By James Woodruff

Many movies set you up to buy into the fallacy that the perfect man/woman will find you at the exact phase when you’re questioning if true love equals happiness. The narrative is that a soul mate is one who, out of a million legitimate prospects, is perfect for you. Experience tells me that we choose our soul mates. A person may enter your life through coincidence or an unlikely set of circumstances. However, that spiritual connection is developed and realized over time.

When you fall in love with someone, you’re drawn to him or her based on what they add to your life; but also what they pull out of you. The accomplishment of finding your soul mate signifies a win and the prize is a marriage people “awww!” over for a lifetime.

Except, it doesn’t always happen that way.

We’ve been spoiled to believe that you only get one soul mate. That is, there is only one person who qualifies as the yin to your yang. Because of the deeper connection that’s shared, a soul mate often feels like home; safe, secure, and peaceful. However, finding your soul mate simply isn’t enough. Being the perfect fit won’t sustain you in the long run. Love requires more. You may not always get a lifetime with your soul mate because when you encounter him or her, you’re not prepared to be a soul mate.

So many relationships, where two people seem to be everything for each other, fail because both people didn’t come to the table ready at the same time. Being ready for mature love is a journey. It’s a process in which you dive deep within yourself emotionally and mentally. When you spend so much time desiring a loving relationship with “the one”, you neglect you.

The problems, the insecurities, the fears that are underneath the surface don’t go away once you’ve found your better half. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. Your inadequacies are magnified because you know you. And because of that, you know that he or she deserves a better version of you. You can’t have long-lasting love if you’re not offering that chosen person your healthy, complete self.

A soul mate is the first person who truly sees you. They become a mirror. Being with them activates a level of vulnerability that you weren’t aware of. A soul mate breaks down the walls without trying because you see so much of them in yourself. That is, a soul mate gives you a glimpse of who you can become. Only genuine, unselfish love can do that.

Soul mates pull out the worst in you the same way that they celebrate the best parts of you. They force you to be honest. They force you to face the ugliness under the layers. They make you understand that love doesn’t allow you to stay the same person. Dealing with that rawness isn’t easy. It’s as uncomfortable as sitting in church knowing you were doing all types of sinning just a few hours earlier. If you have a conscience, a heart, you’re going to feel bad. The reason for that type of guilt? You know that a soul mate loves you without limitations and conditions. Love, when it’s real and honest, only asks you to reciprocate.

We look at marriages of 30+ years and we have this expectation about “knowing” that moment when he or she is the one. The couples who met at the perfect time and grew together in love are the lucky ones. I don’t think finding your soul mate is the same for everybody, though. You’re going to meet a person who is everything you could ever want. He or she will fit an entire list of qualities that you didn’t even know you needed. But it won’t last and that’s okay. It’s a bittersweet but necessary lesson. Losing your soul mate is an event that’ll shape your perspective on love.

They add on to the fabric of who you are and who you will become. So don’t be engrossed by thoughts of “when’s it going to be my turn?” as engagement and wedding season blooms. The best thing you can do as a single man/woman is to take time to do the work to become a soul mate. Once you’ve done the hard work on your individual growth, loving someone else thoroughly and spiritually, as soul mates do, will happen at the precise time of your readiness to handle it.

BMWK, do you feel you married your soul mate? 

James Woodruff writes from the perspective of a struggling Christian trying to figure it all out. One Bible verse that has become his life’s mantra is John 3:30. You can visit his blog, 30s and Beyond.