by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
I spend most of my Monday mornings at work listening to the exciting weekends of my co-workers. A fun spontaneous date by one, clubbing with girlfriends from the other and a quick weekend girls’ getaway by yet another. By the time it’s my turn to share, I don’t have much to add other than saying it was a good weekend. How boring that must sound. Most of the people I have these conversations with are not married, so they must be thinking “Wow, marriage is really boring.” But is it really?
After being together for so long, we do tend to get caught up in the same routine day in and day out. The weekends all run together, a birthday party here, the kids dance class, a soccer game etc, etc. All in all, yes, marriage can become boring, if we allow it to. If you are like me and choose to keep it fresh, check out these suggestions:
- Meet up in cyber space. A fun, sexy chat can be a lot of fun. You can meet in the chat room of any social networking site like Facebook.
- Write love letters. Remind your spouse how much you love them.
- Don’t go straight home. Set up a babysitter or grandparent in advance to pick up children so there won’t be any excuses. You and your spouse can head straight to your destination and have a great time.
- Be a tourist in your own city. Make a list of things you want to do or see and get out.
- Have game nights. Pick a game just for two and play after the kids have gone to bed. Add your own special twist on the rules to make it more exciting. Like, the loser has to _____________???
- Host a couples’ night. Grab other couples you feel could use a night out and have a couples’ outing. You could host one in your home or meet out somewhere fun.
- Attend a couples’ retreat. It is a great getaway and a perfect way to reconnect. Get spiritual guidance and experience exciting workshops and breakthrough sessions.
- Join a marriage ministry or group at your church. You will continue to be uplifted and given ideas that strengthen your marriage.
- Create a book club for couples. Pick a book, preferably one about relationships, read and discuss what you learned.
- Be spontaneous. Be open and willing to try new things.
BMWK, what would you add to the list that has worked for you in keeping your marriage exciting?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Adrienne says
You have some great suggestions here!! My husband and I have 3 kids and have been married 13 years. They kids are JUST now old enough to stay home alone for a couple hours without us having to worry (14, 10, and 8).
We just kinda wing it. If it’s a pretty day out we’ve done something as simple as go to a local flea market and just walk around, talk and people watch lol. We have also gone to walmart and walk in opposited doors and pretend to just meet and talk which is hilarious when we see someone who KNOWS we have been together since we were 15 lol.
I love the idea of being a tourist in the city you live in. I will HAVE to do that one!
Thanks! I LOVE this site!
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..I’m just a blogger and this is just my blog. =-.
Fred says
Marriage is boring if you allow it to be. You have to constantly work to keep it interesting. Keep doing all of the things you did when you were dating. Those were exciting times. If you work, you can keep that level of excitement throughout your marriage.
.-= Fred´s last blog ..Respect is a Key Ingredient in Marriage =-.
Harriet says
On the flip side of this, Tiya, I’d rather have boring than full of drama. LOL My marriage is not boring by any stretch of the imagination, but if I had to choose between soap opera and doing nothing, I’m doing NADA.
As far as your suggestions are concerned, WOW! We’ve done pretty much all of that and more. We both love sports, so while our child plays on the playground, we’re pounding it out in a sweat filled game of one on one basketball. Plenty of fondling going on there. LOL
We like going to festivals and concerts when time permits. That’s about all I can add right now.
Awesome post!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Tiara says
Great ideas! It is so easy to get into a slump when you have such routine. We all need a little spice.
.-= Tiara´s last blog ..In Memory of My Grandfather =-.
Mz Fraz says
I think that all the stuff single people do, couples can do together. My husband and I go out dancing. We go on weekend get-a-ways (just last weekend to Monterey to stay at a bed and breakfast). We also go to Tahoe and snowboard and also go to the beach a lot during the warmer months. But I have to attribute this to my husband he is really active so it gets me going. It is easy to get in the rut of marriage when going to Home Depot is something we start to look forward too. I think that its important that we not limit ourselves to things that “married people do”. Otherwise we may start miss being single.
