This is a follow-up to the popular BMWK classic: My Wife Is Not My Friend On Facebook
My wife and I are connected on Instagram, Pinterest, GetGlue and Twitter. My wife and I work out together, watch movies together and go on dates. After receiving “hate email” a few days ago, over the Facebook article I wrote here almost three years ago. I decided it was time to write a follow-up to what oddly enough, has become the single most popular thing I’ve ever written. Guess I gotta thank Facebook for this. I appreciate those of you who actually read the original article in full, from start to finish. Whether you agreed or disagreed, thank you for not jumping to conclusions about me or being emboldened by the Internet to attack me personally.
Privacy. What Privacy?
So the person who sent me the hate email accused me of wanting to sneak around on Facebook. To sneak around would suggest there is some level of privacy online. There is not. As someone who makes a living in social media, I know first-hand there is no such thing. Working as a social media analyst for a major corporation I utilized software that allowed me to access Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and YouTube accounts all over the globe. This tool isn’t able to access anyone’s personal information, but it can “hear” everything that is being said online. In other words once you put something on the Internet, it’s on the Internet. Short of private messages (maybe) or unless you are a tech-savvy hacker there is no sure-fire way to sneak around. The second you log on you leave “footprints” — cookies, IP addresses, data — everywhere. More and more Facebook is being used to capture criminals. Employers are monitoring employees’ personal activities, and savvy divorce attorneys will subpoena social media activity in a heartbeat as evidenced by every politician that has self-destructed before the world on the Internet. Companies spend fortunes collecting marketing data on you and I, data that we give away freely, thinking we’re just chatting online with friends. With privacy settings being more difficult to understand than Chinese take out menus in Chinese, think again if you believe you are operating in a secure environment. The best policy is to be wise and be smart with what you say and how you say it when communicating online.
Un-friending vs. Blocking
Where Facebook rises above all the other social media platforms out there is that it gives you the ability to truly Block someone. Unlike Twitter or any other place that allows you to block someone, but then not only can they still see you but they also know you blocked them, Facebook stands alone in its ability, to make you, and whomever you’re blocking disappear from each other as if you don’t exist. If you comment on the same threads and photos you simply don’t appear and Facebook doesn’t allow any 3rd party apps to “tell on you”, alerting people you’ve blocked that you’re on their not so nice list. If you get a link via email stating that you can, delete it because it’s spam and it’s a virus. Blocking is an excellent option to combat bullies, stalkers or people you never want to find you on Facebook (you can even block people who haven’t yet friended you). And herein lies my point. I DID NOT BLOCK my wife, nor did I change my status from “Married” to something ridiculous like, “It’s complicated.” I un-friended her. Anyone who blocks or changes their marital status, is truly trying to hide something or hates the person they live with. Most of the negative comments and most recently, hate email, I’ve received come from people who want to believe I blocked my wife. And that simply ain’t cool.
Shared Friends – Shared Eyes
Because my wife and I share a huge number of mutual friends, including relatives and in-laws we can see each others photos and comments, we can also comment with each other when mutual friends are involved. We also watch each other uploading all this stuff while sitting together on the couch in the living room and go over our teenage son’s Facebook page to make sure nothing crazy is going on there. How do you sneak around when you have the same friends and when those friends are checking in on you as well? Or you have a vocal sister-in-law who is quick to call-out any activity that looks suspect? Well, you might not have a vocal sister-in-law, but I do.
Trust
That article was never about trust. The subject was never mentioned in the article. But commenters immediately went on the attack of me and each other over the subject of trusting spouses on Facebook. Trust was what ignited my decision to un-friend my wife. But not mistrust, complete trust. My computer is always on and so was my Facebook account, which she accessed, repeatedly, when my back was turned, or I was asleep. I’d awake to statuses (stati?) that made me sound half, and sometimes completely crazy. She’s a natural comedian, so the first couple of times it was funny. But eventually it became an issue the more I asked that she respect my “space”, and the more she kept on having fun at my expense. Despite warnings from friends on FB to lock my account, I refused because I didn’t need to take such drastic measures in my own home against my wife. But coupled with a series of communications errors we had as a young married couple of only two years at the time, Facebook simply got in the way. Every marriage has it’s issues. I hope as you read this you don’t believe mine were worse than yours. They’re all growing pains that lead to long term love and happiness. So I did what any leader does from time to time; I made an extremely unpopular decision that I felt was for our greater good. In the short run, we talked about everything, laughed about everything, especially that article. And in the long run, we were better off because of it because it stopped the trend of us communicating with each other face to face on the computer.
