by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Actress Regina King sparked controversy recently with an essay she wrote for Vibe Magazine encouraging Black women to consider dating men of other races. King writes:
“Of all groups of people, Black women are the least likely group of women that will date outside of their race. When you have everyone else who is willing to explore but a Black woman is like, “˜I want me a brother.’ Well, if the brothers are out and they’re open to date everybody and the majority of Black women aren’t willing to look twice when a man outside of their race is sending them messages, then that makes our percentage rate lower and the chances of finding love, because we’re only looking in one specific place for finding love””with Black men”...I think Black women need to open up. A lot of Black women still carry a lot of pain when they see Black men with women who aren’t Black and that’s really unfortunate that that could make us so upset.“
On the other hand, Jill Scott sparked even more controversy in a March essay for Essence Magazine about the “wince”; the feeling that Black women get when seeing a Black man with a White woman.
“In the midst of this, Black women and Black men struggled together, mourned together, starved together, braved the hoses and vicious police dogs and died untimely on southern back roads together. These harsh truths lead to what we really feel when we see a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian woman and their children. That feeling is betrayed. While we exert efforts to raise our sons and daughters to appreciate themselves and respect others, most of us end up doing this important work alone, with no fathers or like representatives, limited financial support (often court-enforced) and, on top of everything else, an empty bed. It’s frustrating and it hurts!
Our minds do understand that people of all races find genuine love in many places. We dig that the world is full of amazing options. But underneath, there is a bite, no matter the ointment, that has yet to stop burning.”
I found both of these articles interesting because it brings to light the fact that although we often claim to live in a post-racial society, the issue of interracial dating and marriage is obviously still carries a lot of baggage for Black women.
I have never dated a man who was not Black. Looking back, I honestly don’t think that I had real reasons behind it; it was just never a thought. Despite the fact that I always went to predominately White schools and worked with White people most of the time, when I envisioned my future husband, he was always Black. Because I never felt that I had a problem finding a Black man, I never felt that I was limiting my options with that preference.
Even so, I will admit that I have felt the wince a time or two. I have grown to realize that you find love where you happen to find it. However, when I see a Black man with a non-Black woman, I do occasionally think about the statistics that Black women are less than half as likely to be married than other groups of women and think that he may be one of those good men that so many Black women seem to be unable to find.
Does King have a point? Statistically, Black men are twice as likely as Black women to date outside of their race, in fact the husband was Black in 73% of Black/White marriages. If Black men are willing to consider all of the options when it comes to finding love and Black women are not, just based on numbers doesn’t this leave some of those with hopes of finding a Black man hopeless?
Could Black women let go of the “wince” if we were open to dating men of other races or does exploring the options mean giving up on the idea of finding a good Black man?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her at www.twitter.com/ajajackson.
@BusyBee,
“Interracial marriage because a “problem†only when its black women.”
Perhaps inter racial marriages are a problem for black women in the same way they are a problem for Asian men.?.?
@BusyBee you’re preachin to the choir.
=========================
The funny thing is, I can feel a lot of hate on this page. I expected to converse with other users and try to come to terms, or at least understand our differences.
So far I’ve already had a negative run in with one user, but I won’t name names. This bitter and loveless woman knows who she is.
Interracial relationships are a much bigger problem for you older generations. Some of you constantly pressure your kids to stay within their race. But for most of us younger people, we really don’t care about that crap anymore.
When I’m out, do you know what I see? Happy couples living THEIR lives and doing THEIR own thing. I don’t see color when I see people, and why should I?
You’d think in this day and age where the American society preaches “all men are created equal” and guarantees “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”, we’d be able to love and date whoever we want.
But it just goes to show that we haven’t changed a bit.
It’s okay if you’re not into interracial relationships, but don’t hate/shun/discriminate those in your race who do; that’s childish and idiotic.
I’m not even the legal drinking age yet; you shouldn’t be hearing what should already be expected from me.
You’re the adults supposedly. Lead by example.
– LosT
well, gatting back to the topic,what are the thoughts of everyone else? What do you think?
Should black women go for interracial dating?
*getting
Busybee May 14, 2010 at 11:09 pm
The majority of black women will continue to stay loyal and only date black men. Do I see anything wong with that? Sometimes because some are not getting a good black man but sacrificing so they dont go outside their race. I dont see anything wrong with a black women dating/marrying outside her race but I hope its for love and compatibility and not trying to make up for what the black man didnt give her.
__________________________________ Anna
Would you say this to a black man? What about a Mexican man or an Arab man? Or is this only for black women?
What is your proof that black women will remain loyal to black men?
