A little over a month ago, I opened my life up to the readers and informed them that my husband and I were moving out of our townhouse together and moving back to our respective families: hubby back to his parents and me back to my grandparents. A lot of readers were very upset, insisting that we should live together no matter the circumstances. I heard everyone loud and clear, and further discussed it with my husband, but we concluded that we were going to continue to go through with it.
We are now a little more than a month in to our new living arrangement. It’s been hard, do you hear me? It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Even with only being a little more than 3 miles apart, once you live with someone for almost 2 years, and you establish a covenant and a life together, not being able to be with them every day and every night it’s a real test of your relationship. I know some couples out there feel me, especially military families. However, because our circumstances are much different, the difficulty is different as well.
My father-in-law has insisted that our dog (who lives with me) is not welcomed at their home, so that has made it difficult for me because I don’t like to leave him with my grandparents. My grandparents (mainly my grandma) isn’t big on my dog either, so that has caused a lot of tension. She’s even gone as far as telling my mom that I love my dog more than my husband, amongst other constant negative statements. My mother-in-law can’t understand our living arrangement, and even told my sister-in-law that she hopes this situation does not make our marriage grow stronger.
As for my husband and I, we’ve been doing our best to make the best out of this situation. We try to see each other at least 5 days out of the week. Juggling school with other obligations, we still put our marriage first. We’re in constant communication, and we’ve decided I would spend the night at least 2 nights out the week. We’re using this as time to sort of date again, even if it’s just grabbing a bite to eat with each other. Intimacy, obviously, has drastically dropped since we don’t have our own space, but when we do have the means, we will try to make it a point to schedule some time alone as husband and wife.
This has been a true test of my faith and the strength of our love for each other. It hasn’t been easy at all, but I’m doing my best to see it as a learning experience and a blessing in disguise. This time apart has forced me to really evaluate myself as a person and as a wife. I was so focused on being the best wife I could be that I allowed parts of myself to become lost in my husband. I now have the time to focus on my interests and my health, things I had put on the backburner. I also have finally got my husband to read the 5 Love Languages, something I’ve been begging him to do since we first got married.
Our one year marriage anniversary is coming up next month, and I’m so proud to say that despite our unfortunate circumstances in our first year of marriage, we’re still standing. We will make it through this, and whatever else comes our way.
I am so glad you guys are making it work!!! you will look back on this and testify to another couple one day about how you guys made it through!!!
May God continue to bless your marriage
Thank you Tanya! I believe so too. We’re going to keep working hard on this because it’s important to us to still stand.
So it sounds like your in-laws and Grandmom want the two of you to be living together. Is the dog one of the main reasons why you’re not together now? Just curious.
The dog is one reason but definitely not the only reason. We’ve looked to find him (the dog) a new home and even then, things weren’t coming together.
Thanks for the clarity.
I definitely can relate… great article!
Thank you Lady Gomez!
My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for 6 months, before we were married, so I can relate to how stressful it is. It was so difficult, he proposed to me 6 months later and moved me to where he was. This is only temporary and you’ll make it through this tough time.
It’s very stressful and difficult, but just like you said, it’s only temporary! Thanks Andriea!
Get rid of the dog if that’s what’s preventing you from living with your husband! To a degree this kinda reads like two people who realized they weren’t ready for marriage….
Unfortunately it’s not just the dog. It’s our families mostly. There’s a lot going on at each household that will force one of us to be very uncomfortable, and we decided it’s not worth it for one of us to be more stressed out and uncomfortable for the sake of just living in the same house. We were ready for marriage, but we didn’t anticipate this hardship this soon. We’ll rise above it!
Briana,
I applaud you and your husband for doing what makes sense FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Every relationship is different and if your situation warrants you receiving mail at different addresses until your circumstance changes then so be it. As long as you are both fully committed to the marriage and working on one accord to create a healthy marriage you should be fine. My husband and I have had to live apart on 3 different occasions during the past 16 years due to job transfers and school. We are Marriage Enrichment Coaches today and our relationship is strong and healthy. Not every marriage will follow the same pattern. Believe in the choices that you make for yourself. Best wishes!
I don’t think it’s about comparing love. But it is about priorities. But one thing I have learned is the Law of Priority in a marriage.
As I understand it from my study of marriage and hearing from marriage counselors, this is what the list of priorities should look like: 1. God, 2. Your Marriage, 3. Kids, 4. Other Family, 5. Church, 6. Work…and so on. Did you catch that? Your marriage comes EVEN BEFORE YOUR KIDS. And the dog isnt even a kid.