3 Years Later
It is now almost three years since I wrote, My Wife IS NOT My Friend (on Facebook), while sitting on my living room couch while watching television. It’s been almost three years since I casually emailed the article to Lamar Tyler with the simple message, “Here you go.” It’s been almost 3 years since that fateful next day when he called me at noon to tell me the article had been viewed 1,000 times. If the article were published today, I’m sure that number would probably have been 100,000 based on how many people are online and use Facebook. Three years ago I had only been married for two, and despite all the years we had been together prior we were definitely going through our terrible twos. I can honestly look back and say, social media, Facebook specifically, was a distraction, not the destruction, in our lives. We were arguing about a lot that did matter. I didn’t believe we needed to add Facebook to the mix. I can clearly remember being called out of meetings at work thinking something was wrong with one of my kids only to be angrily told I needed to delete a Facebook status. I’ve watched 50 year-old relatives hash out their infidelities and divorce proceedings on Facebook — living up in the same space and hating each other online and letting everyone know it. Facebook? Seriously?
Reality. Could I have handled my situation differently and better? I will answer this question with a most-certain, “yes.” I’ll scream “Yes!” to the hilltops. I learned a year or so later from the dynamic duo, The Marriage Coaches, that short of infidelity and/or abuse, when things are beginning to go wrong in a marriage, rarely is only one spouse at fault or somehow more at fault than the other. Wrong is wrong. Period. And you want to steer as far away from wrong, together, in marriage. I didn’t write this to defend my actions in any way. Nor am I seeking approval from anyone I don’t know or isn’t helping to pay my bills. I am accountable to God, my family and the laws of the land. But after the hate email I recently got I felt compelled, now three years wiser, to share that Mark Zuckerberg’s life’s work should not under any circumstances be the balance upon which trust in a marriage is measured. Nowhere can I find Facebook in the Bible or the Qua-ran and I’m pretty sure they don’t read it’s Terms and Conditions at the Justice of the Peace down at City Hall. Kids can’t even spell anymore because they write and think in nonsensical, auto-corrected, abbreviated statements that fit perfectly into status boxes but don’t make sense anywhere else. Here’s the bottom line: Live life In Real Life. Yes, it’s nice to connect with friends hundreds of miles away or people with whom you lost touch with generations ago, but if your spouse is right in front of you, talk to them, laugh with them, reach out and hold them, love them and don’t let anything get in the way of that. Agree, or agree to disagree and move on — together.
Whatever negative feedback you got from the article a few Years ago, it don’t matter I love it.
Hi, I read both articles and some of the comments from the first one and have to s ay people jumps to the wrong conclusion without a course you never mentioned blocking just unfriending n secondly there was a reason behind your action am friends with my partner on fbk but we haven’t changed status(it’s no ones business) & we don’t comments on each other status or comments unless it’s necessary fbk shouldn’t play a major role inqny relationship
The people responding to you negatively are likely transferring their own personal messes and issues on to you. When I was on FB years ago I was friends for a hot second with my husband and found it aggravating, so I deleted him. I really don’t see the big deal. Do you.
honestly, I read both articles, I did’nt agree then and I still dont agree with your totally irrational justification to why your wife is not your facebook friend. you clearly are very intelligent so you are very good at pussy footing around the truth. your wife is not your facebook friend because you clearly have somethings to hide. she is really dumb if she fell for your reasoninng.
I actually read the article three years ago…I loved it, but it did make me question why husband and I were not Facebook friends? But pretty much the same thing…it was just facebook. I think so many couples lose their relationships in Facebook that they forget why they love each other. My husband I try not go on there to post anything anymore unless about business, sports or photos of the kids for other family to see them grow. But keep doing what you are doing…and thanks again for the follow up to clear up some things.
