by Aja Dorsey Jackson
My parents divorced when I was a child. Outside of my grandparents and aunt and uncle I rarely saw married couples when I was growing up. My mother was a single parent and so were most of her friends. Most of my close friends came from single parent households as well so for me seeing an intact family was rare.
I attribute part of the success of the relationship with my husband to the fact that he grew up in a two-parent household and was able to see marriage on a daily basis. For instance, initially, every argument we had to me was devastating. I had never actually seen a couple argue and then work it out. I saw my parents argue, but they got divorced. I felt like arguing meant that something was horribly wrong with our relationship and if we didn’t fix it right away it would spell the end. My husband’s attitude toward arguments was far more nonchalant. He saw his parents argue and move past it so he was able to accept the occasional argument as a normal part of marriage.
I realized that I had to find real-life examples of marriage in order to help me to become a better wife. While I know that no two marriages are the same and you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors, it is also extremely hard to try to create something that you have never seen done successfully. I started to pay more attention to some of the things that were common to the couples around me that were making it work:
My grandparents: Whether my grandmother is making my grandfather’s favorite breakfast juice drink or my grandfather is telling a joke to make my grandmother laugh, they both always seem to do what they know will make the other one happy. Through this I have learned to be more attentive to my husband’s needs.
My aunt and uncle: My aunt and uncle went through a difficult time early on in their marriage but were able to get through it and are stronger than ever after five kids and 20 years of marriage. It shows me that if you hold on through the hard times you can make it through and come out stronger.
My other aunt and uncle: They are always doing things together whether it is taking a trip or playing tennis. By watching them I have learned that it’s important to stay close by always keeping the fun going in your marriage.
My in-laws: No matter what, they always seem to be there supporting one another. It has taught me to always be there to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on.
Do you think it is important to have marriage examples? Who do you look up to?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
These are all excellent points. Most people probably look at their examples and think they have nothing to learn from the dysfunctional and broken couples they know. Even if you don't have many good examples of a healthy relationship, you can always learn what NOT to do.
We think because we are predisposed to the negative, that is how we will react when in a similar situation. And there is some truth to that, we will tend to gravitate in those directions. They key is knowing that we are going that direction and stopping before we get there.
It is so important to have marriage examples, and this is not to say that if you didn't that your relationship will crash and burn though. If you've never seen it done how do you know what it looks like? My parents were married well before they began to have children and are still together nearly 40 yrs later, my father's parents were together, my mother's foster parents were together, and my father's siblings were married my entire life…this afforded me the opportunity to see successful marriages in real life and not just the fictious Huxtables or Evans on tv. While my husband's parents were separated during infancy, he watched the crash and burn of his aunt and all of his uncles marriages and remarriages, and his grandparents were the only married couple he was around regularly and they weren't happy. Our different upbringings taught us each something…I knew that an argument was not the end all of a relationship while he saw an argument as what happens before you pack your bags. Because of this we have to work a little harder when it does get to that point because he thinks it's the end…no honey, we need to talk this out so that we can be that married couple that is looked up to in the future and not just one of the many failed relationships that the youth see. I was actually told by his children's mother that I must put up with a lot more than she ever could, implying that I am a doormat, no I just know that it gets greater later. I stuck it out through unemployment, illness, legal issues because of his children…most of this is talked about in the marriage vows.
It's always important to have marriage examples. A couple at our church were our marriage mentors and now we try to mentor younger married couples.
I married young, so at the start of my marriage I looked to other married men for guidance and mentoring. The two examples of my mentors came in the form of two of my uncles. One uncle was from my family and one uncle from my queens family. I chose to have these men as examples because they were no more than fifteen years old than me. Both of my uncles lived what I thought and what looked to the outside world, lives or marriages that I desired. My uncle, who was on his second marriage, was in an unhealthy marriage relationship. As a young couple looking for examples on how to communicate all I saw from my uncles marriage was what I did not want in my marriage. Their household offered a tense environment and more often than not, surface conversation. No touching, no loving, no real interactions between each other. Whenever I would leave their home I would think if this is marriage I may have made a mistake. Then I would go over to my wifes uncles house, which by the way became our second home and example, once there we found a household filled with love. A marriage where outward examples of love flowed, and where a healthy environment generated a place where you wanted to be at and felt free to stay there forever. This healthy example of marriage came to be the one that I looked to as an example. My marriage, life and home I pray are becoming a reflection of this same example that we received. I am one that proudly and loudly declares that marriage is a good thing, a healthy thing, and a sexy thing that adds value to my life. I make this declaration to all; your marriage can be good, healthy, and sexy with value added. It will take work and you must commit to all of your vows. You will need to follow good examples and trust them for guidance and over time hopefully your marriage will be a shinning example as well.
Excellent Article Aja! Thank you for sharing…..
