I am writing you to see if I should continue dating my current guy. We have been together for a few years now and started talking about marriage last year. I was excited about the progress that we were making. Then, all of a sudden, this joker changed up on me. We went from sharing everything including Facebook status and money to sharing nothing.

Lately, this joker has changed his Facebook page to private, guards his phone like it is a two million dollar diamond and spends a lot of timing chatting on social media. I am not sure what happened, but he has become this super secret person who acts like he has something to hide. Also, over the last four months, he has not mentioned anything about marriage. My Boyfriend Turned into Secret Man: Should I Go Into Investigation Mode or Just Move On?

Thanks,

Ms. Future Investigator

Dear Ms. Future Investigator,

You have to decide what is best for you. However, I do not think that it is healthy to date someone or enter into marriage acting like a private investigator. Given this, I do not recommend that you go into investigation mode. If you cannot and do not trust him then you should move on. Your life and his life will be miserable if you start snooping through his things. Also, you do not need to look for anything because he has already put the clues in front of you. Clue number one, he is not ready for marriage; clue number two, he is acting like a classic cheater.

Based on his behavior he is probably cheating. And if he is not cheating he probably will cheat in the future. It is not my intent to judge him without knowing him. However, he is demonstrating all of the warning signs of someone who is cheating. We do not always understand what individuals are thinking if they do not share with us, but we can learn a lot about individuals by paying attention to their behavior. Therefore, I highly recommend that you take heed and pay attention to his behavioral tendencies. You can convince yourself to believe whatever you want regarding how he feels about you, but do not ignore how he treats you.

One of the biggest mistakes that I see a lot of women and men make in relationships is staying with someone who does not want them around. If he honors you he will make himself available to you. If you cannot relate to him and him to you, then there is no relationship.

You should spend some time thinking about what you need and want in a relationship. I say this not to be mean to you, but because the minute you begin to entertain the idea of being in a drama-filled relationship, that’s the minute you begin to position yourself to be miserable. Do not sell yourself short or lower your dignity for someone who does not know the value of what it means to be in one. Be patient, but not in this relationship.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.