by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
I am a Mary J. Blige fan, I love her music. Sometimes it just speaks to me. There are times when I’ve been at a certain place and her music has met me right there. I often find myself listening, enjoying and singing along. Mary’s most recent song (with Trey Songz) that I find myself singing along to is “We Got Hood Love”. I hadn’t previously paid much attention to the lyrics until recently. I noticed I was singing,
“We got hood love, I be cussin’, I be screamin like it’s over”.
It finally hit me. When people use the term hood love, is this what they mean? The phrase is becoming more and more popular, it was just an Essence hot topic and I know people who have had relationships like this. The thought of hood love brought another song to mind, Lauryn Hill’s X-Factor. I often sang along to this one with the following words,
“Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars. As painful as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else…
No one’s hurt me more than you and no one ever will”.
Is this considered hood love as well? It seems like the same kind of love. When the Lauryn Hill song was in rotation, as I sang along, I would think how deep this type of love must be. If a couple had endured all of this, there must be something serious in there somewhere. Back in my younger days, it seemed that real love had to have some sort of drama and I thought that was what I wanted. But my relationship and later marriage displayed none of that. I wondered what was wrong with us, why didn’t we love that hard? I knew people who couldn’t get along unless they weren’t getting along. A couple of those relationships worked out and some ended as painfully as they started. As I am older now, and very happy, I have come to the conclusion that if this is what hood love is, I will have to take a pass. We don’t have to love like that. It just isn’t healthy for me or us. I personally can’t exist in any relationship where there is cussin’, fussin’, screamin, a battle or scars. I can’t feel like leaving sometimes. A real relationship should be simple. There will be disagreements, yes, but knock-down, drag-out screaming matches, NO! We should trade in the cussin’ for conversation, get rid of the screamin’ for some seduction, and lose the battle and scars to add bliss and sanctity.
BMWK, Have you experienced a “Hood Love” relationship? What are your thoughts on “Hood Love”
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Angela says
“A real relationship should be simple. There will be disagreements, yes, but knock-down, drag-out screaming matches, NO! We should trade in the cussin for conversation, get rid of the screamin for some seduction, and lose the battle and scars to add bliss and sanctity.”
Amen to that..
I fully agree to all you have said on this page.
I'm going through some difficulty in my relationship, it's becoming apparent that my partner is used to “hood love”, I have experienced it years ago, but I like to think I have steadily learnt how to build a healthy relationship now, I'm trying to teach him the same, it's very challenging, it has caused damage because I refuse to accept shouting, cussing is how to resolve problems, it just adds to them. My partner is 42, I am 34, yet I have experienced and developed myself more.
I think some people are so used to being this way, they don't know any other and to change is uncomfortable, unknown territory, even though the outcome is what they want, the journey is what they fear. Just my thoughts, during my current situation. Pray for me :o)
http://www.lov3d.wordpress.com
Tiya says
Angela,
I will be praying for you and your partner. I pray that he joins you in creating that healthy relationship.
mirian wallace says
You are exactly right! When u have been raised in a family of dysfunction where u have seen fighting, shouting and profantiy… you believe this is the norm. When u enter into a relationship where the person was raised in loving, caring household your relationship lacks bickering and fighting…you began to think something is wrong. You belive the person doesn’t love you, so in essence u pick a fight! I was guilty of this when I was in a monogomous relationship in college! it destroy the relationship!
AJ Bell says
I completely agree with Angela!! It's very challenging when you have been in “hood love” relationships and moved past that behavior, but end up with a partner who has not yet realized there is no need for all the D.R.A.M.A.!! Many times, you don't see that behavior early on, so you fall for the person, then it's so much harder to walk away. Hence the reason I used to lose my voice singing to Lauren Hill's “X Factor” every time it came on…lol
I think Hood Love is real love…it's just a very immature form and most people who end up in sucessful relationships grow out of it.
Fontaine says
You hit the nail on the head with that one, AJ !! 🙂 It's about growing out of that immature state! ! I think most men and women have had this type of love once in their lives, the question is did they grow out of it ??
Tiya says
Great point AJ. It really is an immature form of relationships. As we mature, we learn more about ourselves and what we want. When we decide that what we want is peace and joy, our actions will partner with that want.
Erjejo1114 says
Hood love is no good. I've been in it and it nearly destroyed me! Never again!
Erica Day says
I've never experienced hood love, and I don't want to. I need my home life to be peaceful, something I can come home to after a rough day. I'd go crazy if I had to come home and fight all the time!
