Six years ago, I had the last conversation I would ever have with a very dear friend. While we were talking in June 2008, I did not for one second imagine that we would never speak again.
The Last Call
Between June and September 2008, I attempted to call my friend on a number of occasions. We share the same birthday and it had been our ritual for 20 years to never miss exchanging birthday wishes or expressing the fraternal love we had for one another. Oddly this time, when I called him on our birthday, he did not answer nor did he return my call.
I tried calling him several more times, leaving him messages and expressing the angst the way one does when he is concerned about his brother. But those efforts were of no avail. He never returned my calls. Undesirably, on September 15, 2008, I received a call about my missing friend. My fraternity brother on the other end of the phone simply said my friends name followed by the words “is gone”.
Gone But Never Forgotten
I didn’t need to ask “gone where” because I could feel it in my fraternity brother’s voice. Our beloved brother had passed from this world. I asked the usual questions: when, where, how and why. The answer to the first three were simple. Conversely, the fourth question, “why“, was a bit more complicated.
It turns out that my friend had been dealing with some hardships. He was reportedly dealing with some sobriety issues that manifested after learning he had a disease. The disease had affected his ability to be as active and athletic as he had always been. The inability to temper his alcoholic self-medication affected his performance at work.
Before long, his health was deteriorating and gainful employment was vanishing right before his eyes for a second time. In sum, he was at the crossroads of being dispossessed of all the things that he believed made him a man.
He’s Not Alone
Two months from the last time, we spoke, he committed suicide. As sad and tragic the story of my friend – his story is not an anomaly. Instead, his story is the story of African American men everywhere.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young Black males ages 15–24. Black men are five times more likely to commit suicide than Black women. Among our elders (adults age 65 and older) Black men account for 87.2% of the suicides committed.
While many brothers will not take their lives, too many like my friend will give suicide real consideration. Whether we execute suicide plans or simply have a suicidal thought, excessive numbers of brothers feel divested of their manhood. Too many brothers feel hopeless and can find little motivation to keep hope alive.
What Is A Man?
While a man is among the living, society defines manhood by quantifiable possessions. We equate being a man with money, cars, homes, jewelry, jobs, etc. Women fawn over “the man” who seems to have it all – the well dressed, deep pockets, luxury car driving man. Men idolize “the man” who women fawn over.
Yet, when a man is gone and we eulogize him, we define manhood by something altogether different. We explain manhood using unquantifiable terms. At death, we praise the man who was loving, considerate, compassionate, thoughtful, honest, and hardworking. During bereavement, we give little thought about the quantifiable possessions – things that moths and rust destroy – money, cars, homes, and jewelry.
Happy Birthday My Friend
On the day that is approaching what would have been my friends 46th birthday, it seems as appropriate as ever to share a few things the African American community must do to prevent what happened to my friend from ever happening to any other brother. The African American community must rethink manhood. The following are six ways to shift our way of thinking:
- Empowerment – We must start by raising young men who are mentally, emotionally and spiritually liberated. Young men who are willing and able to recognize and admit to themselves when there is a problem – when they are troubled. We simply can’t continue to raise young men who believe problems should be ignored and sweep worries under the rug.
- Transparency – Our community must become a haven for honesty and directness. Young men must understand that being vulnerable about feelings is not a sign of weakness. We must raise men to embrace openness as a sign of real strength. Sharing is caring and if our community is going to progress ALL men are going to need to endorse transparency of feelings and emotions.
- Recognition – We must stop treating life as if it is some arbitrary final destination. Life is an incredible journey – hopefully a long journey – comprised of infinite peaks and valleys, insurmountable highs and lows. Young men today mistakenly see life as a short-term sprint. The urgency to obtain all the possession of “the man” is not only destroying our sons but it is destroying our fathers and brothers from the inside out.
- Support – Men – particularly those who we hold in the highest regard – must be open and honest about their own shortcomings, frailties, trials and tribulations. Not only does it take a village to raise a child but it takes a village of self-sacrificing men who will put their egos aside to raise the hopes of young men who feel hopeless. We must disrobe from the pretense of having it all together, all the time.
- Encouragement – Confucius said “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” The sentiment Confucius details must be a guiding principle for our community. No one can be excluded from this directive. Everyone must be encouraged to rise when they fall. Young men and old men merely stay down after falling because there is no one encouraging them to rise. Let’s encourage every brother without exception to rise.
- Preparation – We must acknowledge that we need to do a better job preparing our young men. If we are going to contend that certain elements of society work against our communal interest, we are going to have to develop a more effective plan of action than we currently have. Complaining is never a substitute for action. It’s time that we enact our own community and social policies to change the dismal academic, legal and economic outcomes which leave our young men feeling hopeless.
Day of Lamentations
As I prepare to lament another birthday without my friend, I have a request of you. Don’t allow any man in your life to be defined solely by quantifiable standards. I hope you would agree that being a man is a lot more than material items. While you have the chance make sure the men in your life know and understand that a man is so much more than money, cars, clothes, homes and titles.
This article was a much needed wake up call for all of us. Thank you for sharing and my prayers are with you. I would also add to the list, in addition to support, we all must create a safe place for men to be vulnerable. If women look sideways when a man shows his emotions, sheds a tear or shares his truth or thinks he’s less than a man because of it, that man will no longer open up. We have to create those safe spaces where it’s okay to say you’re not okay, you’re hurting and you need help.