Dear Dr. Buckingham,

Is it wrong or a bad thing for it to bother me that my mate’s ex of three years (divorce was legal 3 years ago, they were separated before that) called him at 11:57 pm to wish him a Happy Birthday (three minutes before the actual b-day) and also sent him a text.

They were married approximately 8/9 years and have no children. She is aware that we live together. He and I have been together. He knows that I have an issue with their continued communication. Also, he didn’t answer the phone at the time she called; but I asked after it was clear he was ignoring it and he said who it was and added that she texted too.

I can understand every once in a blue moon or maybe even in regards to a family member being ill, passing etc, but regular communication?

She also posted a picture on his social media pages saying happy birthday to him and it was on a young lady in lingerie (a model) who had a healthy figure. Mind you, he showed me the picture the night before and we were discussing whether this person should be judged for her size etc, but to post it to me is disrespectful to the relationship. He sees nothing wrong with these types of things.

I am growing weary of saying or explaining that I don’t care for this behavior. I don’t want to appear to be nagging, but I feel there are certain things that should be understood if you are in a relationship. Should I Say Something about My Partner’s Continued Communication with his Ex-Wife?

Dear Ms. Concerned,

Different people have different views about continued communication with ex partners. Some people believe that all ties should be cut after divorcing and entering into another relationship.  Others believe that it is okay to remain friends in a respectful manner.

I personally believe that individuals should not enter into relationships without discussing and clarifying this issue. I often encourage individuals to discuss the following questions: 1) How often is the contact and 2) what are the circumstance (s) and/or reason (s) for continued communication?

Communicating with Exes

It is not usual for ex partners to continue to communicate shortly after divorcing. There are legal issues and other things that occasionally require follow up. However, considering that your partner has been divorced for 3 years and no kids were involved, their should be very few if any lingering issues. If this is the case, I personally believe that communication should be kept to a minimum.

Circumstances

Occasionally, individuals feel a need to remain friends with their exes and sometimes send Happy Birthday wishes or check on family members. I believe that this is acceptable if done in a tasteful manner and meets respect guidelines.

Respect guidelines are standards that give structure to a relationship. For example, honor your partner, show consideration, demonstrate empathy, maintain appropriate boundaries and practice the Golden Rule.

• Honor Your Partner – Show high regard by expressing your appreciation and admiration. Let him or her know that he or she is adored and cherished. Put your spouse first and demonstrate respect at all times.
• Show Consideration – Be thoughtful and mindful. If your partner is troubled by your actions, try to modify your behavior.
• Demonstrate Empathy – Seek to understand your spouse by imagining how you would feel if you walked in his or her shoes. This will enable you to connect in a healthy manner.
• Maintain Appropriate Boundaries – Make sure that intimate moments and the celebration of life events are reserved for your spouse. Birthday wishes and Valentine’s Day recognition is an exclusive and VIP privilege.
• Practice the Golden Rule – Treat your spouse in the same manner in which you would like to be treated. Do not engage in behavior that you would not be okay with.

Practicing the above-mentioned guidelines is not optional if you desire to have a healthy and lasting relationship.

Yes, you should say something to your partner about his continued communication with his ex-wife. You should discuss the respect guidelines outlined above and ask him to speak with his ex. He should let his ex know that contacting him three minutes before his birthday is no longer acceptable. That time is now reserved for you and family members.

If he cannot respect you and the relationship, I would encourage you to cut things off and give him time to reflect on his behavior. His admiration for you should be the driving factor that influences his behavior, not his ex. He must learn to put you first. Respect is a vital relationship principle that must be present. Without respect, it is impossible to have a healthy and lasting relationship.

Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected].

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.