Anna says
I've never experienced “Hood Love”. Is this suppose to be A Badge Of Honor”, like most things “Ghetto”, I don't understand, like selling your tv to pay your cable bill, or putting your vehicle in “Ray Ray's name so you can get your new sticker because you have a block on your drivers license. LOL.
Staycee2 says
I'm married with two beautiful kids and a wonderful husband… Although, I must admit I've experienced Hood Love and boy o boy is it UNHEALTHY!!!!!!! At the time I was single and was dating a thug n we were in a pretty heated argument n out of nowhere BANG he head butted me!!!!!! WOW, I had NEVER EVER experienced being hit by a “BOY”/Man in my life. Immediately I knew from that day on that I never wanted to live my life this way or involve children in such an unhealthy environment… On to da next….
Erika says
wow… I so hope you changed your name, appearance and entered witness protection program.
sounds like he was a straight up PSYCHO – i mean, for real… a headbutt?
and since he did it that quickly, like a knee jerk reaction or a reflex, he is used to doing that and worst.
so glad you left him.
wow…
a headbut…
whoa…
*still shaking my head*
8thlight says
The Mary song sounds less like love and more like lust. They probably are only compatible in the bedroom type of thing.
The Lauryn song could easily be seen as an abusive relationship.
MoniLove says
Hood love is no good. I've experienced it! And when that year in my life was over I couldn't be more thankful. Love should be easy. Love should be sweet. Love should be kind. Love should be gentle. Of all the places in the world, I should feel comfortable, safe, and loved at home. Getting battle wounds is NOT how I want to be shown that I am loved!
MoniLove says
s/b “I couldn't have been more thankful”
Sumtertk says
MoniLove,
Yes, the place you should feel the most loved, most comfortable and most respected should be in your relationship.
Miko Lee says
Wow, Tiya, this article is great! It does make me wonder if this is what we glorify and, if so, is this why abuse in relationships seems so common for our youth. Are they listening to Mary J, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Lauryn Hill, etc tell us that we have to do all this to be in love??? Thanks for opening my eyes and making me look at these songs in a different light. Looking at this article, it makes me realize that some “love” songs can be just as detrimental as rap songs!
TheMrs says
Alot of these “dating” youth have dating parents who are listening to the music you are talking about. As parents, we lead by example so if Kimmie sees her mom getting abused in a relationship and all of her aunts getting abused in a relationship then this is the norm and what they strive for.
Anna says
Right. Parents should lead by example but make sure you listen to the music your kids listen to. It allows us as parents to say “What the Crap Is This”. LOL. I so get/got tired long ago on male/female bashing in today's music. “Women are this this that and the other” Some rappers just lie about their status to be “Cool” to sell CD's and live in the “Burbs” but also grew up in the “Burbs”. Some who are not “Hood” just play the “Hood Game” and kids and grown folk hoods fall for it. “Hood is as hood does, and I guess you do what you know or, know what you do. LOL. Either way, not a pretty look.
Tiya says
Thanks Miko! Yes, the love songs can be just as heavy, we have to pay attention to those words.
MzCole77 says
SO TRUE!!! I've often wondered why MOST people never listen to the lyrics of a song. The music just gets listened to and not the lyrics. IF people paid attention to the lyrics of the songs they would only listen to about 10%-15% of what's out there.