Why do black women half to have “MORAL†reasons for dating.marrying out but black men can PUBLICLY : debase, disparage, and demean the entire population of black women including their OWN mothers? Black men have a sordid history of doing this: ALL black women are fat, ALL black women are emasculating, ALL black women are combative, ALL black women________ in the black. This is psychological violence and as a BLACK woman who is not only interculturally married but has travelled abroad, the elite in other socieites dont disparage their own people, especially their women/mothers. What is wrong with US that continue to do this?
Like black men who are HUMAN first, black women have the right to date and marry who so ever they choose for ANY reason: thats apart of being an adult, you dont half to explain your life choices to ANYONE but your creator.
Peace
~~~~~~~~
Anna May 15, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Busybee May 14, 2010 at 11:09 pm
The majority of black women will continue to stay loyal and only date black men. Do I see anything wong with that? Sometimes because some are not getting a good black man but sacrificing so they dont go outside their race. I dont see anything wrong with a black women dating/marrying outside her race but I hope its for love and compatibility and not trying to make up for what the black man didnt give her.
__________________________________ Anna
Would you say this to a black man? What about a Mexican man or an Arab man? Or is this only for black women?
What is your proof that black women will remain loyal to black men?
Why do black women half to have “MORAL†reasons for dating.marrying out but black men can PUBLICLY : debase, disparage, and demean the entire population of black women including their OWN mothers? Black men have a sordid history of doing this: ALL black women are fat, ALL black women are emasculating, ALL black women are combative, ALL black women________ in the black. This is psychological violence and as a BLACK woman who is not only interculturally married but has travelled abroad, the elite in other socieites dont disparage their own people, especially their women/mothers. What is wrong with US that continue to do this?
Like black men who are HUMAN first, black women have the right to date and marry who so ever they choose for ANY reason: thats apart of being an adult, you dont half to explain your life choices to ANYONE but your creator.
Peace
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know many black women 20-60 who only want a black man. There are many loyal black women who were raised to pick a black man. I was not told by my mom or dad to marry a black man. I live in the US of A, and can marry any man I want. I chose a black man to marry and a black man to have kids with. I can and do on a regular basis ask black men why they chose a non black women. Their answer. “I Fell In Love”. Love really is color blind. With your comment about black women are this that or the other, makes me think you have been scorned, are scorned or going through something. I am all for “Women Power and Black Power”. Not all black women are bossy, or want to emasuclate a black man. I have learned long ago to let a man(of any color)be a man. Peace right back at you. We may have differnet opinoins, but it does not mean one is right and one is wrong. My husband works with a women who is Mexiacn and does not agree with interracial marriage/dating. His co worker wants to keep their Mexican blood line to continue. I can’t get mad at that. I can’t change who I am to please others. I am a woman with a white mom and a black dad. It is what it is. Kids don’t ask to be born. I was born in the late 60’s when being biracial was not cool, not the norm. I do love to see a sister with a black man, and that black man loving her and making her feel like a trophey wife, a wife that he got blessed with. My husband treats me like a partner, a queen, a best friend. Am I to feel guilty for that because my skin is whte and his is black?
@Anna just live your life, miss. Color/race need not apply. You’re happy and you’ve found the love of your life.
Disregard the nasty looks and discrimination you’ll encounter. It’s just ignorance.
@ Anna
Respectfully Anna, you chose not to directly respond to questions. Im not sure what your experience as a bi-racial woman has to do with the discussion (presumably amongst African Americans) have to do with black women expanding their dating/marrying options. Skin color, skin hue, or skin shade racism exist in every ethnic group: if you travel to Senegal you will find many women who live past Kolack that have bleached their skin with skin agents and developed skin disorder; you can visit Bangladesh and find similar skin bleaching agents. The preference for white and light skin is a worldwide problem that comes from European standards of beauty being imposed on the masses by way of media, policy, and products. Look at Sammy Sosa. Another example is the infamous “black doll test.†Based off of what Ive learned in my college biology, physiology, and sociology classes: the reason the majority of us look the way we do is because of our habitats and the way they have evolved. Unity is evolution. Having biracial features is yet another stage of evolution. To me, I dont light skinned or bi-racial person as a threat to my self-esteem or progress. This is dysfunctional thinking.
