After an affair disrupts your once-happy marriage, your feelings will fluctuate wildly as if you’re on an emotional roller coaster. I’m speaking from experience because this has happened to me. Yes, I’ve been in your shoes!  I’m not saying this to scare you, but to equip you.

What you should know is that ALL of your feelings are normal and valid for someone who’s been betrayed by infidelity.  It doesn’t matter if the affair was emotional and/or sexual. Pain is pain.  So don’t let anyone tell you your feelings are invalid.

But what happens when you decide to repair the marriage and move forward?

Sometimes, the wayward spouse (the one who betrayed your trust by straying outside of the marriage) will tell you that you have to move forward by moving past those feelings of hurt. And in your spouse’s mind, the only way to suppress those feelings is by not talking about the affair.

Does this sound like your situation? Does your spouse withhold the truth after infidelity has been discovered? Is your spouse not taking the necessary steps to win back your trust and settle your discomforts?

If this sounds like your scenario, then know that you’re not alone. It’s typical for the wayward spouse to not want to talk about the affair. And here are five key reasons why:

Why the wayward spouse might not want to talk about the affair:

1. Learned Behavior
For so much of their life, they were probably used to denying any and all wrongdoing whenever they’re faced to confront their mistakes. This could a behavior they’ve learned in childhood or something they’ve picked up from other examples they’ve seen in their lives. Even if they’ve come clean about an affair, they still may be operating under an impulse to avoid talking about it or to avoid taking further blame for their actions.

2. Unable to Stomach the Guilt
The wayward spouse feels guilty. Talking about it forces that spouse to rehash their feelings of failure, shame and guilt.

3. Guarding Your Feelings
Sometimes the wayward spouse thinks avoidance is the best way to protect their spouses’s from more hurt. By not talking, they assume they are not inflicting more pain and damage on you.

4. Avoiding Fights/Divorce
Other times, they want to avoid yet another fight or argument on the matter. Emotions are high after an affair, so arguments may be numerous and exhausting for both parties. In their minds, avoiding every opportunity to share potential hurtful information about the affair, will also bypass another opportunity for an argument.
Or, they fear that talking about the affair will open the door to that one definitive argument that all but points to divorce.

5. The Affair Isn’t Over
Lastly, it could be a sign that they’ve continued on with the affair. They could fear that answering questions about the affair may eventually point to evidence that the affair is ongoing. Or they can’t honestly repent and/or face their betrayal if they’re still doing wrong.

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Well, if there is anything I’ve learned from my experience with infidelity and my experience coaching couples on how to survive infidelity, I know you can’t ignore the conversation. To truly get past the affair, you have to discuss it. And here are five key reasons why:

Why the betrayed spouse wants to talk about the infidelity?

1. Process Feelings
The betrayed spouse needs to sort through their feelings, and that is hard to do with missing information. They need to move beyond the affair with the necessary information to try to “make sense” of it.

2. Feelings of Powerlessness
When the wayward spouse intentionally withholds certain aspects of the affair, the betrayed spouse can often sense it. Truth withholding makes you feel like a child and creates an imbalance of power with no sense of fairness or equality in the marriage.

3. Learning to Trust Again
If you’re unable to trust your spouse to tell the truth about the past, how can you trust your spouse to be honest in the future?

4. The Great Unknown
The not knowing is worse than any specific facts, considering the imagination will run ramped without the honest truth.

5. Taking the Next Steps
Showing a willingness to be honest and answer questions demonstrates a certain reassurance to do what’s right and necessary to rebuild trust.

Ever seen the show Sopranos ?  Refusing to deal with the infidelity, is like the both of you having just murdered someone in your bedroom then throwing the dead body in the closet and locking the door. You may not physically see it but you feel it and know it’s there.  Sooner or later it will start stinking up your (marital) home if you don’t take action.

If your spouse won’t discuss the affair or allow you to have answers, you will never heal properly.

BMWK, how do you bring up a conversation that your spouse wants to avoid?