TheMrs says
There are songs that I listened to as a teen and very young adult that will play during an old school lunch and I actually listened to the words this time and realized what they were talking about and now I won't listen to them…
keshia campbell says
IM GOING TO SAY THIS KEEP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE…OK ITS ME…SURE IT IS ….YEP IM THE BAD ONE…BUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS I WONT AND WILL NOT EXCEPT YOU COMING CORRECT…..PERIOD….IVE ALREADY EXPLAINED IN THE BEGINNING WHEN I STOP TALKIN….THATS IT…U DIDNT BELIEVE ME…..I HAVE NOT CHEATED ON YOU…OR TOLD U TO BATTLE FOR MY LOVE AND AFFECTION BUT THAT IS WHAT U WANT…DRAMA….LIKE I SAID WHEN U ARE AN ADULT EMOTIONALLY…..U RELIEZE ITS ABOUT THE OTHER PEROSN, U, AND GOD FIRST…YES THE CHILDREN ARE IMPORTANT…VERY MUCH SO…BUT IN THE END OF THE DAY…THEY WILL LOVE WHO U LOVE IF YOU SHOW STABLIITY…IF NOT CONFUSION WILL CONTINUE…DISI[LINE AROUND HERE…IM FRUSTRATED WITH ALL THIS…IM MEAN IF U DONT KNOW WHAT U WANT….THEN I HAVE ALREADY MADE THE DESICION FOR THE BOTH OF US…..EVERYBODY MOVE ON…U WILL NEVER SUPPRT ME TO DISPLAY A CONSTANT COMMITMENT…THAT IS WHAT KIDS WANT TO SEE….CONTINUED NON INTERUPTED COMMITMENT STABLIITY STRUCTURE…NOT BEING FICKLE LIKE A TEENAGER
Keshia_cmpbll says
its only a problem when others are not gettin their way….thats all I see and understand….Now do I bering drama and confusion NO!!! Im just not gonna except anything less than what I deserve…and if u dont want simple that is COOL with me…
Gladys Pearson says
Hi, I don't think that HOOD LOVE is healthy for me, you, him, her, the kids, and your neighbors! It may be the only kind of LOVE LANGUAGE that has been displayed in their lives and so it rolls over to the next generation! What's missing is the DADDY factor. Men, don't you know that you are supposed to be the thread that holds the FAMILY TOGETHER? Without you, not only do your SONs SUFFER, but your DAUGHTERs SUFFER just as well! How are the males going to learn how to treat a Woman, how are the females going to know how they are to be treated by Men? BLACK MEN YOU MARCHED THE MILLION MAN MARCH, NOW LETS MARCH BACK INTO OUR CHILDREN LIVES AND SAVE THEM!!!!! Don't let the System win! They pretended to help your Family out with Welfare and they MADE YOU LEAVE!!! That was the GAME PLAY to break up the CLOSE KNIT BLACK FAMILY!! Brothers, it's 2010, your'e working, take back your Family NOW!!!!!!! Your Children are your blessings, Count your blessings and take care of them!
keshia says
I thank u for that….like I said if a man cant or wot make up his own mind with GOD guiding him….so be it..Im just happy to go own with my life…..
keshia says
Now that's HOODLOVE…AT IS FINIST….NOW
Sumtertk says
Amen Gladys!
Elija says
“Hood love” is real for so many people, which is very unfortunate, but it doesn't mean that it is right. Many of the relationships we get involved in are a result of our individual internal perceptions, they are a reflection of how we see ourselves. If black men believe that black women are all $&$*#s then there is no way to cultivate a healthy relationship, with a black woman. If black women believe that all black men are “dogs” then again there is no way to cultivate a healthy relationship, with a black man. In fact this perception creates a self-fulfilling prophesy that is re-enforced by our expectations. Thus, the expectations that we have of others leads to how we treat others. Therefore, if the black man views the black women as loving, caring, passionate, strong, determined, and worthy of respect and honor, the black man will treat her with and as such. If the black woman chooses to view the man as strong, determined, and worthy of respect, then the woman will treat him with and as such.
The views that we as black people have about each other, men and women, have been developed over centuries and there has been little understanding of such effect on us as a people. Gone are the days when fathers raised their sons to be respectful to women and demonstrated that. Gone are the days when women required that their sons be trained on how to be men, to be disciplined, to be focused, and to think about future and family. Thus, we are seeing the results of such lack of training and engagement. There are at least two to three generations that are largely lost because we don't know and we haven't trained the next generation to be all that they can be and to love themselves and their people without hating other. Living in the United States is challenging, especially for blacks, and to compound that with not respecting each other makes living here worse.
It is time for us to rise and be the example that our children are looking for. It is time for us to show the respect that may not be earned or deserved, but is needed to change the course of a persons life. If I am respected, then I will reciprocate accordingly which creates a cycle of honor. We have much work to do but it must be done to stop the destruction of family and to replace the so called “Hood Love” with “True Love.”
Anonymous says
Preach it Elija because you ain’t saying nothing but the truth!
Guest says
“Hood love” is simply an indication of two people who are emotionally immature. They most likely lack positive self esteem and therefore don't expect better for themselves. What will help is to have more outlets such as this website and different images via television, magazine, etc. that show what “real black love” is. My perception is that “hood love” is being glorified in certain segments of the black community as “just the way it is” if you are black. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is not healthy, period and should be looked down upon instead of glorified.
Anonymous says
GREAT – Great comment!! Posting your comment along with the B&MWK article to my FB. You said it all.