Anonymous says
I ADMIT, that There are times when I miss the whole dating experience. The spark of it all and the thrill! Before I got married, my husband and I were in a long distance relationship. I lived in California and he lived in Illinois. He would fly out to Los Angeles to see me and I would surprise him with romantic trips to Catalina Island. Now Catalina is no Hawaii, (its still beautiful though) but the spontaneity of just the two of us getting on a hour boat ride to get out of the city to have a picnic was simply romantic! He loved all of the times I had something out of the ordinary planned. Now, The routine of life and kids will bring in a whole dynamic. We ADORE our son, at the same time we have to be even MORE diligent about spending time together and having heart to heart conversations outside of what we did at work during the day and how much we can’t stand some of the people we work with! Marriage can get boring if you don’t keep the spark in it! And you don’t have to spend a lot to do so! But, you have to MAKE the time to do it. I love the game night suggestion! Add your favorite Wine to the game while you are playing and let the sparks happen! I think its time I scheduled a Game Night! Good Article!
Ruby Griffin says
Marriage is a line of conversation,leave it open and you will learn.take out the time to listen at the small thing he is saying,stop! trying to express him, just be yourself,he will leave you a trail,just pay attention.stop! being selfish,surprise your husband ,give him a list of what you want, in the field of entertainment of uplifted your fantasies,change is good…you must put the same amount of love in your marriage, to receive the same amount back out of it.if you are pulling one way,and your spouse another,it not going to work…come together and learn you’ll like and dislike,then you can improve on the bordness of your marriage…learn his body language,know his mood for love,know when he just want to hold you,know when he want his space,or his private time,or know when he just want you to make his day better.take the time out to learn and known who you is loving…
{JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After says
I wrote a blog about this once.
My husband and I ask ourselves that question sometimes {by spending Saturday nights at our favorite thai restaurant while our friends are out clubbing, are we missing out on something?}. Our answer? If were missing out, at least were missing out on something we dont miss very much. 🙂
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Loved this thought… =-.
{JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After says
P.S. Love your suggestions! I think we’ll try some. 🙂
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Loved this thought… =-.
Tiya says
@ Adrienne, thank you! I love the walking in opposite directions and acting like you just met. That is just too adorable, and will definitely be added to my personal list 🙂
@Fred, the dating times were the best, it is so true, it takes work and we have to keep that up, thanks for your comment.
@Harriet, love the one on one basketball, I immediately thought of Love & Basketball, lol. I know I can also do without the drama for sure, I am with you on that one! Thanks Harriet.
@Thanks Tiara!
@Mz. Fraz, AMEN and AMEN. Love it!!!! I’ve never looked at it like that doing the things that singles do, well said!
@Anonymous, those romantic outings are such a great idea and it doesn’t have to be expensive.
@Well said Ruby!
@JeLisa, thank you! I so agree with you, we are not missing out on the clubbing, sometimes I admit it sounds fun when I hear others talk about it, but I’d much rather be home cuddled up with my man. Thank you.
Tamara says
*raises hand* Hi, we’re the boring married couple! (ques up Wayne Brady’s “Ordinary” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDbVo82Tu10) And we’re proud OF IT, lolol. We hardly ever have anything exciting to add about our weekends or weeknights. We even got called boring by a friend for having not done anything for Valentine’s Day (we dont celebrate Valentine’s Day but thas besides the point lol)!
We love it, this is how we live our lives, for now. This will surely change once we have kids and such like that, but for right now, we enjoy being the boring married couple. 🙂
Aiyana says
Remember, the marriage is made up of 2 people so if it’s boring then that means that those 2 people must be….. 🙂
.-= Aiyana´s last blog ..My Way Or The Highway =-.
Anna says
Aiyana April 7, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Remember, the marriage is made up of 2 people so if its boring then that means that those 2 people must be….
~~~~~~~~~~
I agree. My kids think I have a boring job and my life is boring. My kids are 20ish and like to go out. My husband and I still date. We send each other emails and call each other while in the same house on our cell phones. To me that is not boring but building and having fun with our marriage. There is nothing wrong with sharing what you did last night or the weekend with others who ask. Don’t think that those who may seem to have a exciting life are all happy. I love talking about what I did this or that weekend, even if it was baking cup cakes with a kid, coloring or watching cartoons. We know not every married person is happy, just as not every single person is either. To me dating to find a/your “Prince or Princess” has to be not just time consuming but sometimes unfulfilling. Be proud if you have a boring life. It just means to me that we are now settled down and have our “Grown” on. LOL.
