For the second time in the past few weeks I’ve been told similar horror stories. In both situations children with natural hair were sent for short visits with relatives and were returned with relaxed hair! In the first story the mom sent her two daughters to be with their dad and stepmom for Spring Break and the stepmom put relaxers in both girls hair. In the second story parents sent their daughter with grandparents for the holidays and she was returned with hair that had been chemically relaxed.
Needless to say I was horrified when I heard this. I could not imagine what I would do if someone did this to my daughter. These are definitely fighting words for me! Of course since I am a strong advocate for natural hair I find these actions highly offensive. But even if I wasn’t, why would anyone think that it’s ok to change anything on another person’s child? How dare a person make such a “permanent” (pun intended) decision without the input of all involved. Especially when the potential to cause irreversible damage is so great (especially for young children). It is a chemical process after all. Whether having natural hair is the belief of all parents or not it should absolutely be discussed and agreed upon before any action of this type is taken. I mean what if someone decided that they don’t like the color of your child’s hair? Do they have permission to change it to another color? If there is even an inkling of a chance that this situation could happen to you and your child(ren) here are 3 ways to ensure that your child’s hair is not tampered with when they are away visiting others.
1. Protective styling
Protective styling is a way to style the hair so that it is protected from the weather, damage, etc. Cornrows, 2 strand Twists or braids are just 3 of the styles that can be used to achieve this. Hair worn in these styles can last for at least a week, so that nobody has to do anything to the hair while they are away. These styles are very versatile and can withstand an active lifestyle. I recommend this especially for younger children who are not old enough to maintain their own hair.
2. Teach your child to maintain their own hair
If your child is old enough, teach them to maintain their own hair. At the very least they should know to cover their hair at night. You can start them on a regimen of spraying their own hair with a moisturizing spray daily when they are old enough to do so. This will help keep people out of their hair.
3. Blatant threats
Should you threaten bodily harm to anyone that messes with your baby’s hair? Wellll…ok don’t do that. Just make it very clear to the people that are caring for your child on your behalf. Let them know up front that you don’t want their hair altered. When blended families are involved have the discussion and work out any disagreements so that there are no misunderstandings. Communication is key. I feel for both of the mother’s in these situations. I hope this never happens to anyone else. Hopefully my suggestions can help to prevent it.
Would you be upset if someone put a relaxer in your child’s hair without permission?
I myself have experienced this problem. My daughter was completely natural last summer and went to visit her father for the summer. When she returned I noticed her hair was straight but was concerned because it had been in that state before. It was when she washed her hair, I noticed that the texture was not how it used to be. At that time, I asked her what happened and I got the blank stare (my daughter will be 14 in two days). It hit me, that a relaxer was put in her hair without my consent or knowledge. Can you say highly upset!!! It’s been a year and I am trying to fix the damage that has been done.
Wow Pearlette! What was your response to her father and who did he have do it?
Murder is the case they would have gave me!!!!
Same thing happened to me. My daughter went to her dads for he summer and his sister relaxed my 5 year old’s hair. They’re Honduran and I guess they wanted to straighten or loosen my daughter’s beautiful curls. I was LIVID. They continue to flat iron her hair when she visits and she has to constantly stop them from perming her hair… They have taken out her protective styles that I spent so much money on. I’ve threatened bodily harm and VIOLENCE. My child loves her other side of the family and enjoys her time there but I’m to the point where I might have to stop the visits altogether. Either that or BEAT SOME TAIL so that they can see that I’m not playing and this is my child from my WOMB and they can’t take these liberties. She has 3b/3c hair. Imagine if she had my 4a/b/c hair (I’m all three, I think lol)…geeez.
That’s horrific. To up and undo the protective style you purposely set in place and invested so much in. It’s about their view of what they think the hair should look like, I suppose, which can be challenging to change sometimes.
We’ve been brainwashed to have long, silky hair and anything other than that is not attractive. My hair was pressed as a child, so I pressed then permed my daughter at a young age. I didn’t know any better and continued the cycle. Once I left home for the service, I had my first perm done. I didn’t know the natural texture of my hair until I was close to 40 yrs old. What a revelation. Thankfully, many women are also realizing the same for themselves and daughters.
You are right Mz Jo and I am very happy also that women are recognizing their tru beauty. I didnt know my true texture until i was well into my 30’s. Once my daughter was born I knew that I would keep her hair natural.