Marriage examples are very much needed, my husband and I will celebrate 19 years of marriage this Fall. My parents will celebrate 49 years of marriage latr this year and his parents were married more than 30 years before his dad's passing. We have a pattern in our family of marriages who have stood the test of time and have made it. Not all of them do, we have relatives who have been divorced after barely one year and some that divorce after many years. The glue that holds us together is our commitment to God and the covenant we made before him. We have had our share of arguements just like everyone else but in the end we love each other more than being right. Sometimes we just have to let it go. Marriage is a wonderful blessing and I am so happy that out of all the women in the world, my husband chose me. I didn't talk like this the first few years of our marriage but now that we have a history together and have a few challenges conquered under our belts I know how blessed I am and I know how blessed he is because he tells me daily. Stand strong on the word of God and you will be able to stand against anything.
I’m glad you have a great relationship. My husband stands strong on the word of God, very strong because he is also a pastor. But living in this world we must have different relationships. Those relationships require work, we can’t use God as an excuse to slack off on our responsibilities. You say sometimes you should have to let it go. But there comes a point when you find yourself letting everything go. Where are you as a person? Do you become a doormat? I’ve let things go and after 17 years, the relationship in basically surviving because of the kids, 11,9 and 5.
My parents divorced also. I had my best friend's parents to look up to. I had my grandparents. Ironically though, the best example was my mom. She got remarried when I was 25 years old, and I've had an upfront seat to watch how she's handled lots of things. I've learned a lot from her, and it's helping me now as a newlywed.
I come from a single parent home & upbringing… I am my husband's second wife and he suggested we do the whole pre-marital counseling thing, cause he didn't do it in his first marriage.. The things we learned in our counseling sessions are often incorporated into our daily living… Although my aunt is currently single and was married twice, her 1st husband was a minister… I often seek her on various issues that arise in my household and her advice has had a significant impact on my actions on learning to be a better wife! She never sugercoats anything with me and constantly encourage me to do the right thing.. I luv her so much & plan to have her stand by my side when my husband & I renew our wedding vows!
There was an article/ blog a few months ago on BMWK about Lady Obama and it compared her to Clair (sorry if I spelled it wrong…lol) Huxtable on “The Cosby Show”! I'm a minister of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ and the article hit home because not only are we lacking positive christian marriages in everyday life, we rarely see them on TV anymore either. Well I remember growing up and sitting “dreaming” of having a “Cosby Show” life style. I'm so tired of hearing about Kim Kardishian and her next boyfriend or Rihanna and her latest stunt or lack of outfit. Lawrence Taylor and his addictions or even Divorce Court. It has gotten bad not only in real life marriages but TV “marriages” also are suffering. I've been married 5 years and yes it is a struggle because we have no one to model our selves after.
Family and marriage is the most important relationship that has a direct impact on society today! We see that with out these structured and healthy relationships it will directly affect our next generation on what, how and when they will handle their own relationships! Marriage to me not only means committment but keeping a vow made before the Lord almighty! My personal goals in my own marriage and family are:
1. Keep God first in your relationship to your spouse
2. Have a consistent prayer life alone/w spouse, a family that prays together stays together
3. Make sure to have boundries/personal convictions regarding what is talked about, shared or revealed out side of your marriage.
4. Model moral behavior in front of your child(ren, they're our first judgers of the impact a relationship can have on an individual.
5. Spend time! Spend time! Spend time! To often people not only marry for wrong motives, they actually live sparated even though they physically live in the same house together. You must keep eachother first…even before the children!
Remember God made Adam and Eve first then the children were concieved! Cultivate your relationship through godly principles and watch the benefits and rewards that you see in years to come!
Do you think it is important to have marriage examples? Who do you look up to?
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Yes! I absolutely think its necessary. I look up to my parents. My parents have been married for about 30 years I believe. I grew up watching them celebrate their love for one another, date each other, and support each others goals. I also watched them argue, and work through problems. Ive seen them take breaks and even separate. My siblings and I saw it all. I also watched my mom do everything from stay home, to open up her own real estate business to working for corporations. I saw that my parents had what they call their circle of influence. Our family wasnt perfect. Their marriage wasnt perfect. But I do believe in my mind when I look at the family I created I see a reflection of them…
Peace
I think having an older more experienced couples are essential . I say that because I’ve been married for 17 years, I never had one. My husband and I are just living under one roof at this point for the children’s sake. We don’t communicate. I used to go to a church where there were a lot of married folks. But you only saw these people on Sunday and get some get togethers. All of them were very rigid about showing any affection or feelings. When I used to speak to the women about the problem I was having, They always spoke at me instead of to me. They acted like their marriages never had and never will have any problems. discussions or arguments. Unfortunately, I have to say we never had any positive role models.