I feel like I can relate to you a little, in that I’ve been married now for about 9 months. And my husband and I both owned dogs for 7 years before we got married, so I also understand the love you feel for your animal. I’m no expert, but I’m learning. And I try to be as open as I can to wisdom, even if it hurts. That’s why I feel compelled to write all this to you, even though I don’t know you.
Marriage and lasting love are often built on sacrifice. That is how love is tested, proven, and strengthened. Ultmately of course this is your decision, and no one can force your hand. But it seems now that LIFE is forcing your hand. Sometimes the one thing you think you can’t give up is exactly the thing you will be required to sacrifice. If not sacrificing that thing is causing harm to the marriage, then I say to you – in love – consider giving it up. You have to. For your marriage, you will have to be willing to sacrifice this and much more. And it’s not about a choice between your husband and your dog, per se. Framing it that way is a cop-out, to keep you from facing this decision head on. It is a choice to get rid of whatever is keeping you and your husband from being close, from growing together, from doing LIFE together. Because you KNOW that your marriage needs that. Now, in this beginning stage, more than ever. He’s not going to tell you to get rid of the dog. Possibly because he doesn’t want to know how you would respond to that request. Imagine how your husband would feel to hear that you came to that decision on your own, because you chose your marriage. But YOU should make this very hard decision. Not choosing between him and the dog, but choosing to put this covenant relationship FIRST.
I love your response Nicole. Yes, my marriage should come before everyone / everything except God. I feel like I’m trying to do that, although I admit sometimes those priorities get out of whack. I know a lot of people believe the dog is the only reason but he’s not. We’ve considered and tried finding him another home, and it didn’t change much. The fact of the matter still remains it’s our families and our situation. We don’t have jobs, we don’t have a big say in what happens, and like you said, life is forcing our hand. We’re constantly talking about how this is going, and never just sticking to this decision. As soon as we decide we have outgrown this and we’re ready to move on, we certainly will. Please continue to pray for us. I appreciate it.
I’m in awe right now after reading this because in a week or so my wife & I will be in the same situation. I know its gonna be difficult but sometimes we have to make difficult decision to make our relationships better. Your situation sounds so much like mine, I can recall hearing my wife say the same words in this passage “we need to date again”. Its great to hear that you all are still standing even apart because you have giving me strength to go forward even though I dont want to be apart from my family. God bless you guys and keep pushing forward.
What is the reason for your husband and yourself living apart? I have been married for 24 years and due to job constraints my husband and I live 2 states away but I come home every other weekend and holidays and he does the same, no matter what it is you two are young and you have to make it work and your living in the same city as well. pray on it is all I can say.
My husband accepted a job in Louisiana and we (2 little girls) are in Fl. We hate it! He was gone for 6 weeks and home for a week. The girls and I are waiting for school to end so we can be a family again. This summer we will celebrate 10 years of marriage and 17 years of friendship. A new marriage is the time when you all need to be close (if possible) I’m more concerned about the he say/she say from family members, that can really have a negative impact on a young marriage. Pray and work towards getting back together as soon as you all can. Good Luck.
i missed the reason for you two not living together. what is it?
A few thoughts from someone who has been in a relationship for 12 years, married for almost 9 and yet only lived together for one full year (and that was last year). Intimacy is not dictated by proximity! My husband’s former job meant he was in Europe for roughly 9 months a year, and his current job is 4-5 states away. It IS hard, but you can do it, and make it work. We are closer than many couples who sleep in the same house every night. We talk every day, and we really talk, not just hand me the lunch bags, did you pack a snack, you didn’t put the toilet seat down etc… (we have 2 children who have been Skype masters since they were 4). Its been part of the plan, and actually the end is, while still away off, in sight and we are working our plan. Now to be fair, he was doing this job when we met, so in a way, its our normal, and we haven’t had to adjust from always being together. But I just wanted to offer you some encouragement that your marriage is within you, not created by sharing walls. Good luck, and tune out the naysayers. Your marriage is your marriage, and what works for you and your husband is all that matters.
Wendy well said. I stand in agreement with you. I have been married for almost 11 years and we have been friends for 14. We have 4 children and for the last three years hubby has been between Iraq and Afghanistan. At one point I was in Korea and he was in Iraq. All I can say is communication is the key and you are right the decision you both make as a couple is what matters. All advice ain’t good advice.