Right now I don’t have daughters but I am not sure how I would respond to someone altering my child’s hair like that. Ultimately, it comes down to respect. Most people think they know how to raise your child better than you and that applies to family members as well.
I love the directives presented here. While I believe that it takes a village to raise a child, parents should be respected as the primary decision makers. Offer advice and let the mom or dad implement if they choose.
altering anyone’s anything without their permission is a violation, but especially if its their kid! Respect is crucial
Oh my. This article has all of the West Baltimore in me that I try so hard to suppress bursting to be released. My daughter has beautiful naturally curly hair. I would lose my mind and my freedom if someone, anyone chemically relaxed her hair without my permission. I wish a _______ (<——– insult colorful word here)would!
lmao Monique because I immediately knew the word that fits into that space!
I was surprised to read this because I cannot imagine anyone taking it into their own hands to alter anything about a child without the permission of the parents. It is out of place…I was offended even by reading that it did happen, it felt like a violation. My heart goes out to the victims.
Jilean, Unfortunately it happens a lot! and you are right they are absolutely victims.
I had this problem to a lesser degree when my daughter was a loose natural. I knew when i had a girl i’d keep her hair natural, and once i went natural Christmas ’09 it was understood, yet even if i or her father did her hair before sending her to her grandparents my mother would go out of her way to “style” it. I’ve run into this problem with my oldest son (7) and people cutting his hair even when his father and i have expressed our boys aren’t to have their hair cut. It got to the point i gave up and left our oldest son’s hair care to his father, to do what he sees fit at any given time. Our daughter (6) and youngest son (4) had their hair locked by me october 2011 because my fear of having their hair chemically altered was so great, plus they hated having it combed, and i found all the styling to still be counter productive to the self love i’m trying to instill in my children.
It’s still a battle, even more so now because society still finds issue with our hair because myself as well as our two youngest have freeform dreadlocks. If anyone ever did anything to destroy their locks in order for their hair to look “neat” i’d shave them bald and start over. I don’t play games with my children and i refuse to have my babies brainwashed into thinking they are some how inferior simply because of the texture of their hair or color of their skin. It’s my job to ensure they are happy, healthy, morally sound and in love with themselves as they are- anyone who attempts to interfere will have me and my husband to contend with no matter who they are.
wow! I think cutting a child’s hair without parental permission is just as bad! Where do people get off? Congrats on your strong sense of pride. Your children are blessed.
This happened to a friend of mine years ago. She sent her young daughters to her ex-husband for a few weeks in the summer. She had their hair put in braids so that he woud not have to comb it, but the hair could still be cleansed as needed. She gave explicit instructions to NOT take the braids out. Well, when her girls were returned to her they both had relaxers, courtesy of her ex-husband’s girlfriend. *sigh* My friend tore her ex a new one, and it took her years to let that go (and to get her daughters’ hair back on track- they both had long, thick, pretty hair before it was ruined).
omg that is crazy MommieDearest and exactly what i spoke about in the post. I just still cant believe how often this happens!!
The Girlfriend should be shamed..If I were dating a man and his daughter came to be with us, There is no way on Gods green Earth, that I would have done that..I think it boils down to respect as much as it does with issues of self hate when it come to natural hair..
I am intrigued by the posts here. Today, this very thing occurred in my family. My ex-husband had my daughter’s hair relaxed without my consent. She is 10 years old. She has beautiful natural hair – fine and a lot of it. The salon put a relaxer in it. When it began to hurt- they took it off and reapplied. I have not seen it live yet but the photos have wreaked it. Virgin hair relaxed and the only instructions she was given were don’t wash it for 2 days. Presently her curls are shapeless and the edges around her forehead look broken. I am at a complete loss! Any suggestions to manage her hair?
I know this is old but thought I’d take a shot and reply to your question anyway. Something like this happened to me as a kid. I wasn’t natural–my mother had relaxed my hair and sent me to visit my father and stepmother. My stepmother was creole and had straight hair, and so didn’t know much about kinky/curly hair. To her, my stiff, relaxed hair looked like it needed a perm, so she took me to get one. That’s right, she put a chemical treatment on my chemically treated hair–and she planned on doing it a second time a week later! Thankfully, my mother found out what was happening before she got the chance and intervened. My mother knew my hair was going to fall out so she just conditioned the hell out of it and treated it like fine China with the goal of keeping just enough of it on my head to allow some new growth to come in. Even relaxed, my hair had been thick and long before this. It took years for me to achieve that health again.