Ronnie says
I have to say…call me boring..but the last time I went to a club..I was like ..I am so glad I am married because this is not my scene anymore. Sometimes a quiet weekend with the family when we don’t have any functions to go to is the best. The kids get to play in the yard..I get to lay around the house in sweats and watch movies and take naps with my husband. We go to church on Sunday and receive a good word and then come home and relax some more before I have to start preparing for the week (i.e hair, laundry and such) Call me boring..but that right there is a dream weekend.
But don’t get me wrong, I do like to go out on dates with my husband. And I think we should go out a few times a month. Every week is not practical because of the babysitting fees or because the relatives are busy. A few times a month is good. And we need to go on short trips together a couple of times a year too. A 3 day weekend for just the two of us….yeah buddy!!! We usually save the long vacations for the entire family.
But we don’t have to go out to have fun…we just enjoy each other’s company. You should have seen us last night chasing each other and wrestling at like 2 am .. I was like stop playing I have to work in the morning… we had so much fun.
I like your suggestions Tiya
Tiffany says
Sometimes I do think my husband and I are the boring couple. We don’t have kids yet, but after a stressful work week, we just wanna chill and have a low key weekend. Since the weather is getting nicer, I’m planning a simple picnic for just hubby and me. Some fruit, sandwiches, maybe a bottle of wine, a blanket and each other at the park. I can’t wait!!
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..For Our Unborn Children =-.
Anna says
What some may find boring is so the opposite, it’s relaxing and “drama free”.
@ Tiffany enjoy not having kids right now. My husband married me and got a “instant family”. I have 3 kids, but if you ask him, he has 3 kids also. It does not matter how many kids you have. It matters that we adults/married people let our kids know what marriage is. Marriage is love and understanding. We do have to remember that kids say the darndest things. I can see my grandbaby now in a few yrs. saying , “Grannie Annie, what are you wearing”, as I am going on a date with my husband. My grand baby gave me the “side eye look” on Easter. Do I know You.? Why are you feeding me look . I wore my hair in my natural locks vs. flat ironing and I smelled like Ham vs Red Door. My sons gf does not eat pork, so it had to be the reason for the “side eye” when I gave my grand baby her bottle.
@ this post, don’t think that being married is boring. Somebody will find humor in it or may already be planning a picnic feast for their spouse.
Tiya says
@ Anna, your comment was too funny. I also like having our “grown” on. lol.
@Ronnie, oh my goodness, your week/weekend sounds so much like mine. We just have to add a few more of those weekend getaways in there that’s all. Thank you!
@Tamara, we also don’t do anything for Valentine’s Day, so that would make us be romantinc more times throughout the year as opposed to just waiting on that one day.
@Aiyana, so true, both people have to put into the marriage to keep it exciting!
@Tiffany, in my opinion, the picnic is ideal. A chance to relax together and enjoy.
Brotha Tech says
I don’t think married folks are boring…just really, REALLY efficient in how we have fun. We just don’t wig out and throw caution to the wind like single folks do. Married folks take part in “controlled chaos” – in order for us to be spontaneous and live in the moment, everything has to be pre-planned and carefully orchestrated! An oxymoron, but it works!
.-= Brotha Tech´s last blog ..Netflix iPad App is Real; Hulu in the Works – CE Pro =-.
Nicole says
Marriage is far from boring. Your list is a great tool to keep marriage exciting as well. Now of course we’re not able to do things willy nilly but at this point in my life I don’t want too.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Welcome Mommy To Two Boys =-.
Tay says
Well Tiya, I’m probably older than most of your readers (54) and am a newlywed. I don’t find marriage boring at all! I’ve already done all the single girl friend stuff and trust me, that runs out! We both work different shifts and the time we do spend together is so precious. Most of the time we’re cuddled up watching an old black and white movie, but some suggestions are walking downtown on a summer evening, a dinner cruise, or on occasion just a weekend getaway at a local hotel. Ameristar Hotel and Casino in Indiana, very nice rooms and Hyatt in Orland Park. Enjoy each other whatever you’re doing!
Sun Diva says
Hubby and I was just talking about this. Last month, we wanted to have couples night out and do some bowling, but close friends of ours who have a infant wouldn’t have been able to hang because of the baby, so we had “Couples Wii Bowling Night” at the house. Lord, did we have fun! It was not only really good to further strengthing our marriage bond by doing fun things together, but the friendship bonds that we have with the other couples were also strengthened. We’ve also planned to see TP’s “Why did I Get Married Too” this weekend for our “Couple’s Day Out at the Movies”. We’re catching the matinee on Sunday, then walking around the outdoor mall in our area.