Briana,
I will be keeping you and your husband in prayer. GODs word says all things work for good to those who love GOD and are called according to his purpose. Seek him, and listen to what he has to say regarding your marriage and situation. I will pray that GOD strengthens your marriage so that you both know what is pleasing to him and how to combat these challenges together. Your financial situation will improve and you both are going to be blessed beyond measure. The good thing is you both are communicating. Communication is imperative in making a marriage work. Trust me your trials shall be your testimony. Stay blessed and look up!
I completely understand. I’m doing something similar. There is nothing wrong with it.
I am living apart from my husband in separate countries and we are coming up on our 1 year anniversary. It is a daily struggle. Most of our relationship have been long distance. I feel like we are living separate lives. When we finally tied the knot last year I hoped we would fnally begin building our life together in the same country. Only to have USCIS is keeping us apart. I have no judgement. Although, I get judgement each day from friends and coworkers with comments/questions of “I don’t know how you do it? or how does that work?” So I usually opt to keep the struggle to myself. Prayfully, the waiting will come to an end in the near future. I pray that whatever, issues that are causing you and your husband to live apart will eventually end as well.
Hi, Briana
Thanks for writing this and inviting the exchange that follows. I wanted to ask about the statement “… we don’t have a big say in what happens, and like you said, life is forcing our hand.” Do you have examples or evidence in your life where you have seen that your choices determine what is happening in your life? Thanks.
Brianna, I won’t judge you or the decision you both have made. I pray that God restores the jobs and bring this union back together. The Bible says man was not created to live alone and marriage is favored by God. May God continue to watch over you and protect you during this tough times. I look forward to the update of your reunion.
Ignore the naysayers. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
After 31 years of marriage and numerous friends who have made your decision, I would counsel you (not that you are asking) to not do this. What do you accomplish from living apart. Read Sacred Marriage and realize that being married is not about being happy but about how to glorify God.
I don’t get it. If it’s financial, get rid of the dog and move in with family (together). I also don’t understand all these comments from people saying their spouse lives in another state or country. Surely the companies they work for would allow them to move the entire family and if not, that’s when you decline the offer. People can do what they want but if you get married and then less than a year in are saying things like, “we’re learning to date again” that just means you should have kept dating and not gotten married. Just my opinion, but 20, unemployed and still in school wasn’t the best situation in life to add a marriage to. Nonetheless, best of luck.
I agree. Even if you both were working before marriage and loss the jobs afterwards, I don’t see why you are living separately. Maybe you guys should have waited until your lives were more stable. What’s the rush?
Also, There is no way I would choose a dog over my husband. That should not be part of the reason you are not living together. This all sounds like immaturity to me. I pray that your friendship and love is strong enough to withstand the tests and tricks of the enemy.
Brianna, I too am about to join you and your husband. I an not version what your situation is, but I know I tried to be th best wife and loyal friend. I
Believe I too lost myself to my husband. Therefore,I am defusing to move back home to my family and pray the distance will determine our future. I pray you reach your truth as I am searching for mines.
Just remember your vows, if you truely love each other you can overcome this uinfortunate situation. I’m ggetting ready to celebrate my 18th wedding anniversary, and my husband and I have lived apart for the last 16 months. We’ve lost our house a lot of our belongings and my husbands health. But we are going strong as a couple. We make time for each other, and we don’t make major decisions without talking to each other first. Its hard but we will survive, and you will too!
I believe a lot of responders did not read the initial article about why you all moved apart from each other. If I recall, y’all only moved apart from each other for financial reasons after both of y’all lost your job. I think a lot of people think y’all moved apart for other reasons. The writer never said that they were looking to divorce or anything. But both of them needed to go to their respective homes because of the financial problems – even those though can kill a marriage too. I’ve been married for 12 years and five children and we’ve had some unbelievable financial problems – including evictions. Luckily, my mother allowed both of us to live with her until we got it straightened out. I actually think you will remember how much you love your husband because of the separation. Hopefully, he’ll feel the same way. Praying that both of you find employment and can move back in together soon. I’m sure everything will work out for you guys :).
First of all, the readers thought the split was about the dog because the article said that it was about the dog. But no matter how tough life gets…living apart is NEVER the answer unless you want a divorce. Relationships should move forward…not backward. I would sleep in my car with my husband before we lived apart. We would work for minimum wage before we live apart. We would live in a hotel room before we live apart. Get my drift???
Amen.
Be encouraged and use this time wisely. Just like family members others will have many negative things to say. The reality is that living under the sme roof does not constitutute commitment and dedication to a marriage. Most of us may know a couple who stayed legally married for many years but commited to each other for very few. I say keep God in the midst, ignore the naysayers, focus on your lives together and it will come together, the way God intended it to.
