by Ronnie Tyler
School is underway and the kids are settling into their daily routines. By the second week of school, our second grader was getting notes in her daily agenda book.
Day 1 it was simply: “Talking”. So I reminded her that talking was disruptive and asked her not to do it again.
Day 2 it was: “Talkative.” So I said 2 notes in one week!! If you bring home another note, you will lose your outside time after school tomorrow. We had a long talk and she explained to me that she could not help it. The “other people” at her table were talking to her and she just had to respond.
Day 3, Wednesday, it was: ” Too Much Talking.” By this time I was angry, you can’t go outside today or watch TV and if you bring home another note you will lose your outside privileges on the weekend.
Day 4, Thursday, was back to school night. I waited patiently for the teacher to give the parents her presentation. Following the presentation, I approached the teacher and introduced myself. I told her I was concerned about the notes that were being sent home and asked for suggestions on how to address the talking issue. She said that we should look for positive ways to deal with her talking. I liked this approach because I really didn’t like punishing her but I also did not want her talking to continue. For the most part she is a very good kid — she is well behaved, she is very smart, she does her work, and she gets good grades. However, she is talkative too — a social butterfly that gets her work done in a hurry and then wants to talk to others (preventing them from getting their work done.) I did not like punishing her..but I wanted the talking to stop.
This weekend we started seeing commercials for the movie Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs. And of course our seven year old said Mommy I want to see that. So I told her if you don’t get any notes in your agenda this week, then I we will go to that movie next weekend. So on Monday morning I reminded her of our agreement before she ran to the bus stop. She came home Monday afternoon with a great big smile. I was on a conference call when she came into the house and she did not care. She whipped out that agenda so that I could see that she did not have any notes. She was soo happy and proud of herself!!! And it was the same story each day of this week. So guess we are going to the movies on Friday!!
I really liked this approach better than punishing her. And it seemed to be more effective –at least for her it did. I have a teenager and to be honest this incentive approach did not always work on him.
BMWK – I don’t think that all of her incentives will involve activities that require me to spend money. What do you think about this approach? Do you think it is like bribing the kids? Has this approach worked with your own kids?
Staycee2 says
OMG!!! I thought I was the one writing this article. I went through the same thing with my 11 year old last year. I went as far spanking my child and even showed her what I purchased her for Valentine’s Day and gave it to her when she got things in order. The teacher told me that my daughter’s career entailed working as a public speaker for a Fortune 500 Company! She eventually got the talking down to a minimum. But looking back I felt like crap for spanking her & not giving her her Valentine’s Day gift on Valentine’s Day. My child is very bright and was just bored from waiting for the rest of the class to catch up to her level. She’s just bright as hell and is above level in all her classes. Therefore, I felt she wasn’t being fully challenged. I ended up sending extra for her to do, when she was done with her work instead of disrupting the class!
busybodyk says
Your daughter reminds me of ME! LOL I always got letters from the teacher about talking. Sorry I don’t have any advice for you. I’ll just say that all I got were punishments and my mom always seemed mad at me which wasn’t good for our relationship.
Lady4Christ says
I was a talker when I was in school, I’m 26 and still a talker. I hated when I would get a beating or punished for talking, it wasn’t something I couldn’t control. Some children are just born with the gift of gab, I think parents should learn how to cultivate that gift and not try to extingush it. I agree that incentives seem to get way more results then punishment. They say you catch more flies with honey then with vinegar. Praise always gets a better response then put downs. There are many ways that you can reward your daughter without it costing you money, and don’t worry about feeling like you are bribing her, because at the end of the day we are all bribed somehow in someway. We go to work everyday, do our best and hope we will get a raise, a bonus or some type of a reward, that’s the life we live so you are just teaching her about life. I appauld you and hope you many more parental victories.
King James says
so.. she didn’t talk?
or she didn’t talk at the wrong times..
how did it work.. how did she differentiate?
I dont’ know many young folks who can tell the difference at ALL times and who can remember all day.
either way.. happy for you! that movie was #1.. i may see it..
i’m sure there are plenty single baby mamas there 🙂
Ronnie says
@Lady4Christ thanks for the encouragement. I know that too much punishment can impact the relationships with your kids. We also have a teenager and I am definitely learning from my mistakes with him.
@KingJames – I don’t know what’s going on at school..but all I know is she is not coming home with notes (knock on wood.) I think the teacher warns her several times throughout the day before she will actually write a note. So I am thinking that she might be getting a few warnings evey now and then…but then she thinks of her incentive and she buckles down.
Children's Aid NYC says
Rewarding children for good behavior is a great approach. It certainly worked with you… Bravo!
Heather for Childrens Aid NYC
Prodigy says
When I was younger I was an overachiever myself academically but a social butterfly as well. I would talk whenever I could regardless of whether I was in class or not and I constantly got the note sent home to my parents. I do not currently have any children but speaking from my own experience I believe that it’s up to the parent to decide what they think the most effective form of punishment should be. Me, I used to get spankings/beatings/whoopings whatever you want to call them from the belt and the switch. I can say though that in my case that form of punishment worked really well and I turned out to be a very productive individual in society as well as well mannered etc etc. As a matter of fact it’s soo funny because from time-to-time my mom is approached by people who’s paths have crossed mines and they tell her how much of a gentleman I am and that she raised me right. I say all this to say that if part of raising me right was spanking/beating/whooping me then I am all for it and I appreciate it in hindsight.
Anna says
@ Staycee2, “my daughters career entailed working as a public speaker for a Fortune 500 Company!”. Too funny but a great way to say your child talks too much. LOL. Allow your child to keep talking but in moderation. Oprah will retire one day and thus far no one could ever replace her.
@ Ronnie, I see nothing wrong with bribing a child, just don’t let them know that that’s what it is. Nothing wrong with rewarding a child for doing well. I like the idea of a movie vs cash. The movie may be just a movie but while having multiple kids, it’s also a “mommy and child” bonding moment. Kids love one on one time with their parents, it makes them feel special and builds not only self esteem but a sense of security.
I think it’s a gender thing. Little girls start taling in complete sentenences before a year and a half(and they never stop)it’s human nature. My son is almost 22 and still gives me one word answers. LOL.