By Edward C. Lee
As I sit at my computer writing this, the hour is late. I have missed three different deadlines, my son won’t go to sleep and my wife wants to talk after we just spent a great weekend away at a bed and breakfast where I was forbidden from using my computer (life could be worse – smile).
It is under this reality of feeling pulled between family and professional responsibility that I am coming to understand a conversation I had with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. He is one of those deep brothers that makes your head hurt with big words that he uses at a rhythmic pace that makes it tough or at least painful to keep up with him – like Dr. Cornell West or Eric Dyson when they are in their flow. But one of the things that he said, that I actually understood, has stuck with me over the last few weeks. It was his use of the actual definition of a husband in explaining our responsibility as husbands.
I had never really thought much about what the dictionary definition of a husband is, and I am not so sure many of my male friends have either. Typically, in my every day conversation, I have just thought or referred to a husband as a man that is married to a woman. Which, when used as a noun, is pretty much on target. However, what my friend was reminding me of then, and I am finding profoundly practical at this moment, was that there is also a use of the word husband that is a verb.
In other words being a husband is more than just a title but it also requires specific actions. As the dictionary explains it, the word husband is the result of combining of the words “house” and “band.”
So by definition, even when I am tired, frustrated, unfulfilled or busy, my job is to band, bind and tie, the house together. So the pressing need to complete my business responsibilities is going to have to lose out momentarily to the needs of my wife and son, because right now my presence is needed to tie this family together.
A house-band, distinctly different from a man only labeled as a husband carries out three primary actions – by definition: Steward, Manager and Cultivator.
He acts as a steward. A husband acts out of a sense of responsibility to “take care of” or “oversee” the needs of his wife. It is a recognition of the need to be the one that holds the job of arranging the household structure in a way that leads to the betterment of his wife.
He acts as a manager. A husband does not dictate, nor seek to control. Rather he engages his wife in ways that get the best out of her. At times that is through silence, other times that is through compassion, but at all times a husband manages in patience and love. As I said in a previous posting, a husband and father must know the people that are under his care to effectively manage them.
He acts as a cultivator. A husband prepares his wife to develop into her fullest potential. By definition cultivating refers to breaking up the ground and preparing it to bring forth a crop. In my marriage I am not trying to produce corn or vegetables but as a husband I want to prepare and position my wife into all she is intended to be. I hear an offensive tone in there. But let me clarify, I am not saying in arrogance that I make my wife or deserve the credit for her accomplishments or strengths. I am, however, saying that just as she is striving to make me a better man, as a husband, I am concerned about her growth in every facet of life. As a cultivator I am redefining myself to be about making my wife’s life better and stronger, not weaker and emptier through the carrying out of my own ambitions and agendas without regard to the needs of my wife.
Understanding the three primary aspects of the definition of a house-band moves me away from a life focussed only on me and make me more concerned about taking care of, managing and cultivating the best of my wife. I suspect that most of us as husbands have thought about these things in general terms. But as I have been thinking in more concrete terms of my role as a husband I have seen areas where I have not lived up to the definition completely. So I am redefining, my actions toward my family so that I am not just a noun with a title but as a verb – a man of action for my wife and family.
How about you BMWK – as either a husband or wife, what is your definition of a husband?
Edward is an ordained minister, host of the blog elevateyourmarriage.com, and author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. Follow Edward on his blog or on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
Reggie Williams says
Call me crazy but I’ve always kind of relied on (artistically) the concept of a “Husbandman,” one whose purpose is husbandry(a farmer or cultivator). I grew up on a North Carolina farm.
I have relied on that because God gave Adam a garden and he was told to work it and take care of it. I like the Amplified bible’s version which says “tend and guard it and watch over it. This is all for the purpose of being fruitful and multiply. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden (a perfect garden) to care for it. While my wife ain’t perfect, she is a perfect garden for me.
So in that farmer theme I what to plant good seeds (my communication, my action, my reactions, my deeds and my thoughts). Subsequently I or we will harvest a plentiful and frutiful(sweet of taste, nurturing of spirit and plentiful of legacy). And even when the harvest goes a bit ary, as a husband I go in there and pull up the weeds and plant new seeds for a new harvest.
Love the post, but you know I just can’t help adding my off the wall perspectives.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com.
Vancea1971 says
Wow…wow…wow bro. Now THAT’S the REAL.definition of a husband or…”house-band” as you call it. I think I need to totally reinvent myself after reading that! I can truly say that I haven’t been all I be as a husband as well. I need to take me on a “Love your wife as Christ ” journey so I can realize my true potential as a husband. I too am a minister of the gospel and my wife Octavia and I oversee two ministries that The Lord gave us: Kingdom Project and Truly Faithful which is a.marriage ministry as well. Thank you so much for this blog. It is a fiery blessing that I will always have implanted within me. MAN…what a new outlook I have now…Blessings to your day..!
Anonymous says
Great comment. Isn’t it good to know that even when we fall short of the definition, God gives us an abundance of grace. Blessings on your ministry work!
TheMrs says
I am going to share this article with my husband!!! Sometimes in life we just write the story and skip the outline and miss some of the details that others will need to better interpret the message.
Endrellrucker says
As a newly wed who just got married August 2010, my whole understanding of husband has changed. Being a verb instead of noun! I think that principle alone will not only change the dynamics of my marriage, but every arena of my life as well.
mochazina says
I thought this was a great article, so I inboxed it to my ribDonor & asked for his thoughts… he didn’t bother replying, but instead reposted the link on his fb wall with this caption: “I really like and agree with this article. Read it guys. ALL Y’ALL.”
and there ya go. 🙂
jaspora says
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all husbands were moved by the definitions you described. A husband leads the household and holds an example for his family, brings out the beauty in his wife… keeps the lights on and the house “established.” I can tell you we all strive to uphold our roles in the relationship… those who try and keep God at the helm do better than others. Husband and wife should strive to bring the best out of each other and cherish the relationship. That is the most we owe to each other.
ChangaMusic says
Definitions are the key to happiness. They are flexible though, what it means for you is as important as what it means to the mate. Be clear in your ideas but be considerate of hers. Stay away from rigid, non-adabtable definitions that serve to create barriers. When an appearent impasse occurs break, go to your corners, table the discussion to another day and in the mean time, think honestly about where you could compromise and what you might need to in return. We could all stand to be better negotiators.
Amber says
I love this article. It has me thinking about what it means to be a wife and my role in how successful a “houseband” he is.
Da Minister says
Man praise God for the definition from the dictionary that was pretty deep. Thank God for friends with big words…lol! The only thing I would like to add is the love & relationship that a man must have with God to accomplish the “verb” meaning of being a husband.
amy jojo says
as a christian i once herd that the word husband comes from the word houseband,one who binds a house together,as all husbands should..When i was single and felt alone i confided in a christian sceince believer and she told me to say the biblical verse My Maker is my Husband the Lord of Hosts is His name.this gave me much comfort,and now that i am married it still comforts me