I live in what I affectionately call “the boonies.” We live about 45 minutes outside of Baltimore City. It’s a nice neighborhood. The prices of homes are very reasonable when compared to other counties in Maryland. The neighborhood is incredibly safe. The public school system is great. And, from my experience, the people in town are pretty nice. There is just one thing. There are not many brown folks around.
Now, I am not uncomfortable around white people. Not by any stretch of the imagination. To be quite frank, I really don’t care about skin color when it comes to establishing friendships. A good person is a good person, and a jerk is just a jerk – no matter what color their skin is. But, I do wonder about my kids sometimes. I wonder, as they get older, what it will be like for them to attend schools where very few kids look like them.
I grew up in Brooklyn, New York and my husband is from Queens, so we spent our childhoods around kids that looked just like us. Looking back, I know that being around other black kids made a difference in my self-esteem. I never worried about my skin tone or my hair. Most of my thoughts about white kids were actually connected to socioeconomic status. Based on what I saw on television, I thought all white kids lived in houses and wondered why we were stuck in an apartment building (oh, the mind of a kid).
But, when my kids go to school, things will be different for them. I wonder how my son will deal with the challenges that come with being one of few (if not the only) black kid in his classes. I pray that my daughter will grow to love her natural hair and never desire hair that is longer, straighter, or softer than her own. I hope that my kids can befriend children of other races, standing strong in the belief that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them because they have brown skin.
When children are young they don’t see color. I am watching it play out now with my 3-year-old son. For him, race is not an issue. He just loves to play with his friends. But I know that one day race will become an issue, and unfortunately it’s something that society will impose on him and his sister. And even if we decide to send them to a private school that is a bit more diverse, the reality is that the school will still be predominately white. How will we teach them to manage it all?
I hope that my husband and I are granted the wisdom we need to simply raise children who are kind and respectful. We don’t want them to be colorblind. Rather, we want them to be very aware of who they are, the history of their people, and the beauty of living in a world where everyone is different – just the way God intended. We want our kids to know that they should never make apologies to anyone for who they are. Embrace yourself, hold your head high, and never forget that what makes you different also makes you who you are – and there is no better way to be. That is what I want my kids to know.
BMWK Family, what are your concerns about raising proud black children in the face of a lack of diversity?
Our neighborhood is relatively white although changing. The school my children (8 & 6)attend are predominatly white as well. I have had similar concerns as the author. For us, however, forutnatley because we live in NY we find great options. I try to find parks that are mixed. They are enrolled in an amazing african centered program (Ifetayo.org) and we constantly tell them how beautiful they are and what makes them beautiful. From the hair to the skin color and everything in between. Unlike the author and some of the commentors, my children noticed color very early on and we have always had very open age-appropriate discussion about skin color. They have grown up with posters and books and positive blacks all over the house so that it has become second nature to them. Whatever their interst, I always ensure that I find blacks who are in that area without making it obvious to them. As they are now getting older and being more exposed to television, we have started having different types of discussion. For example, younger daughter refused to put a hoodie on, because she thought it would make her look suspicious :-(. How have we addressed that, in an age approprite way, we are talking about slavery, about blacks in america and why some of the things that are happening are. I am not sure how the future and their enviornment will influence them as they grow, but as of now, these girls are very self aware, confident about who they are and why they are proud to be who they are, and totally comfortable with children and adults of all races. My job is to continue to have open discussions and bridge the gap between the lack of diversity in their neighborhool/school while nurturing that self pride and finding ways to help them understand the real world we are living in.
One of our daughters is a peach and the other chocolate brown (their description)complexion. For now, the bigger challenge I have had is morso among my own race, where they are always picking out the lighter one and speaking about how beautiful she is and that she will be a model, while my younger equally as beautiful daughter gets overlooked. As they grow, this is the one area that is becoming more obvious to them, and I am struggling to work on those dynamics to ensure they aren’t both negatively impacted by this.