@ Nappy Kitchen
The owners of this website have NOT banned me from participating. I havent read any rules that say you cannot dissent. I think you should stop*** OBSUFCATING***, have enough *maturity* *compassion* *mercy* and *wisdom* to advocate the black women and ***ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN*** deserve a two parent homes filled with love, compassion, stability, and safety. I think this website would be reckless, and actually go against the grain of its goal to advocate for black marriage by dismissing the legitimate suffering of people. I am VERY happy with my husband. My parents are 100% African American, and I have several male siblings who are currently partnered with white women. One female sibling is currently with a white man from the armed services. The other siblings are single mothers NOT by choice. They are overwhelmed, overworked, stressed, and struggling financially. HOW DARE YOU tell me Im NEGATIVE. The men abandoned them and the children. Thankfully they are college educated, and are working. Else, they could easily slip into poverty. Our parents are sick and near elderly—they can only do so much. Talk is cheap. Debate is cheap.
Now, Im off to an African adoption seminar.
Have a blessed day people.
@BusyBee well said.
i am black women i will not date a black man. i am to good for a black man. black men have no respect. i love dateing spanish men.thay are very loveble know how to treat a women.thay cook for you thay do things black men dont do. to me black men are trash.
@Elaine
woah, woah, woah! Why do I have to be trash? You can’t just make sweeping generalizations about ALL black men like that. You’ve probably just had a lot of bad experiences with the ones you’ve encountered.
There are a lot of black men who have the utmost respect for women. Take me for example; I respect women, I cook, I hold doors open, I’m a gentleman, I know when to be serious, I listen, etc.
So it’s not all of us. Too bad there are a lot of black men out there already messing things up for us because they’re being idiots.
Well, thanks for calling me trash Elaine. Please enjoy your day.
I remember going to a hair dresser 0ne of the cusomers. Make a really good point she said trouble with black women they love the Black man and the black man is busy loving everbody else. My point is life to short waiting for something that might not happen if you can find love regardless of who they might be go for it and stop looking who the black guy dating who care their not thinking of you. So you need to think about yourself.
@british
Not all black men are busy loving everybody else other then a black woman. We shouldn’t stereotype black men. I for one think it’s beautiful that the black woman is so committed to the black man. Its just that some black men need to realize that the black woman is truly the only woman that can truly understand him. Like or not that’s the truth. Real black love is powerful.
@Michael Martin
that’s not completely true. Not all black women truly understand some black men, and vice versa. Understanding is color blind.
michael matrin , if some blacks prefer,desire and love each other, that’s fine,that’s them.not all black women are comitted to black men,black children or black people.i’m not!i couldn’t care less!
@Lost
You sure choose the right name. cuz if you dont believe that a person who is most like u can’t understand you the most….Then u are lost
@CHERISE
You know that is a shame cause you should take pride in your own people….
And also for the record im going to keep supporting black love…..And im going to keep putting the black woman on a pedestal where she belongs… She is who all these other woman wish they could be….take that how you want to take it! Do some research on her learn about her then you will see what Im talking about….I think you all are trying to get me started.
@elaine
Well if u hate black men then you hate yourself also. It took a black man for you to even be here. Im a black man and i feel very disrespected by what you said. You are no better then a down south white person for sayin that. Don’t let your most likey few experiances with the wrong black men…which for the record probably weren’t men anyways…cause a real man knows how to treat a good woman…and that goes with saying that you are a good woman…cause i don’t even know you…I really think you should have thought that out before you wrote it…Your statement made you seem like you are a victim of a Slave mentality…get your mind right!
@Michael Martin
nah, dude. I’m just sharing thoughts. Watch out for Cherise though. Don’t feed the troll.
Anyway, just because someone is the same race as you doesn’t mean they can understand you better than others. I speak from experience.Some get you, some don’t; both inside and outside of your race.
@Lost
I respect your opinion.people are people…the truth is also the truth..oh yea i will not feed the troll lol
@Michael Martin
I appreciate the respect, man. I say that with all sincerity. I agree with your opinion to a degree.
you seem reasonable. I’m glad you found this column.
I do not date black men anymore because they’re too sexually destructive – to themselves and to others. While I believe that all men (to some degree or another) define themselves by their sexual conquests, black men do not seem to be able to set this need aside in favor of more constructive pursuits, i.e. raising children, maintaining healthy, long-lasting relationships, and remaining gainfully employed. I really believe this is due in part, if not completely, to a deep-seated rage that is understandable. It must be the worst feeling in the world to get up each and every day knowing that you have a 50/50 chance of being pulled over by a cop, accused of a crime you didn’t commit, or watching random women clutch their purses as you pass them on the street. A black man’s seemingly constant need for sex (to alleviate his stress) has put more people at risk than can be attibuted to any other race. Look at Africa – once a beautiful continent. Sadly, all that this black-male-governed continent can offer to the world is the largest incidences of poverty, war, rape, famine and AIDS. I really believe that black men use sex as a weapon, as revenge on a world that views them as pariahs and the causes of all of the world’s ills. What’s truly unfortunate about this is that black men seem hell-bent on proving this true. My advice to black women is to not limit themselves when it comes to dating and marriage. Look outside of your race and you may actually find yourself in a better position physically, psychologically and financially. If you must date or marry a black man, then I wish you luck. And by all means, before you do, please do a criminal background check, a credit check, a health screen and a psych eval.
