I couldn’t believe what I was hearing in the school parking lot. A mother was picking up her children, who looked to be about 7 or 8 years old, but the children weren’t moving fast enough for the mother. So she proceeded to raise her voice, instructing them to hurry up. What I heard next made my heart drop to my stomach:
“Get in the car nig$%r.”
I grabbed my daughter and covered her ears. We stood there. Paralyzed. I was in shock because I had never heard a mother refer to her child with that word. The profane and demeaning language continued and could be heard coming from inside of their car. I felt for the children. I even had sympathy for the mother, who, I am sure loves her children and does the very best she can to take care of them. But how can anyone justify cursing their kids? When the harsh, penetrating words pierce a young soul, they have to leave deep wounds that take months, even years to heal. Contrary to what people say, sticks and stones and words hurt.
When we curse at our children, we pronounce a curse on our children. We speak ill, misfortune, negativity, and worthlessness into their lives. We override the positive affirmations they may have received at school as soon as they come into our presence. We set them up to fail and to see themselves as failures. Words are just that powerful.
Now, some of you might be thinking that this is common sense. We all know this by now, right? Well, that’s what I thought until I witnessed a child receiving a verbal tongue-lashing in the school parking lot. And, if we are really honest with ourselves, we have witnessed similar incidents in our communities and homes, too. Maybe we have slipped and cursed our kids before we knew what was coming out of our mouths. Also, we can curse our kids without using profanity. Have you ever heard someone say these statements in a way to degrade a child?
You’re just like your daddy
You’re never going to be anything
You were a mistake. I wish you were never born.
I don’t have time for you.
Nobody will ever want you.
You never do anything right.
You are bad. Why you so stupid?
You’re so “fast.”
Sound familiar? Do you think these statements are harmless? Although they don’t contain “curse words,” they still pronounce curses in a person’s life.
As the grownups, we have to be in control of our tongues and tempers so we don’t kill our children’s spirits with our words. I live by Proverbs 18:21 that says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue,” which means I have a choice to speak life or to speak death. And whichever one I choose, it will come to pass, eventually. I know it gets tough sometimes when our children misbehave or when we are just downright tired from a day’s work. I can be short tempered and quick-tongued, too. But, can we agree that some words and statements should not be spoken to our children (or to anyone, for that matter)? Instead, let’s season our language with life-affirming words that heal, encourage, validate, and soothe. You don’t need a specific reason or occasion to tell your child:
I love you.
You are God’s gift to me.
I’m so proud of you.
You can be anything you want to be.
You are so smart.
I will always make time for you.
You have a family who loves you.
You are a good person.
What types of words were spoken to you as a child? Are you repeating what you heard or speaking differently now that you are an adult?
Great post, you are so right that negative words spoken to a child can really be detrimental. It can be really heartbreaking. Unless we speak positive to our kids they really have a tough battle in front of them.
I thank my parents for speaking life into me. Every day, every single day, my father told me that I was going to go to college. Not that college is the end all be all, but my dads confirmation put my mind in the right direction. Earlier this year, the cycle continued, my son woke up on his first day of Pre-school saying he was ready to go to college!
Great post
Wow. I can picture the scene in your house. That is awesome. That’s an on-time comment Edward. My husband and I encourage parents to prepare their kids for college beginning in kindergarten. Thank you for sharing this. YES!!
It bothered me to hear my niece cuss her daughter out when she was younger. Now the young lady is just as foul mouthed. Heartbreaking, for when I tried to tell her to watch her language on facebook, she got very angry with me and proceeded to cuss me out. I don’t have anything else to do with her….
That’s awful. It’s still good you said something. I think as family members we have an obligation to at least say something, just as teachers, church members, etc. With strangers you have to be a bit more cautious because you never know what will happen in front of the kids.
Your advice will come back to help them all. One day.
I absolutely believe in the power of the tongue. I have cursed, but I was never really a cursing type of person. I don’t curse at anyone, adult or child, especially in anger because I will not tolerate anyone cursing in anger at me. That is where I draw my line of respect. So if I will not allow it to be done to me, why would I spit words like that to my daughter. I use words of love, encouragement and discipline with my 3.5 yr old, not words of degredation or disfunction!
There is a line. I agree. Somethings we shouldn’t do or tolerate being done to us.
As a child growing up in the sixties my mother being from the old school used to curse me. My aunts cursed their kids also we got beatings, we feared I parents. We grew up without a father in the home so our mothers had to be both. We knew without a doubt our mothers love us dearly, they were not educated but they made sure we were. The fear we had for our parents is the same fear we are to have of God. A fear that we know they love us but we know not to do all kind things. I said when I had children I would not curse them, but I did only words like sh**, a** and damn. I found that when I used the word my girls knew mommy meant business! I’m not saying this is alright but I believe in preparing my girls for the real world, peaches and cream is fine but how will they act when they get out there and someone approach them wrongly. When their feelings are hurt can they handle it. The Bible says the generations will get wiser and weaker you see evidence of that today. Children being teased or bullied in school can’t handle it some commit suicide. When I went to school we were teased, bullied and lot lot more but we handled it. I know parents that have chastized my girls when they were younger for telling another child they were telling a lie(not a story because stories are in books) or they were acting like a fool or being stupid telling them they shouldn’t say these words. I told the parents I allow my children to say those words if the situation call for it. We sugar coat so much we make our children vulnerable to the real life. My girls are 27,19 and 14 never had any trouble out of either of them and can handle themselves quite well. Yes I love them, I love them enough to not shelter them from the harsh realities of life.