I am a white (Spanish & scottish decent), fair skin women with two multiracial children. My husband is Jamaican. I live in the same town I grew up in, my children go to the same school I attended. Growing up my family was only the second Latino family in the neighborhood, the school actually looked down at my family. My parents had to hire the best lawyers and fight to have my sister moved out of special education. Because of my parents the school was forced to test the rest of the children in special education , the majority being minorities who were removed when tested. The school my children attend is probably 95% white. I have taught my children to be proud of who they are, I have put them in clubs outside of the school to be with children just like them. The thing is my neighborhood I grew up in was black. I did not see color, I ate at their homes and ran away to their house and the same with them. They neighborhood changed over time and now is mostly white. The culture is not there with my children, the soul runs through my veins, I listen to my children and it depresses me. I thought I taught them better. I had a talk with my daughter and her white cousin today and they said they are afraid of the black kids in school, that the are loud and aggressive. I gave them examples of the white children killing other kids in the school, and other examples of white trash, I don’t think I got through, that it is the individual not the group. I am a nurse and I do not see color, I see the heart, the mean or nasty or the nice and loving, If I had a chance to do it again, it would be an all black neighborhood. I have the same friends from the old neighborhood. We are family
I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood and attended predominately white schools (until being bused). I have to say that I did not have a lot of problems with my “white” friends. Or growing up in that neighborhood, my parents were very strong in their identity and passed that on to me. I never felt uncomfortable with or in myself. In reality, I believed it allowed me to see the world quite differently from others;because,it exposed me to various cultures (I had a very close Irish friend,and later Vietnamese families moved in next door). I also learned how to appreciate these cultures as well as my own…good, bad, and indifferent. I hung out primarily with the black children in my neighborhood;but, I did have many white friends and visited their homes quite frequently. As matter of fact, some of us still keep in contact. Most of my issues occurred when I was bused on the other side of town (read black) and interacting with my family members who criticized my speech and “white” thinking (I don’t know what that means).
Yes…this is the issue I’m dealing with, with our daughter. She goes to a diverse school. She was bullied by a group of black girls when she began and now gravitates and seems more comfortable with whites there. The black girls tease her about the way she talks and her interests. She likes anime. They have said it’s “white”. Really font know what to do.
The post from Anonymous at 11:40am was very inspiring. Like the author, I grew up in black neighborhoods in the DC area, like 99% black, and never had identity issues growing up. Of course, I had other issues like all teenagers/pre-teens encounter (teased because I was a “nerd” (though I never was told I was “acting white”), insecure about my acne, my height, etc.). Not until college did I have a bit of an identity crisis because I hadn’t really encountered whites at all growing up. My parents were also very Afro-centric, we went to a lot of cultural community events emphasizing African or Black culture, jazz and funk concerts, the Stone Soul Picnic every year, Kwanzaa celebrations, MLK Day parades, etc. etc. And looking back I think my parents taking me to all of that stuff, my mother ensuring we only played with black dolls, being active in our black church, all these things were more important in my development because I gained self-esteem, purpose, culture but without it being out-right obviously “Black.” It was like blackness had faded to the background and we could just be community members–and once I enrolled in a lily white college and then an even whiter and more upper class prestigious graduate school, the fact that I was black smacked me in the face.
Now I am married with a toddler daughter and another on the way, and we have been looking to buy a house, and facing the decision of which neighborhood to choose has been terribly hard. I also grew up with a working class background, what could be considered as an “authentically black” status, but now that I am educated, successful and we are steadily becoming solidly middle class, I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I want my daughter to live in the neighborhoods I did with the experiences I had, but I also attended bad public schools, although I excelled quite easily always at the top of my class and used that as an advantage to get into college. Still, I was under-stimulated, bored, teased and violently attacked by very bad children who may have been of the same economic class as me, but had family problems that I didn’t have (I had two loving parents who valued education and took me to the public library all the time even though they weren’t educated, were active church members and steady voters, and taught me social and civic skills).
