A recent comment on the “Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage“ fan page on Facebook is the inspiration behind this writing. I am always eager to read the conversations that take place on the page. From the resources shared to the discussions on the articles posted here, those in relationships are never disappointed after a visit to the page. There is always great dialogue to make you appreciate love and marriage. I don’t comment often, but I am a frequent reader. This time I felt compelled to comment after a visitor posted the following comment:
“If there was a page on “A Positive Image of White Marriage” or Asian Marriage, or Mexican Marriage, or whatever…would you think it was a racial page? Let’s all unite and talk about Positive Marriage regardless of what race we are…makes it welcome everyone to gain some great knowledge…..just saying…
I felt the need to respond immediately with the following comment:
“If there weren’t very many positive images of those marriages, and the majority of the images we see of White, Asian or Mexican ethnic groups were as negative as what we have experienced, I wouldn’t have a problem with those pages. But, please understand our need for a page like this. It is not meant to exclude, but to actually uplift, inspire and motivate those who need it most. We are hurting and have had to overcome so many obstacles. Please allow us to celebrate this way.”
I often feel like our need to love on ourselves is often misunderstood. There is always the accusation that somehow we would cry foul if other groups displayed the same type of support for one another. I am always surprised that the concept of displaying healthy images to combat all of the negative ones that exist in our community isn’t more understood. It would seem as though others would want to join us in promoting this level of positivity.
Building us up doesn’t mean we’re ignoring anyone else. As a certified life and relationship coach, all marriages are important to me, but the present state of black marriage is in trouble and needs our immediate attention. The great thing about Blackandmarriedwithkids.com is, despite the title, the majority of the articles are universal and actually do apply to all marriages. If we simply spent time to understand the needs of one another, we wouldn’t be so quick to judge. Just saying.
BMWK, what are your thoughts on websites, blogs or Facebook fan pages geared toward African Americans?
I think you are right, and I also think there are many resources out there aimed at people from specific cultural contexts, they may not name it in the same way, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are addressing a specific audience (or consistently failing to represent and/or explore marriage from an African American perspective). It’s strange sometimes how people are so sensitive to resources specifically for African Americans.
Thanks for your comment Tina. I agree, those sites are worded that way, but typically don’t focus on our needs.
I love them…and I think they are needed. Your Facebook response did a great job of summing up the need. And as you pointed out, the content on BMWK is universal and can uplift marriages of all ethnic backgrounds. Great post Tiya!
Thanks Jackie!
The problem is that people fail to see black as more than a color. It’s also a culture and while there may not be properties that are named “white” (even though they evidently are) there are definitely properties that are defined by cultures. How many times have you seen Irish this, Italian that, or Jewish xyz.
Spot on, Lamar!
@ Lamar– I so agree with this, not just with Black and Married but with everything. I always hear “why is there a Black Entertainment Television” there’s no “White Entertainment Television.” Outside of the fact that White Entertainment Television is just called “television” few people question Spanish speaking television stations etc. because it’s widely accepted as a culture, same with European ethnic groups, Jews etc. For most African Americans, we don’t have a “nationality” to point to other than the one that was developed here, so we just sum it up with “Black.” Sorry to write a book, but I get mad when I see this criticism. It is just another place that as Blacks we have to continue to explain and defend who we are.
Well said Lamar!
AMEN….AMEN…AMEN TO ALL COMMENTS….
Thanks for writing this Tiya! Now every time we get a comment like this..we can address it with a link back to this article!
Thanks Ronnie!
I couldn’t have said it better.
GO TIYA!
Thanks Ericka!
Miss T thank you for your on point reply. We should not have to justify our decisions. I love Black and Married because I’m black and married. Please keep up the good work.
Thanks Patricia and I agree.
I totally agree how . The sister handles the criticism. Keep putting out the positively black image I myself who’s been married to a wonderful black women for 27 years help raise 5 children and we have 13 grandchildren .we are truly bless and happy on our marriage. :Black couple committed to each other for life.?
I love that fact that “we” have a positive example and some encouragement to fight for our marriages. Whenever “we” have ANYTHING geared towards. ” empoweri ng
Forgive my phone. Anything geared to empower us its a problem! I wish you could have given her the statistics about black marriages and the divorce rate, including single family homes. She can make her own website for her culture I and I am sure none of us would mine. We would applaud her efforts as well. Keep up the good work,
Terra Joy, Richards wife and Terrais-Joi mama
Naive people. The fact that more positive images of black anything in this country are needed is an understatement. I haven’t seen anything knocking anything other races are doing. The fact that their are 40million + black people in the states but only are respresented in specks in media outlets speaks for itself. So keep promoting positive images of black. Keep in mind we were considered to be less than human, savage like, sexual deviants, and soulless in this great country. That wasn’t long ago I might add.
I am a lily white guy who is all for B&MWK. I link to your articles often, and tweet some of them.
I’ve got friends who loved me enough to school me on the realities of being black in America, and of the condition of marriage in the black community. It makes me grieve over what individuals of my race have done in the past, and still do to this day on occasion. This is an awesome and important place.
BTW, a decade ago I’d have though, if not made, a comment like the one you got on facebook. The reason I don’t think it today, and know how wrong it is, is that someone took the time to get to know me and show me the truth. Thank you Bil, Tom, Richard, and others for serving me so that I could see reality.
Thanks Paul for your comment and perspective and we definitely appreciate the links you always provide to us 🙂
Honest and great comment. Thanks
I have known quite a few people who cringe at the term “black love” and i have never understood why discussing black marriages in a positive light always offends people?
I’m a white woman married to a white man, and we have a black son (through transracial adoption). I can’t tell you how much your website and FB page has helped inspire me to work on my marriage. We do not always come from the same perspectives, but I find that most of your advice has little to do specifically with race. I support BMWK and understand that the default for nearly any depiction of anything positive in our society is white. In my opinion, people who question positive groups associated with any minority and think they are somehow threatening to white people are … well, at best uninformed about white privilege and at worst flat-out racist and looking to cause trouble.
Thank you Jeani. I am happy to hear that your marriage is also inspired.
I’m black, gay, and married and, although your articles aren’t inclusive of my marriage, I’m very supportive of the types of marriages that are reflected.
Shaina, thank you for reading. I do hope that the articles will benefit and inspire your relationship as well.