My Fears Awakened

It seemed too much for a person to have to be responsible for. The thought of some helpless little person depending on me and fully trusting me was insane.  Surely the baby would figure out that I didn’t feel as grown and responsible as I thought my mom was when I was a child. What if other kids didn’t like my baby? What if I ended up being a news story – Mom sentenced to life in prison for killing assailant that looked at her baby the wrong way, live at six o’clock.  What if, What if, what if? Who willingly signs up for this much responsibility?

This was a 24 hour, 7 day a week, 365 day a year job.  The word scared would have been inadequate when describing the raging fear that dwelled in me. I had all of the exact same fears the second time around, with the added bonus of being fearful about having enough love for two kids. That seemed like an impossible feat. I couldn’t figure out how my parents had managed to have enough love for two kids at the same time.

My Fears Released

All of those fears were my truth, as such, they were very much my reality. The one thing that released me from the fear of being a parent was realizing that neither of my children are mine.  I eventually realized that they belonged solely to God.  They were simply on loan to me for a short period of time. He selected me to be the vessel to birth them into the Earth.

I had to trust that God trusted me enough and had provided me with enough knowledge and life experiences to raise the two precious gifts he entrusted me with. I had to realize and accept that he thought I had what it took to raise those two young boys to become good loving men of character, be contributing members of society, and most importantly impart into their lives only things I could uniquely give them to prepare them for their God given purpose.

Understanding My Role as a Parent

The moment I accepted that my job was simply to give birth to them, help guide their individual journeys, love them, nurture their gifts and talents, encourage and support them, teach them to value and respect themselves and others, set their moral compass, teach them to love God and themselves, provide food, clothing, and shelter, and then release them and watch them soar; my fears faded to the background. I’m human, so I still have times when I’m afraid, but I don’t let it consume me. I trust that God will see my sons through their journey by allowing his grace, love, and mercy to cover them every day.

As parents all we want to do is protect our children, so we rely on our most basic gut instincts when raising them. I’m not going to lie, it was difficult getting to this place and it still is a work in progress. I can say that once I got to that place, I realized how freeing and peaceful it was. This new space made me stop imposing my will and irrational fears on them and their lives. It allowed me to see them as separate beings with their own thoughts, dreams, and fears. It made me a clear on my role as a parent. Ultimately it made me become a more conscious parent.

Becoming a first time parent can be a scary and intimidating thing. But it also can be one of the most enriching and rewarding experiences of your life.  Every day is a challenge and every moment is filled with excitement. It is a job that requires a lot, but the return you get on your investment is invaluable, and immeasurable. It is the toughest job you’ll ever love.  Parents to be embrace your fears, jump in with both feet, and remember to cherish each and every moment with your new bundle of joy…as time passes quickly. Congratulations #Team Spry, #Team Golden, #Team Fitts, and hopefully very soon newlyweds #Team Ashley. You all will be great parents.

Oh and to my surprise…I could learned that I could have it all.  I am Olivia, Carrie, Joan and Claire Huxtable all rolled into one.

BMWK, what were your fears as a first time parent?