There are many relationships where the woman doesn’t feel secure. I think there is an instinct in many women to want to feel secure, not only in the context of the relationship, but to feel secure in their livelihood with their spouse.
I have heard financial guru Dave Ramsey say that women have a “security gene” that men just don’t have—and I think there is some truth to that. Women need to feel the man is securing the household–financially, emotionally, psychologically and physically.
Head of Household is more than a way of filing a tax return; it’s a state of being. Solidifying and being the cornerstone of the home is what women would like to have in their husbands. It’s not necessarily about who brings home the most income. It’s about who can position themselves as the foundation of the relationship. There will be tough times and trials throughout a marriage, but if there is security and a foundation within that relationship, it makes it a lot easier to make it through those tough times.
In the context of our relationships, security has two parts—protecting and serving.
Protect
Dictionary.com says the definition of protect is to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss; cover or shield from injury or danger. If she perceives danger, right or wrong, she doesn’t feel protected. I italicized “right or wrong” because often men don’t get it. We don’t see the perceived danger. We don’t believe she’s right in her thinking.
Gentlemen, here’s the lesson in this article—it doesn’t matter what you think on this topic, you must make her feel protected. Many of us (men) live with the belief we know we can figure out a way to “make it happen” for us and our families as we go along. It may or may not be true, but the fact of the matter is, you want to keep your wife on your side. You want her to have your back and you want to keep her happy. She’s your wife; you love, honor and respect her, so you must do what is in her best interest. It’s always in her best interest (and yours) to make her feel protected.
Specifically:
• Keep a financial reserve. At least 3 to 6 months for an emergency fund.
• Be someone your wife can talk to when she needs someone to talk to.
• Sometimes, she simply needs a listening ear. Discern those moments; provide that ear without bias or opinion and she will appreciate you for it.
• Secure your home physically in as many ways as possible. Smoke detectors, carbon dioxide detectors, emergency shelters and reinforced doors and windows are some of the many ways to protect your home.
Also, be considerate about deciding where you want to live so your wife and family will feel safe. No neighborhood is 100% safe, but sometimes the best protection is just doing research and living in the safest area in which you both feel comfortable.
Finally, we want to be emotionally available to our wives. Being emotionally available is not being soft or less than a man.
Being emotionally available is being man enough to share our emotions with our wives.
Serve
I was sharing with my daughter there are two ways to lead. We can lead by our power and authority or we can lead by service. If you are serving your wife, you are also making her feel secure.
In my book, I mention there was a time I didn’t want to cut the lawn during one of my relationships. I also talk about how I figured it out and eventually got myself on the right track. I decided if I was going to make her happy, I was going to have to get with the program, so to speak. I had to learn to serve.
In the relationship I previously referenced, it was not that I was against being of service, it was simply that I had decided to serve where and when I wanted to. That’s not service, that’s selfish. Service often requires sacrifice. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice. I had to give up my selfishness and discover what “acts of service” are truly about.
The epitome of service is:
• Being willing to serve when you don’t want to
• Being willing to serve when you know you’ll have to sacrifice something to do so
It’s easy to do something when you have nothing to lose or there is no inconvenience for you.
Show your wife not only how much you love her, but how much you care for her by serving her when it’s not convenient.
Christ had all of the power this world will ever know, but He did not lead by power, He led by service. We should use his example to lead our households. Show your spouse how much you love them by protecting them and serving them with humility.
Patricia Norris-Wilson says
My husband is a “rather be right than happy” type of guy. Of course this drives me crazy! You info above is so on point. Praying daily that he will “see the light or the truth” so to speak. We are both born again believers and it really tires me out that as much as he knows God’s word he refuses to accept that he is in TOTAL violation of God’s plan for our marriage. Will keep praying and trusting God.
Jay says
Patricia,
I would offer that your husband’s knowledge is a fantastic foundation, but wisdom would be the application of that knowledge. Often, we get wisdom from being around others that can share their experiences. Consider a marriage class or group (if your husband is interested). Marriage groups shouldn’t be about fixing a relationship as much as they are about walking together and learning how to avoid pitfalls. They are fun ways of spending quality time together as well!
Julian says
This is a great post that makes some very important points. Thanks for sharing Jay!
Jay says
Thx, Julian!
mrs.j says
I often feel I have been same the same thing over and over, but he is more talk than action. It has almost become next to impossible to feel secure in this marriage of instability, but often I feel guilty bc I want out, his serving often only comes on the back side of me being fed up, feels like a manipulation… More confused than NOT. MARRIED ONLY 2 YRS
Nicole says
I can relate because I’m in the exact same boat as you.
Leigo says
What if you do almost all of the above and its never enough in her eyes, you are the one always giving and its never appreciated and at times you feel as if your ego is shattered. Yet you keep on doing it anyway.
mV says
Great article, I wish I could get my husband of almost 8yrs to read this.
I have to assume the male role which cause our union to be on the rocks. No sense of security in any regard at all
Jay says
Leigo, I think it’s important to continue doing these things. There is likely some underlying issue on your wife’s part that is the cause of her lack of appreciation. I suggest that you seek a good counselor in your area. Thanks for the comments!
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Anonymous says
Patricia boy oh boy Sounds 200% like my husband!
DRodmons says
So often then not, it appears most of the blogs are geared towards why women are unhappy or dissatisfied and what is required for the husband to make things right. Its a two way street, because of sin man have had to adjust accordingly, no excuse but just standing on the facts of life. We’re in this together to make what has become the abnormal just and loving. Sorry, but stop making men feel less or as if they must go through life setting the example. Move with the culture change
Jay says
DRodmans, I didn’t write the article with the intent to bash men or sell them short. My articles are written with the premise of reminding us where we can add value to our relationships or do something positive we may not have considered before. I can’t speak for everyone, but I want to be the example of leading by service in my home for my wife, in front of my children and in my community. I would offer that if “culture” changed more toward serving the needs of each other, both in relationships and life in general, less people would relate to the issues we address on this site. Thanks so much for your comments!
Camille Yoder says
I would like to comment that if your husband does not protect or serve you he will not get respect or love from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Couponee says
Man is the leader of the house. A lady has to face a lot of difficulties related to securities. Sometimes she cannot explains her griefs due to many reasons because she fears whether this may result in a break up of their relation. At this time, it is the responsibility of a husband to make feel her wife secure, to protect her from danger and serve her with love. This will help to run life smoothly. According to me, it is not only the duty of a man of the house to protect and serve. Both should be responsible for this to run family smoothly.