According to Newsweek, 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a sexless marriage. Although I do not specialize in sex therapy, I have counseled individuals who were in sexless marriages. One of the many problems that I often address in therapy is the difference between love and intimacy.
6 Tips for Creating Sexual Bliss in Your Sexless Marriage
In this article:
Many individuals get married based on love and underestimate the importance of intimacy. Love is simply defined as a powerful, compassionate and intangible emotion that directs the hearts of women and men. However, love is an emotion that can remain stagnated if intimacy is not present. Intimacy must be present in order to have a marriage filled with sexual bliss. Sexual bliss is defined as happy and fulfilling sexual intercourse and bodily pleasure that occurs in a passionate and monogamous relationship with a loving partner.
The Key to Experiencing Sexual Bliss
I believe that the key to experiencing sexual bliss is to develop a marriage built on intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a secretive sexual relationship that involves a sense of deep emotional and spiritual connection with a close or warm partner. The key words in my definition are deep emotional and spiritual connection. Without a deep emotional and spiritual connection, sexual bliss is difficult to achieve.
In my book, “Unconditional Love: Give and Receive Unconditional Love and Make Your Marriage Last Forever,” I describe three levels of intimacy and also provide an intimacy assessment. I would recommend that you secure a copy of my book, seek professional counseling and stop discussing your sex life with your friends. I know that you might find comfort in them, but the connection or lack of between you and your husband should not be girl talk.
Six tips for creating and sustaining sexual bliss in your marriage.
- Conduct an assessment of your current level of intimacy. Determine if your marriage was built on or is operating on the right level of intimacy. Greater understanding increases the capacity for greater intimacy.
- Focus less on physical intimacy and more on developing spiritual intimacy. Become a student of your spouse and learn about his emotional and spiritual needs. Be mindful that an in-depth and soulful connection with your husband outside the bedroom can lead to a blissful sexual relationship inside the bedroom.
- Make time in your schedule for sex. Make sex a priority in your marriage. Have a meeting with your husband and schedule sex dates.
- Pray for renewed and rejuvenated commitment. Think about the covenant that you made before God and use that as motivation to renew the romantic feelings for your husband.
- Remain resilient and do not give up. Resilient couples find solutions in problems. In contrast, troubled couples find problems in every solution.
- Seek counsel if you are struggling with creating or sustaining sexual bliss in your marriage. Instead of learning by trial and error, please get help. Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. – Vernon Law
If you’re going through your relationship without intimacy, I pray that your sexless marriage turns into a marriage filled with sexual bliss. Remember that spiritual intimacy can intensify emotional and physical intimacy, but physical intimacy cannot intensify emotional or spiritual intimacy. Sexual bliss is a by-product of spiritual intimacy and harmony. Also, remember that the libido is powerful energy that provides temporary pleasure, but spiritual intimacy is life-changing energy that provides long-lasting pleasure.
Whatever you do, please do not cheat on your husband. I believe in karma and remind people that karma is not punishment; it is what they put in the atmosphere.
BMWK: What steps can you take to avoid a sexless marriage?
Up Next: 3 Types of Intimacy Every Marriage Needs to Thrive
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on November 14, 2017. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
Keesha B. says
Hello Dr. Your article is great and provides a wealth of points that are right on target and factual. I especially appreciate how you shared that physical intimacy is a byproduct of a deep spiritual/emotional intimacy-connection and not the reverse. So so true! The one issue I had with the article is the underlying assumption that the wife is “holding out” so to speak. No, it wasn’t stated explicitly but comments such as “…renew romantic feelings for your husband… study your husband… shouldn’t be girl talk…. please don’t cheat on your husband” make it clear. Often times PEOPLE are challenged with HOW to connect emotionally, husband and wives alike. Traumatic childhood experiences is often the cause but both genders can struggle with attachment and emotional intimacy. It would probably be helpful to address these sensitive topics with a non-gendered lens because husband and wives often suffer in similar ways.
Great article. I LOVE what you had to say about prayer and resilience. I think that it is also important to look at love as more than an emotion or a feeling, since emotions and feelings change over time. Love is also an outlook toward, and commitment to the well being, and benefit of your spouse, and placing their needs above your own, without conditions. Sometimes the greatest triumphs in the marriage bed happen when we are seeking to give and please the other. I also think that spontaneity trumps scheduling, particularly for men. I think that scheduling can create a pressure for males that can inhibit arousal, and ability to “function”..