Sun Diva says
*strengthen (sorry for the typo)
Emperess Nisha says
@Tiffany, pour that wine all over you & tell hubby to lick it off! TRUST me, that will be the best picnic you ever eva eva eva have! Enjoy your hubbs before the kiddies come. Do all the crazy nasty stuff now because when babies can’t make all that noise!!! lol
Emperess Nisha says
I don’t think marriage is boring. Because I am married I been way more adventurous because I know the “hubs” has my back. I do new things with him so that we can have the experience together. Being that he is retired military, he won’t jump out of a plane again (darn it)! I was pretty wild & much of Dora the Explorer before, but I noticed that most men weren’t up to traveling to some exotic land if they didn’t think there was going to be a lot of sex involved. Yeah, I said it!
When single, the hunt is about captivating. When married, the capture is about maintaining.
Harriet says
GREAT points on both of your comments, Nisha! ^5!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Tiya says
Alright now Nisha, love it!
Emperess Nisha says
Thanx Ladies Harriet & Tiya!! This marriage ain’t hardly boring!! Sun Diva, that’s soooo great. When I try to get couples together here in MI, its so much jealousy & competition & chaos, I just say forget it!!!! I do the couples get together in a spirit of love, celebration, & respect of family. There is so much insecurity of black women “I don’t want them looking at my man” or “She smiling too hard at him” that we can not be free to just enjoy the spirit of togetherness. I just love seeing my brothers & sisters loving, laughing, & living this life in victory!
Edward says
Great topic and suggestions. I go through a season from September to May where I am slammed and it gets hard for my wife and I to spend quality time. Inevitably these months get a little “touchy” around the house simply because we just find it so difficult to sow any time into our marriage. After a few years of this cycle I kind of realized what was going on. So now we have a talk right before the busy season and over the years we have learned to take daily vacations to Starbucks and Panera if only for a few minutes – it helps us to find balance in an unbalanced season. It also makes the down season that much more precious. I have also found that by just talking openly and saying, “Look this is where I am right now, it wont last forever but for the moment this is what is going on.” helps tremendously.
Emperess Nisha says
Edward, smart man that realized peace is not just a word. So glad you figured out how to keep the peace and your stuff!! I wish more men would take time to think a problem through instead of just having the “I the man & what I say goes” attitude.
Tiya says
Edward, that type of communication is really key to keeping your marriage on track. More couples really need to adopt that type of check-in, where we are communicating where we are and also what we need. Great comment!
Anonymous says
Marriage can become boring and routine if you don’t do things to keep it vibrant and alive. I suggest date night at least once a week. Go to your spouses favorite place and wow them each week. Sing their favorite song so loudly that everyone hears you and tell them you love them at the end. It’ll bring laughter as well as sentiment to the evening. I’m sure the spouse will look forward to next weeks date night with you.
-Ayanna
http://www.ablackwebdesign.com
Tiya says
Ayanna, that is a wonderful suggestion, thanks for adding that. I can see my husband blushing too, which makes it even more fun.
Bored to tears says
So what do you do when your husband isn’t the “exciting, romantic, emotion showing” type? We’ve NEVER been on a vacation together. We’ve been married for three years. He’s forgotten our anniversary all three times, and even my birthday last year. Each met with a 10 pm stuffed animal from walmart or CVS and a card.
He has done exactly ONE romantic thing since we’ve been married and he didn’t follow it through. He ran me a bath and put rose petals in it with champagne glasses lining the tub with teacup candles in them. It was SO pretty and could have been a great night, except he didn’t bother to tell me he ran it. He didn’t join me or even come near me while I sat in it, we didn’t get together that evening because there was no foreplay or anything that would lead up to either of us getting worked up for it. It was just another day of me homeschooling, cooking, cleaning after everyone, taking my bath and going to bed.
We don’t have one picture together, just us two, where he’s smiling. He has this constant need to have this tough exterior. Letting me know he wants me or needs me is apparently a “soft” thing to do, so he doesn’t. His affection seems forced, not in the sense that he doesn’t want to hug or cuddle, but like it doesn’t come naturally and it just feels awkward. I just don’t know how much more of it I can take (or do without) without wanting to be elsewhere. Heart aching and bored to tears. Any advice?