There really is no true reason to unfriend your spouse on Facebook. With that said I also know that if you are happy with the decision and she is happy with the decision, then every ones else’s opinion doesn’t really matter. Marriage is tricky and takes on an identity of its own. Facebook accounts are often used as an outlet for married couples to still have their own individual personality. If its healthy individuality then I think it can be a good source of self expression. When social media turns into an outlet to rediscover ones self identity because of a lack of something within the union, then your heading into dangerous territories. You talk about communicating in person and real time relationship but keep in mind that social media is the new reality of all of our daily lives and unfriending your best friend (your spouse) from your social network is sending a strong impression. So I would behoove you to reconsider but, who am I. I’ve been with the same man for more than 16 years, married for more than 12….still in love, still growing in love, and still consider him my “best” friend in real life and social media. Good luck to you.
I totally agree with your comment!
Who cares It’s Facebook’s. Why let Facebook or any social media put a label on or definition to your marriage….she know her husband and obviously is okay With it.
Your articles are SO on point! Great job and I wish you MANY more happily married years!
I’m friends with my husband on Facebook. We’ve been friends on there since we were dating. Can I see myself unfriending him? No, not really. We don’t necessarily use it as a communication tool but we do post silly things on each other’s walls as opposed to e-mailing each other. Everyone knows we’re married. We share numerous mutual friends. But, at the same time, our generation is more reliant on social media and it affects our relationships. Not a negative or a positive. Do what’s best for your marriage.
Beautiful follow-up. 🙂 I’m glad to hear that your actions produced positive fruit in your marriage. And I’m also glad that you have the good sense to ignore the negative, half-informed, and illogical opinions on your actions.
You unfriended your spouse because FB was causing drama in your relationship. I can’t even imagine what alternate universe ya’ll had to be in if FB was interrupting your business meetings, but that’s a RELATIONSHIP problem, not a FB problem. It seems you mixed cause and effect my friend. Not being able to be friends with your spouse on FB seems extraordinarily immature, sorry.
#MarriedAndFriendlyOnFacebook #ZeroDrama
cluelessness is a disease that truly needs medical research and testing. seriously.
Real Talker.. this particular article is written THREE years AFTER he unfriended his wife.. and guess what? They’re STILL happily married.
Did you read the original article?
geez.. where do you unknowing people come from?
I think so too. My boyfriend unfriended me on facebook, without so much as a word to me & I broke up with him after that. If he had talked to me about it & we agreed it was better for our relationship, that might have been different. But he just went ahead & did it.
I don’t see how facebook should pose a threat to any relationship, if both parties are mature enough to handle themselves appropriately.
it would never occur to me to friend my husband on Facebook… a) I like talking to him face to face; b) he’d probably never actually interact with me on FB because he likes to talk to me face to face; too many other people get in your business on FB.
but that’s just me.. .
Read the article then and now. Didn’t agree then don’t agree now. If you have nothing to hide then no need to unfriend. If you were pulled out of a meeting for facebook over a status that upset your wife, then you unfriend her, the disliked status is still there she just can’t see it. The problem is not her being your friend, the problem is using facebook for more than chitter chat. Like you said too many couples play stuff out on FB. If you are not engaging in that behavior again no need to unfriend. Husbands and wives should be able to enjoy everything together even something as silly as facebook. Thankfully your decision worked for you and glad your marriage is better. End the end that’s all that matter.
I have to agree with you, justdon’tgetit. FB can not cause and issue unless you let it cause and issue. My husband and I have been married for 19 years, have five children. We are friends with each other, our kids, parents, and siblings. Respect is the key to any relationship. I wouldn’t go on FB and post on my husbands status nor would he on mine. I also don’t air negativity or dirty laundry on it. The same social rules that should apply in person should apply online.
I’m glad it’s working for you.