I am so inspired and thank you for being brave and fearless enough to share such an intimate and huge part of your life. When you share with others your story, you give the gift of knowledge and we as black people sometimes get too caught up in “not having people all up in our business”. Thank you for your sharing and God Bless you and your husband!
Let me start with before my husband and I wedded, we both agreed that we were not going to live together until we were officially MARRIED. Therefore, we decided to build a home from the ground up. To make a long story short, the building company kept extending the move-in date. It was supposed to be ready months before our wedding date, but it wasn’t. So, when my husband and I wedded, we were still both living at our parents house- I in my parent’s home and him in his. We didn’t want to move all of our things into one of our parents home, because we believed that “any day now” our home would be ready, and didn’t want to have 2 big moves back to back. Well, it turned out that our home was never “ready”. We ended up finding a new home 5 months later, so we lived apart for 5 months total!
It was horrible! We would spend time together after work till about 11pm at my mom’s house and then he would leave to go back to his parent’s house. I was pregnant by this time, and sleeping on the couch, as the house was already filled with residents. I ended up getting into arguments with my parents, and even threw my stuff into the back of our car and left one evening, staying in a hotel for a few nights just to get away! It was hard being a newlywed and newly pregnant and living apart…it was downright depressing! But we got through it. So, if this is what you have to do, do it. It will make your marriage that much stronger. Absence does make the heart grow fonder….just don’t stay apart for too long because you’ll get use to being apart. Stay strong!
Just wanted to start with saying I love your blog and I’ve been following your entries for a while now! We have some similiarites, I am 22 and my 3rd year marriage anniversary is this summer. I admire how you do what is best for YOUR marriage and you and your husband make it work. You two will get past this, and be able to look back on the situation as a growing point in your relationship. I think you’re right and the circumstances seem like a blessing in disguise. Tough times don’t last–tough couples do! I’m praying for you and your husband!
Myself and my fiancee plan to get married in December we have been dating for about 5 months and things happened so fast but naturally ( yes I can sense alarm bells by most readers ) and both feel comfortable. I have never envisaged marriage or even thought it was worthwhile so the whole thing is a shock for everyone and me but I am some one who does not make decisions likely and often got bored of past girl friends ( due to no fault of theirs ). But I am 100% sure she is the woman I want to marry.
My fear now is the separation after we get married. I plan to settle where she is based as it is our own country but I don’t plan to work there as my profession is a very niche area and also I plan to persue a few business interests there and more importantly before I met her itw as always my intention to move to her location. I have a house paid up fot 3 years we have discussed at length we living apart for a few years at the most. But I seem to worry so much about this..I hasten to add I am a worrier but usually I need to worry to get anything done. So I suppose oen may aks why stress about the future if both parties have talked about it at length…I am just thinking is it wise to live apart in the early months or years of a new marriage. I plan to spend two 3 month spells next year with her. I wonder am i getting too worked up.
@Briana Myricks
Well all I will say is both of you should just keep what you are doing adn it will pay off. I will say ignore the negative comments from people and your family. As my mother once told me YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE THE ONLY ONES TO SAFELY LAND OR CRASH YOUR MARRIAGE PLANE.
It will all work out in the end. God has a plan. Nice blog.
P.S. Forget the dog, sorry I am not an animal person. Your husband and kid(s) are the most important, cruel to say but it is the truth. Sacrifices are worth it in the end colllectively.
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My husband and I are about to do the same thing. It was my decision initially but then he came around and accepted it. truthfully, It’s you guys life and you only get one. From my perspective sometimes, life gets hectic and sometimes space is necessary to allow you to re-evaluate things and gain proper perspective. Everyone has different reasons for doing the things that they decide to do…However, in the end it all boils down that it will be you two standing so you have to do what’s best for you all. In my circumstance, things just got a little bit out of hand and not having the proper training to work through conflict has caused other issues that can really damage a marriage.I also find it hard not fulfilling your GOD given dreams and just being bombarded with the everyday struggles of life and just not having the support you need to move forward very difficult. I am a young mother of 5 and been married going on 5 years. We have faced many many struggles that has put a strain on the marriage and with the pressure that my husband has to face and the pressure I have to face and us not being able to handle that on top of other issues it’s best for us to live apart until we can make things better.
I wish that I had put my husband ahead of my family. I believe that husband and wife shud stay together if at all possible, I knw from personal experience what the devil can do if you arent careful,