Emperess Nisha says
Bored to Tears,
Are you ready to hear his truth? When you said “I do” you said yes to it all. Good, bad, & down right awful. Some men really don’t know HOW to be romantic for you let alone truly know your definition of romance. If he is this tough guy, ask God to soften his heart so that the love, compassion, & tenderness can freely flow to enhance the romantic bond in the marriage. Ask God to remove the hubs worldly definition of love and replace it God’s definition of love. Meditate with I Corinthians 13, the whole chapter. Ask, believe, & expect this blessing. If your spiritual love cup is overflowing, you won’t be discouraged about the few drops you get from the hubs in the beginning of this process. Also read Steve Harvey’s book.
The next step is to ASK him what is something romantic that he would like you to do for him. If he ask why tell him that you want to make him happy & spice things up. Don’t balk at his ideas or suggestions; do it. He needs the assurance & safety of knowing his feelings are valid. Don’t go into the “I feel like I need more intimacy”, men don’t respond to that, they are visual, show him how to be intimate.
Next step is to plan romantic things for you to. After being super mommie all day, you have to come to him super sexy diva. Ask him to participate with putting dishes away or putting kids to bed so you can slip off & can decompress from mommie mode to hottie. You need a lot of lingerie, just be naked! Yes, this sounds archaic but this is want all men want. Lady, great mother, & supa freak. Ask fam & friends to keep kids, dogs, cats, etc for a day or two so that you can reconnect. Don’t force romance, don’t talk, don’t whine, just be. Get his favorite food, beer, movie, & relax. You want him to feel the love eminating from you. What man can resist that?
Yeah, its a lot to do but you said “I do”. We do all these crazy things for a wedding so why not do it to stay married?
Ruby Griffin says
@Bored to Tears
But why ,are you dwelling on him so much to put exciting in your life, what happen to loving yourself,how do you suppose for him to love you as much,when you care less for yourself…first of all,put god in head of your life,and then rediscover,who you are?when you’re not at peace,with your inner self,it going to be hard,to focus on your marriage of what you want out of it…fix yourself up,like you going somewhere, but you not… go to your girlfriend or your mom houses,let him miss you sometimes,if you go to the same place,all the time,change your direction,let him come down that trail looking for you sometime…stop!blowing up his cell phone,then he wander,what wrong,cause you doing something different…a men don’t like a women do the same thing everyday,,,give your husband a reason to think about you sometimes,don’t just sat around and wait on him to spice up you’ll marriage,do your part in the romantic stage…it’s alright for you to light the flames sometimes….
Tiya says
@ Bored to Tears,
I do suggest that you tell (and show like Nisha mentioned) what you like and what you need from him. Some men really don’t know unless they are told. With the bath and candles and wine, I’m wondering if your hubby was thinking that was the foreplay. He probably thought you would hop out of that tub and hop on top of him, you know what I mean. It’s okay for women to take the initiative in the bedroom, that may help your husband come out of his shell a little bit more. As far as the vacations and photos, maybe you could start taking the initiative in that department too. Start by booking a little weekend getaway first and see how he feels about that, and move on up to the big vacations. Not trying to be funny when I say this, but he may be thinking the same thing about you that you are thinking about him (my wife isnt the “exciting, romantic, emotion showing†type? ) So you want to make sure you show him that side of you and often. Just a thought.
Emperess Nisha says
Correction, I meant “You DON’T need a lot of lingerie, just get naked”. We are women. Use what ya got to get what ya want!! lol
Texas Mom says
My husband and I are going on two years of being married. We have 4 children and we didn’t realize how easy it is to slip into a routine and forget about quality time with eachother. We just had this conversation a few nights ago and agreed to make Friday nights our “date” night. And thanks to these ideas we can do more with eachother than just one night. Our main problem is we work different shifts he works days and I work nights, but we have to put forth more effort to “romance ” eachother again.
Miranda says
I also try to do things we have been talking about going out to a club all week well when I got out of fixing my hair he was snoring on the sofa I was so mad, but he didn’t care of course the next morning he turned it around on me and said I didn’t understand he was tired, but the thing is people he is always tired we don’t do anything fun at all but go to the movies, Ive tried everything but he has an excuse for everything I feel I’m in a small box and can’t breathe while the world turns and he sits on the sofa drinking beer……