I agree. We can’t shelter them from life. Sounds like you toned down the cursing with your daughters. My mom used those words too and I turned out okay. It wasn’t right though, and she told us that. God’s grace makes up for a whole lot of parental mistakes. Thanks for sharing, as always. I look forward to reading your comments.
Thank you, Dr. Michelle.
Growing up my Dad would use curse words, but I never thought of how damaging words could be until one day when I told my son that he was just like his Dad. I have since, done everything I could to turn things around. I speak life to my son and also encourage him to respect his Dad and know that we are praying for him daily.
I was saddened while reading about the Mother and how she spoke to her child. Now I have not ever been called the “N” word by my parents but have witnessed young Mothers calling their toddler sons the “F” word in place of a homosexual. To some this is considered normal behavior but it is so sad. I am thankful that we have Children’s Ministry Leaders to help assist in parenting and offer support and counsel to those parents who seem overwhelmed. I decided not to repeat my past, eventhough I believe my parents loved me then and now. Blessings to you!
You are welcome Latosha. It’s good you caught yourself when you spoke ill to your son. I’m sure he is grateful for the change in you.
I can definitely agree with everything written here. As a child, I was always degraded, made to feel worthless. I always asked God why would he put me on earth to suffer? Why would he give me such horrible parents? I still don’t know why, but I will say that those experiences have made me the strong person that I am today. I still struggle with some things that was said to me, but it gets better with time; though I shall never forget. Since I went through all of these things, I try not to do it to my son. Sometimes, I become upset quickly, it is all that I know, but I ask God to calm me when he does things, because I never want him to go through what I did. It is hurtful and will scar a child forever. He is the blessing I always asked for; I needed someone to love me; therefore, I never want him to feel unloved.
Great post! Parents, take heed!
Thank you for sharing that Mel. A lot of parents need to read your comment, too.
Additional info.: No matter how upset I get, I will never curse him. That is just downright shameful!
Yes done it. Not any more. I hear people doing it today and I wonder how can we say those kind of words to the ones who love us unconditionally.
Good for you (and for your kids). We live and learn.
i curse at my kids a lot they know i mean buisness they think im playing with them if i dont curse or threaten them with a “spanking” i think its whatever works for you and your children. Kids can and will push you to that breaking point of no return. I get tired of repeating myself, sit down dont do that leave that alone dont hit him keep your feet on the floor, keep your hands to yourself, sit down and eat your food, enough is enough. I have 3 boys that will drive me crazy if i do nothing….
I’m sure 3 boys are a handful. My prayers are with you.
I am happy to say that I DO NOT curse at my sons, or my wife, or anyone else. My boys have never heard my curse and they are 15 and 17. My wife doesn’t either. My oldest son does not curse either even with his friends.
It is an awful practice, and abusive. Children generally press repeat on how they speak to their friends, cousins, and eventually, their children. I have “un-friended” people when I hear them doing it, and let my sons see my attitude when I do it.
The tongue is a small rudder that guides a very large ship. As parents, remember who is on that ship with you.
That is nice to hear. Thank you.
Wonderful article – Are words are powerful. Knowing that we should speak, life, & prosperity into all people’s lives especially our children. Wonderful article and great reminder!!
Indeed Zee. This is for all people. Thanks for your comment.
A very good article and as a educator, and youth teacher at my place of worship we choose to speak life and not death, but what happens when you marry someone that has a very hard time speaking the same thing. It becomes frustrating and makes me want to run. I trust that God will help me with a decision to save my last two children from someone that chooses not to change.
I was raised by sailors ..my tongue was slick and whit quick but just like my tongue I learned quick the right and wrong and death in my words…the Lord blessed me with two amazing children and in that blessing a responsibility to nurture, educate, and inspire their spirits..take time to recognize your strength in others’ lessons and teach.
I feel what you are saying. i don’t sheild my kids from things I can’t control but I also tell them that they are the masters of their destiny. They can make the world their fortune. When a child is born they are a clean board and we as parents put on the board how they are suppose to behave and function in life. I tell my children every day before they leave for school I love them and do the best they can. When they come home I ask them how was school give me the good things and bad. In the end of our conversation. i tell them that they are smarter today than yesterday. Now i am in school and they tell me the same things and give me encouraging words. I smile because children mimick what they see and are taught.
I wish my own parents will stop cursing, can’t wait for that day???