Your situation shouldn’t be so dire as it’s not a chemical over a chemical, but I would advise the same treatment–intense focus on the health of the hair with minimal manipulation as the natural hair grows out.
Wow a relaxer on top of a relaxer? how old were you when that happened? Was your scalp damaged?
lol, this is me. I used to get my son when he was about 5yrs to look after my daughters hair when they went to stay with grandparents. She was around the one year mark. I taught him to do her wash and go’s that she wore back then haha. Serious I know. And I warned my Mum not to touch her hair, lol. Now she wears braided hairstyles and I make sure they are freshly done so that no one gets any funny ideas lol.
How dare anyone, family or not, imply God made a mistake, and got it wrong when determining the natural beauty which is afro hair.
There would be nothing sweet about what their father or I would do. Somebody would be on the way to ICU, for sure, if they dared applying creamy crack to our 2 daughters beautiful, natural hair.
Serious yes. I am glad your son knows how to do hair!
I think this is a terrible thing to be hearing about. I recently read about a father who sued his wife because she gave him “ugly” children and won.
I think this should become a serious offence, Relaxers are no joke and taking it upon yourself to expose a young child (some-one else’s child) to something like this, ESPECIALLY when you are not a trained hairstylist should result in some sort of fine, imprisonement or relaxers offenders list! It’s just WRONG.
I think its wrong too and it is a chemical process that can cause all sorts of problems.
If someone did that to my child, I’d cut it all out and start over.
I hope it never happens to your child!
This happened to me. I was in the 4th grade and I went down the street to play with a friend. Her mom was doing her hair and asked me if I wanted her to do mine. I said yes…It burned! I was natural then and had a beautiful head of hair! When I went back home…my mom was HOT! Within 2 weeks, my hair all broke off terribly. I was allowed to get my ears pierced so I wouldn’t look like a boy. Previous to this the rule was, “No ear piercing until you are 13!”
That was the ONLY up side for me. Mom didn’t know what to do so as soon as it grew enough she took me to the shop…they cut off the perm and gave me a jerri curl! When the curl went out of style, I wore braids until I could cut it out, got a relaxer and did the Toni Braxton, Halle Berry and whatever else. Got to college and decided to go natural. This was in the 90s. I had no idea how to take care of this…so after a couple of years, I relaxed again!
Traumatic? Yes! The start of having poor self image? YES!!! Today I am 6 years natural and have THICK 4C beautiful hair! I will NEVER relax again. It is not good for my hair or my image.
So thankful that I was able to get off the chemical roller coaster! Now I don’t have girls. But all who know me, know I “ain’t right!” and when it comes to my babies, I DO NOT PLAY! I can’t imagine this EVER happening to a child of mine. If God blesses us with a girl I will DEFINITELY keep this in mind and ALL will know better.
Sorry so long! I must’ve really needed to get that out! Thanks for reading and the forum.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think its important for us to start sharing these stories so people will understand how important our hair and our beauty are. Congrats on your beautiful natural hair!
I’m not natural. I’ve never been and I have no plans to be in the future! However, my daughter is and needs to be natural.
I’ve always sent her with braids with my ex n laws! Thank God they never tried to relax her hair! She would be bald afterward! She doesn’t see them anymore (there own doing) but I’m glad they don’t have a chance to make her feel self conscious about her beautiful hair.
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I know this is SUPERRRR old but i’d like to share my expierence. Okay i just recently went natural, but back when i was younger my hair was black girl long. AKA collar bone length. lol. My mom would send me to my dad’s sister house to spend time with cousins and what not. Well i was shock because back home a child even touching their hair was grounds for a butt whooping. Yet my cousin who was a year younger than me (i had to be 10-12 at the time)was flat ironing, relaxing and styling her own hair!! While i was there i had a relaxer by my aunt and a flat iron 2-3 days straight. It was only when my mom found out did she threaten to come get me so it stopped. After that she started putting it in braids whenever i went out there. Of course eventually it became my job to call her and let her know before they touch my hair. (since me being a child, saying no doesn’t work.) Now that i’m 16 i feel more comfortable with no one else’s hands in my hair.