progress of healing and destroy your mate’s confidence.  Additionally, don’t compare your mate’s progress to someone else as it can cause a set back or diminish their growth.

Rebuilding Intimacy

It is important that couples work hard to maintain their intimacy as they adjust to their new life. Couples should move forward with physical intimacy as soon as they both feel comfortable.

Supported mates should learn to embrace and accept your new body by spending time alone naked in front of a mirror until you’re completely comfortable.  Don’t be afraid to touch your new scar, burn, amputated limb, or the place that once showcased a breast.  Once you are comfortable and feel confident allow your mate the opportunity to gaze at and explore your body.  Allow them to ask questions.  This will educate them and release the fear they may have about touching your newly altered body.  Be patient with this process.  Repeat it until you both are comfortable and have fully reacquainted yourselves and your new body is a non-issue.

Spice It Up

Be creative and readjust the way you experience intimacy.  Incorporate daily touching (holding hands, hugging, and massaging), more kissing, and more eye contact.  Sleep naked to maintain a high level of intimacy. Turn off the world, close the bedroom door and just lay and hold each other.  Reassure your mate that you still desire them with long love letters, texts, and quick love notes.  For couples that may not be able to have intercourse because of their medication, physical limitations, or specific illness consider incorporating oral sex and adult toys to pleasure each other.

Resources

This can be a tough transition for any couple.  Patience, understanding and trust are critical to the process.  If either mate feels that progress is not being made, don’t be afraid to express your concerns to your mate and seek external help from your Pastor, a Relationship Coach, or a Therapist.

Don’t allow a life altering illness to destroy your relationship.  Be honest with your mate about the things you desire even in the midst of illness.  Be sure to communicate your needs in a loving and thoughtful manner.  Most importantly reaffirm daily through your words and actions that you are committed to move through this transition together.

BMWK, have you ever been faced with an illness that affected your marriage?