I hear you and I understand the rationale behind it but I see it in a slightly different way. Throughout our courtship and marriage, my husband and I made a decision that our courtship and our marriage would be a ministry to others. We wanted to be able to encourage others so we share our stories, our testimonies, our struggle and our blessings. So many people were wowed by the awesomeness of God when I shared how after pining over my ex for 10 years one month before I met my husband I told my ex I want to get married and I know you’re not it and God will never introduce me to my husband until He knows you’re gone. A month later I met my husband. So many people were encouraged by our courtship and that our first kiss was our wedding day. So many people encouraged us at the miscarriage of our child and so many people were encouraged by our faith and endurance to believe God will give us a child. Where else can you minister to that many people without a microphone. I have friends I haven’t seen since kindergarten and they love our marriage. People tell us you make marriage look fun. It’s supposed to be. Just saying before defriending your spouse on FB, think of who you might be encouraging.
I really think if your relationship is not solid, that it the best thing to do. That goes for friends/ husbands/girlfriends/ect..If im in a relatinship, Facebook wont know about it. Great artilce because it is your truth..
Wow I.truly believe you may be why my boyfriend unfriended me. He said then over a year ago now that we were strong enough to make it together without being social network friends. He was right and there is less stress between us I guess.Plus I can still see his pistons as he can mine.So its cool now but I was upset when he initially stated he was going to do it.Trust is key.
Wow I.truly believe you may be why my boyfriend unfriended me. He said then over a year ago now that we were strong enough to make it together without being social network friends he was right and there is less stress between us I guess.Plus I can still see his post as he can mine.So its cool now but I was upset when he initially stated he was going to do it.Trust is key.
My wife and I have not been friends on Facebook for a few years now and it is fine with me. Neither of us stalk each other’s page and neither of us ask questions or create arguments over anything posted. I will admit that early on it was a little difficult because like anyone, I am human and would want to nosey around. Not for a lack of trust but just to see what’s going on, but i can count on one hand how many times i’ve been on her page in the last 3 years and it has had no bearing on how I’ve viewed/felt about our marriage.
OMG can’t believe some of the comments. Really? Some are mad because his wife is not a friend? I totally agree w/ the author, my husband is not my friend in FB because of the same reasons. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” The same ones who say you are hiding something are the same lonely bastards w/o a spouse.*no comment necessary cause I don’t care about your feelings* there are no rules to life or marriage. We as women can be so envy and jealous of the littlest things.
I had to let my husband know for my reasonings. I don’t want or need everyone in our business because he is good for posting everything. That’s cool but I don’t want to associated in his “statuses.” My opinion! I can understand complete why you did so and the things she was doing weren’t cool. I would be pissed! I don’t have anything to hide its just to much of a hassle for my situation. Keep calm and keep it moving. To each is own.
Im in nigeria and my husband is in the US.he has applied for my relocation to the US but the thing is he applied as fiance instead of married.i do not get it because we got married in august last year.he told me that we needed to remove our married status on facebook and change it to engage or in a relationship cos of the embassy and immigrations people
You do not want to be “associated with his statuses”? What? It sounds like you are ashamed of him. His statuses include his thoughts and a piece of his personality, of who he is. If you do not like that and are ashamed of that, then maybe you shouldn’t be together.
Additionally, there is no reason to unfriend your spouse. If you want to avoid social media interrupting your life then close your fb all together. What I am hearing here is…”if my spouse is on my fb and is communicating with me on fb it is a waste of time and an interruption”, but you don’t seem to feel like that over anyone else!
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I could not agree more! My husband and I are not friends on FB, and it works wonderfully for us. When people have asked why, we have always stated that it’s because we are friends in real life. I applaud you for making the decision that you felt protected your marriage from unnecessary stress. As you stated in your previous article, you recognized the negative impact this was having on your marriage and you acted swiftly and forcefully, in true head of household nature. May more husbands react so defensively to any attack on their marriage.
I totally agree, sir! I’m not on FB but my wife is and I don’t have a problem with it. We’re both on Twitter and Instagram but do not follow each other on either site. I believe the single person or newlywed couple would hqve a hard time understanding the reality of both of your articles.