by Aja Dorsey Jackson
My husband loves to cook, but with his love of cooking comes the part that no one seems to love: cleaning up.
While he is fairly good about cleaning up after he cooks, he will throw a pot of leftover food into the refrigerator with the quickness instead of transferring it to a container. It may sound crazy to some, but this is something that gets under my skin.
Opening my refrigerator and seeing a pot in it is akin to listening to the sound of someone running her nails down a chalkboard. When I was little, I used to say that sound made my teeth itch.
That’s how I feel about pots in the fridge. Itchy teeth all over again.
Of course I have a very logical explanation as to why this seemingly benign offense is so annoying to me:
1) Pots are typically round with a handle, making them hard to stack, so they take up more room than they should.
2) At some point, before the contents of that pot have been eaten, I will probably need to use the pot which means that I will have to transfer the contents to a container and then wash the pot before I can use it; an extra step that wouldn’t be necessary if it had already been done properly in the first place.
When I explained this to my husband some four plus years ago, he gave me that it’s-not-that-serious look and said that he would stop putting pots in the refrigerator, which he did”...for a little while. Fast forward to the present and it is once again a regular occurrence.
So what do I do about it? Do I tell him constantly (i.e., nag) that the pots in the refrigerator annoy me until he stops doing it? Do I take it personally, believing that if he cared enough he would be more considerate? Do I grumble about it but let it go-except not really because if he ever brings up my not putting the toothpaste back I have something to say?
Or do I just realize that a pot in the refrigerator is just a pot in the refrigerator and do absolutely nothing? The reality is, at the end of the day, after working, taking care of children and handling everything else that goes along with living life, I don’t want to spend what little time we have together arguing about pots. We both had a whole life before we met each other and in those lives we did things in very different ways; things like putting pots in refrigerators. I realize that for every pot that he puts in the refrigerator, I probably do something equally as annoying. We can choose to dwell on those minor annoyances and let them become major problems or realize that some things don’t really matter in the grand scheme of our marriage.
I choose to do the latter and to me it works out for the best.
Are there some minor annoyances in marriage that we simply have to deal with? What do you do when your spouse does the little things that bother you?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Oh my goodness!!! I talk about this all the time, are the little things really that serious? My pet peeve is leaving air inside the bread, I know it sounds silly but IMO you should take all the air out of the bread. I said it once and just like in the pot scenario he did it for a while and then it slacked off. It just isnt worth my marriage to complain about something so minute.
I am a newlywed of almost 3 months and I hope more seasoned couples will leave some more comments because I am struggling with this right now! For me, it’s picking up after himself. I don’t mind cleaning since he does all the cooking but does he have to make my job harder by leaving all of his crap around! Why do men say they will help with housework and then don’t fo what say they will do!!!!!!! Sorry for the vent, I hope to gain some wisdom and/or patience about this particular topic.
@tiffanyinhouston, I think the patience comes with time. My wife and I have only been together for three years, but we quickly learned that the small things don’t matter. My wife leaves pots in the refrigerator. It doesn’t matter because it means she took the time to cook. I may not fold the clothes right away (neither does she), but it doesn’t matter because it means I took the time to do the laundry. For every annoying habit I bet most of us could find a flip side that we are thankful for. Best wishes in your new marriage.
Over the years I have learned to Celebrate the Differences with my mate. My fiance and I are 2 different people with differing views and different ways of doing things. Neither way is wrong — just different (and sometimes annoying). If I start to feel annoyed or hurt or unappreciated, I ask myself if the issue is worth me walking out of the relationship over. The answer is always no so it focuses me on working with her to find a solution and/or letting it go.
@tiffany – I hear you on the messiness. Can’t stand it myself and am fortunate not to have to deal with it (other than with my daughter, but we’re working on it). However, try not to downplay in your mind the fact that your husband does all the cooking. Cooking can be both a joy and a chore so he is helping with the housework in this way. Also, being so new in your marriage, you and your husband need to communicate constantly about these “little” things so they don’t become big things.
@Tiffany, Not making a big deal out of things doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t work on them. I would let him know that you are frustrated. One thing that always helps me is being very specific and offering a solution. If he’s not cleaning up his dishes after he eats say that specifically and ask him if he would please put them in the dishwasher afterward. That works better than just saying “I need help with the housework”. It probably won’t be perfect after that but that’s where the patience part comes in 🙂
There are DEFINITELY some minor annoyances we have to deal with, and deal with them with a smile…LOL…which takes a whole lot of MATURITY. I have several pet peeves that I deal with, and after 15 years of marriage, I’m finally at a place where I understand that I need to do certain things because they are just NOT ON HIS RADAR!! My hubby works for the railroad, and has FILTHY, STINKY, clothes when he comes home. I gave him his own hamper, and ALL I ASK is that he turns his clothes inside out because, seriously, they are so nasty I don’t want to touch them. Will he?? ABSOLUTELY NOT!…What do I do?? Grab my rubber gloves on the way to do his hamper….Why?? Because I know him, and I know he hasn’t turned anything inside out!!!….Aja, most men (for some reason), don’t want to deal with tupperware, bowls, lids, etc. Pull the containers out for him, or just put the food up yourself. I know, I know, just do it okay?? TiffanyinHouston, now….you knew he was a little unkept before you married, right?? His mess was a lil cute then though, wasn’t it?? LOL….Not so cute anymore is it?? When you look at ALL the single ladies, wishing and hoping for a hubby, you’ll understand that you’re blessed to have him even with his mess :)….Pick them up as soon as he drops ’em down and I guarantee, after a while, he’ll begin to feel bad and think about where he’s putting his things, because he know’s you’re coming…LOL.
