A few months ago, I was at my wits’ end with my daughter who just happens to be a smidgen more stubborn than I am. We butt heads often because we’re so much alike. But I also understand that it has a great deal to do with the environment that our children are growing up in, which is so much different then the one many of us were raised in by our own parents. Disrespect? What was that? Talking back? Oooo, you knew you weren’t sitting for a few days.
These days, we have to find ways to balance good parenting with competing influences from the rest of the world—not to mention our own children’s personalities. I have had to come up with creative ways of disciplining my daughter (i.e. making her squat 50 times while picking up and dropping her clothes back on the floor to get her to stop throwing her cloths on the floor. Unh-uh, I pay too much money for those clothes!). But, I’ve also had to find ways to remind her that I want our relationship to be more than just about ongoing lectures and consequences for bad behavior.
One week was particularly bad and I got to a point where I was just tired. And I know she was too. It felt like every five minutes, I was lecturing her about something she did or didn’t do. And then I had to stop and take a breath. I remembered that she is about to enter some of her most formative years and I didn’t want this constant lecturing and disciplining to be all she knew me for. I didn’t want to it block the flow of our communication down the road. And so I did what I knew to be really important. I wrote her a letter about everything I thought was brilliant about her…
Dear Nantaba,
I am writing this to let you know that despite how it may sometimes seem, there are many things that are wonderful about you. I am blessed to have you as my daughter and am in awe as I watch you grow into a young lady. So even when I get frustrated and angry with you, it doesn’t change the fact that I love you with all my heart. I hope things begin to improve so that there are fewer reasons for me to be frustrated, but in the meantime, I want you to know what I think is really wonderful about you. Hold on to this letter and read it anytime you feel sad, angry or like you can’t do anything right. We all sometimes feel like that, but it’s usually up to us to do something about it.
What I think is wonderful about YOU:
- Your joyful laugh.
- Your determination to teach yourself new things.
- Your thirst for knowledge and your ability to retain it.
- Your fearlessness.
- Your creativity.
- Your (corny) sense of humor.
- The way you take care of your siblings.
- Your commitment to doing well in school.
- Your hospitality.
- Your smile that lights up your face.
- Your gift for art and culture.
- Your singing (sometimes J)
- Your ability to remind me to have fun.
- The way you can make friends and carry on a conversation with anyone.
- Your cooking (errr…sometimes).
- Your silliness.
- Your writing (stories).
- Your handwriting (when it’s neat).
- The way you teach me how to use my phone.
- Your ability to make and sell whatever you put your mind to.
- How you tell me about your day and your friends.
- Your LOVE.
I pray everyday that God continues to protect you and guide you as you become older and more independent. Always put Him first, and you will succeed in all you do.
Love, Mom
There’s something to be said for positive reinforcement in parenting. Ever since I gave her this letter, I’ve noticed greater effort from her part to do her part and become less disobedient. Things are not perfect, nor will they ever be—but, I can definitely say that this letter has improved our relationship for the better. In fact, when I asked her permission to use this letter in my blog post, she told me that she carries it in her backpack every day. I had no idea. Don’t ever take for-granted how much your children need to hear your praise and make sure you find something positive to recognize them for on a regular basis. It will change your relationship.
BMWK, How do you keep the flow of communication open with your children?
I’ve been thinking of trying to find ways to tell my daughter how special she is to me and how much I love her without being too materialistic. This is a beautiful idea and I will be writing a letter to my 11 year old daughter as well. Thank you!
Since separating from my ex husband back in 2010, I’ve started a tradition of having mommy/daughter days. These days were implemented to allow my daughter, then 8.5 years old, to be able to speak with me freely about her feelings and day to day events without being penalized or judged for what was in her heart; as long as she did it respectfully! Along with our discussions on our special days, we would have picnics in the den, pampering days, team cooking day or just a laid back evening watching a great movie together. It’s now been 5 years and she continues to look forward to our mommy/daughter time together.
Allowing her this time to be able to express herself has allowed her self-esteem to remain positive and believe that no matter the challenge, she could and would get through it with positive support. Along with the positive encouragement, we also utilize a mailbox system where that at any given time, we are able to leave one another a special note. This child LOVES to receive mail!!!
I would encourage all parents to think outside the box or to expand their box to find ways to keep your relationship open with your child! We ARE our child’s 1st teacher and the are depending on us to lead and guide them.
Be blessed and keep the faith! ????????
Thank you so much for this! This letter came right on time. My daughter is 9 going on 29 LOL and we do sometimes but heads but thank God for Black and Married with Kids blog because this really made my day, I can’t wait till I see her this evening and give this letter to her. I pray it brings her great joy and makes things a little better for us. Thank you again for this, it will continue to bless others.
This was inspiring.
As I sit here in my 10 yr old daughter’s messy room with tears in my eyes bc we had a rough morning before school, I’m hoping that this method works with us. It’s been a rough year for us as I have gone through a recent divorce. I almost feel like my daughter secretly hates me for it when the reason I left was for HER. Being a mom sure as shit was easier when she was a little younger…lately , I feel like it’s been the hardest thing ever. Well, heres to hoping she acts a little better like your daughter did. I know she has it in her. Shes a sweet loving kid-when she wants to be.
Can I just say. THANK YOU SO MUCH! My daughter and I have not been able to find our mutual balance between each other. I grew up not having my mother around because she worked very hard all my life to support my siblings and I. Even though my father and mother both worked and they are still have a loving marriage. I struggled growing up expecially my early teens because my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t still never got the answer to that but either or she wasn’t there for major parts of my life and as I got older I just learned it was easier to just except that I was on my own then to ask questions or even blame my self. I am a mother of 4. Two 9 yr old daughters. I is my step daughter and two toddlers, but my biological daughter is 10 and her father is not in the picture. His fault only. We have mutual custody but doesn’t put it to Justice. And because of that my daughter has alot of anger, hatred, she doesn’t trust easily and the saddest is that she will never trust anyone’s words because her dad lets her down. So her I am crying myself to sleep because the one promise I made to my babygirl that isn’t a baby anymore, she is becoming a beautiful young lady prematurely I get the wrath of it. My husband (her step dad) her siblings and step sister, grandparents even the dog. When her dad doesn’t come through. It’s not a good day and I understand why her brother and sisters have there “real dad” with them and she never even gets to talk to her dad on the phone. I even tried to explain to her what is a real dad anyways? Like I never got that.y parents are still together but her father’s parents were split up for the longest I can remember. Anyways way of track I have had problems fights screaming matches with my daughter to the point I loose my voice and she hates me and I’m not her mom. And I was lost no one to turn to. No one’s advice was working. ?? Just thought all was lost! Until today I read this letter and reworded and rearrange something’s but same point (thank you thank you) I feel with her step sister and my daughter always in compition with each other and nit picking everyday that she deserves to be praised and noticed for the beautifully things that become of her and I don’t know why it took me this long to realize this. All I can say is your letter is a miracle and I m going apply it as soon as I finish it. Thank you truly
Hi,
Finding your post today has given me hope that things will definitely be better between myself and my daughter. Like yours and daughters of people on this comment section, its been a battle being my daughter’s mom and even loving her. I feel and fear I even began to hate her. Like she does things on purpose sometimes. I feel like she hates me too sometimes! I am pleased and grateful to you for this approach to resolving the issue and a great step to building a lasting healthy relationship.
Thanks and keep on doing great!