On the other hand, I want to shield my children from the pathological behaviors and negative culture that comes out of many predominately black areas (stemming from poverty, political isolation, exploitation, racism, and a variety of other factors). Things weren’t even that bad when I was young, but 10 times worse now. And I also want her to go to schools with better education, but unfortunately nearly all of the decent schools in nearby counties are predominately white. I don’t want her to suffer self esteem issues or be the only “token” black girl. Plus it is worse for black girls because she will also have to deal with standards of beauty and alienation that will make her feel doubly inferior. She is a beautiful chocolate brown, but much of America have been brainwashed not to see the beauty in that.
My husband and I are at a loss, because we also can’t afford private schools or more rich, diverse areas. At our current income level, its going to have to be public school, and in either a working class black area or a working class white area, and unfortunately working/middle class whites are even more negative towards blacks in many cases than the more affluent “liberal” whites.
I know whatever we do I will supplement their education with summer homeschooling, summer camps, cultural activities, science programs and I will tutor them in the mornings and weekends. I guess maybe that means even driving into the nearby black cities for cultural events and activities that we won’t find in white suburbia.
This is a conversation that I would like to join in on.
Having the best of all things American is not always possible. I can appreciate the challenges you face as parents in the decisions you face in purchasing a home. I am sad that there is no clear easy choice that creates a win win situation. While we have made progress legally as it relate to discrimination in housing in America, we have much more work to do socially and being able to not have to deal with racial issues. The challenges are ever present and as much as we are striving for a culturally pluralistic society, we are not there yet. Please be encouraged that as we are yet forming a more perfect union, America needs to be vigilant in not allowing current racial tensions keep bogging down progress we yet need to make. The hearts and minds of individuals to accept diversity in race relations cannot be made a non-issue with us being blamed for being or looking suspicious just because we are people of color. Neighborhood choice should not have to be done by the lesser of two evils, but rather the best choice for a family to invest in this American Dream. As a hopeful American I am striving for generational changes in a big way that will make these discussions obsolete. Today we must fight for social justice as well as becoming better at being neighbors, community and citizens. Location, location, location.
I am currently attending an all white high school it sucks all that racial discrimination against me for being black. It sucks . I go to sit with someone they say “go back to jail n—a
Please share your concerns and experiences with your parents, family and school administrators for support. Know that discrimination is illegal and there you are not to be subjected to it. I know there is no easy solution to this challenge, but please do not keep it to yourself. Share your pain with others and they will assist in finding ways to cope. I am so glad you have opened up here. I do hope and pray that as you continue to grow and learn you will make a difference for others as your experience will make you stronger. I am sorry we have not made this America better by now that you would not be experiencing this hurt. As I was taught when I was in high school, to “keep on keeping on”. This means different things for different people. I have held that it means that things will get better, so hold on to hope. Sounds a little idealistic, but it works.I am not sure of you academic strengths and interest but develop them and excel. Having a goal to reach for provides the resilience required for this struggle. Be all that you can be and are supposed to be by gaining knowledge. Knowledge is power. Be encouraged.
Personally, I refuse to raise my children in all white suburbs and I would rather home school them if I can not find a suitable city school. I went to both city (elementary and junior high) and suburban schools (high school) and I did not have a good experience in the suburbs. I was teased mercilessly and called ugly many times by the white boys (I actually got along with most of the white girls). It damaged my self esteem for a few years and the way I got my esteem back was to move into a city around predominately black people for College. I never told my parents about my experience because they tried so hard to “make it out of the city” and I did not want to make them feel like I did not appreciate their efforts. I know there are may black girls suffering in silence in all white schools. Most of the black boys are influenced by white beauty standards and did not date any of the black girls and worst, they did not appreciate out natural hair, features, etc. I also learned barely anything about African/black culture in those schools. Black culture=slavery and civil rights in most white schools. Nothing about Egypt, Sudan, Mali, Timbuktu, the Moors, etc. Even white people believe black people contributed nothing to history because that is what they in essence learn. I learned more about African culture in one year at College than I did in four years of high school. Just my two cents.