I don’t really care about the little stuff, like the toothpaste, pots in the refrigerator etc, but I care about mess. I hate messiness and it drives me up the wall. Especially since I keep a very clean home I disliked having to constantly clean when he would come how. Unfortunately it was enough for me to leave my marriage but now I am learning how to turn those petty things into more than just the obvious. Having a positive outlook is awesome and I am sure that I have some annoying traits which my new guy likes to point out but when you love someone, you have to realize that you get the faults too. Loved this post and the comments.
Great post and I can say the situation is reversed for us. We normally cook food to last 2-3 days so if we cook in a pot and it’s still full of rice and beans or curried chicken, transferring it to a container doesn’t work for me. I love to use the least amount of steps possible to accomplish a task: thus, I leave it in the pot which makes it easier to warm up. For me to take it out of the pot and put it in plastic only to have to put it back in a pot to heat it up and then if some were still leftover, repeat steps 1-3 would “make my teeth itch” *lol* But then we have 2 sets of pots and don’t run the risk of running out of something to cook in. I agree with Aja though that if something is troubling you, you shouldn’t tolerate it until you’re about to burst otherwise it could lead to resentment. Also, I recently had a conversation with my husband about something else and we just agreed like Bryan said, to not make a huge deal about things that aren’t CRITICAL otherwise we’d be fussing and nagging at each other all the time.
Also, I think we need to remember, especially for those who were running their own households solo before marriage, we may have different upbringings that contribute to each spouse doing things a particular way. If something isn’t done maliciously or purposefully to cause irritation, we need to learn how to move on about it. It would be futile to try to get me to undo 30+ years of doing things a certain way just to do it his way. Bringing two individuals together is never going to be a completely smooth ride.
My friend and I talk about this all the time. Some form of little annoyances will always be there, and sometimes its much, much worse to try to change someone. As in yur example, they’ll try, have some success, inevitably mess up, and feel bad while the other person is angry.
Its difficult cause if the annoyance is major enough then there should be a significant effort to change, but thats very subjective and really needs to be agreed upon by both parties.
My hubby leaves the cabinet and closet doors open! lol But, after being together for 13 years, I just tell him and he closes them. It is not important anymore, but he tries. I get fustrated at times, eventually I do get over it. lol It is just a part of him. He doesn’t like when I tie a knot on a loaf of bread. lol But, that is what we did in my household as a child. He looks over it and I try to make sure the knot is not too tight, so he doesn’t have to rip the plastic. That’s compromise! lol
What’s interesting is my marriage is kind of the opposite of some of the stories that have been shared. As the husband, I’m usually the most organized one and the one who is particular about putting things up, but my wife is not organized at all. She will leave her stuff in the most random places and it becomes rather tedious to deal with. But talking about the little things isn’t really the difficult part, it’s the reaction to it. My wife doesn’t take to my criticism very well, because at times I can be very blunt and she is very sensitive. This doesn’t make for a good combination, so something as simple as asking her to stop leaving the remote control on the bed for it to get lost, can turn into hurting her feelings.
One thing I’ve learned is picking better times to address things. That is a struggle because at that moment you want to say something, it is hard to gather your thoughts and say it in a manner that would not offend. I also get a bit offended by the lack of progress when making these requests. To me it almost feels as if my suggestion is not being considered, which isn’t necessarily true, but I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves why doesn’t she/he get it? The lesson that I’ve learned from that is to be mindful if you are doing your part to meet their request as well because I can get mad at her for not fulfilling my request but should I hold those expectations on here when I haven’t even met her request. My wife and I have been married two years and it can be a struggle with these things, but trust me it’s better to have to tackle the small things than to have to deal with the big ones.
My annoyance…being taken for granted. I have been a stay at home mom for the last roughly 2-1/2 yrs (got sick while I was pregnant with our last and decided to stay home with him after birth) to our now 5 kids ranging in age from 2 – 12 yrs. I have no problem handling my part of the program (cleaning, washing, cooking, teaching, tutoring, etc.) but I do have a problem doing things that you can do for yourself (i.e. something as simple as putting your coffee mug in the sink!!!). When I do complain to my husband, his response is always that “You have all day, you can’t do that?” It’s not that I can’t do it but if it’s something so simple why can’t you?
My biggest pet peeve with my husband is his disorganization and inability to clean up after himself. Ironically, he yells at our daughter for the same thing. He will frequently yell at our daughter for “touching stuff” and I frequently have to remind him that he shouldn’t have left whatever it is where she could get her hands on it. I tell him that he claims that it’s important to him, yet he does not treat the item(s) with the reverence he says it has. I am extremely patient, more than I should most times: it’s on the kitchen table or couch for days, then on the floor for weeks and even sometimes months before I get so fed up I toss every thing in a plastic bag and dump it on his side of the bed (sometimes while he’s still sleeping in it) so he can’t expect that someone else (i.e. me or my daughter) will know to treat it with importance. When he was working I gave him some leeway because he was working long hours and sometimes weekends (mind you, I was also working long hours and coming home to take care of a baby/todddler and preparing for work/daycare the next day, none of which he had been participating in). Now, he’s currently not working and other than dropping our daughter off and picking her up from school, he’s home most of the day which means he has hours to take care of whatever the mess is. Yet, daily, I come home from work, see the mess and his only response is “you’re right, I’ll take care of it” only to have him say the same thing to me about the same mess I complained about the next day. Many times I have to keep it to myself to avoid having him accuse me of nagging, which then eventually results in the massive angry dumping of the mess I mentioned before. I try not to get annoyed but it gets frustrating when it’s day in day out and I’m out working and feel like I’m coming home to take care of two children instead of just one. Words are nothing it’s about action. Just do it.
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