@Linda thanks for lumping all black men together. really…..
Sex as a weapon? you’ve got to be kidding. I’m black, and none of that applies to me, nor the other black males I knew.
That doctor phil analysis sounds good on paper, but it’s very skewed, generalized, biased, and highly inaccurate.
Way to offend. really.
*know
@Lost
Thanks man…
As for LINDA Im very sorry that u feel this way. It seems to me like you suffer from what is called a BLACK INFERIORITY COMPLEX. You have feed into media and news proaganda that is put out there to stereotype the black man and make him look like this is the kind of person he truly is….You can’t put that kind of label on all black man cause its ignorant and very untrue…just because a man is black doesn’t mean that he can’t control his sexuality…Do your history where did porn and homosexuality come orginate….I think you are blinded by the world proaganda that influences the world’s view of what a black man is that is not true. I bet you still consider yourself to be a minority in america…You have feed into statistics that are designed to make you feel inferior….The AIDS epidemic is not only effecting black women and men. Take off your blinders and stop fallin for what they want you to believe. You should read a book call “BRAINWASHED ” it’s by a author named TOM BURRELL. it’s a good book i think it would help you!
@Lost
yo man Im gonna move on from this subject cause it is obvious there is no getting through to some of these people. It’s upsetting that that is some black woman’s preception of a black man. I guess we need way more examples of REAL BLACK MEN…cause some of these women have truly lost hope and it’s said. It makes you wonder how they are raising their sons if they think this is how the black man truly is to them. GOD BLESS Im off this topic!
*Standing ovation* for you Brother Michael Martin! I am sorry to see you leave but I understand how you feel about SOME black women. I am HAPPY to say that I DO NOT share those views. If you are so inclined, I wouldnt mind any more suggestions that you might have regarding what else we, as a people, should read. BRAINWASHED sounds like a good place to start, I am gathering up my reading list now.
Stay Blessed!
This website (BlackandMarriedWithKids.com) is actually mentioned in the book BRAINWASHED so we definitely co-sign on you picking up a copy 🙂
.-= Lamar´s last blog ..Blended Families Week: I May Not Be Your Mama, But… =-.
@Lamar / Tee/ Michael Martin
thinks for bringing some intelligence to the table. I wish I knew more people like you.
We’re the next step forward in true understanding in the world. Everyone else will catch on……eventually…..maybe….probably?
god bless.
@ Linda
Personally I believe in individual freedom and liberation. I believe everyone of every race, ethnicity, and culture has a human right to date/marry/mate with whoever they want to for any reason they want to without justification or apology. Be it interracial, intercultural, or mono-racial family systems we all have a right to our personal happiness. I also thought your commentary was fair actually. Unlike others, you at least acknowledged some of the origins of the cause of the dysfunction and breakdown. In particular I wanted to respond to:
“I really believe this is due in part, if not completely, to a deep-seated rage that is understandable. It must be the worst feeling in the world to get up each and every day knowing that you have a 50/50 chance of being pulled over by a cop, accused of a crime you didnt commit, or watching random women clutch their purses as you pass them on the street. A black mans seemingly constant need for sex (to alleviate his stress) has put more people at risk than can be attributed to any other race.†Linda
My reply:
Based off my own experience of being inter-culturally married, and spending a great deal of time in my husband cultural community Ive observed that:
Working class and middle class men from other parts of the African Diaspora who migrate to Western nations experience the same degree of discrimination, and bigotry as black American men but they DO NOT cope the same way as black American men. The majority of them will not result to bashing black women in the public sphere through media and publications. They majority of them do not result to publicly denouncing black women in public conversations with hostile racists around them knowing full well the consequences. The majority of them are too busy working their two to four jobs or going to school while working those two jobs to even really care. Im not implying they are better or perfect, but in my opinion their culture is different. When these conversations transpire in the black community I notice that ((((many))) keep confusing race with culture. They arent the same. I can understand why some feel offended at the notion that you must date/marry out of your race if they dont know the difference. Obviously your race isnt something you can change but*** everyone*** has the right to choose the culture and religion they want to be a part of. Good luck to you and I hope you find the love youre looking for.
@ Michael Martin
You said:
“As for LINDA Im very sorry that u feel this way. It seems to me like you suffer from what is called a BLACK INFERIORITY COMPLEX. You have feed into media and news propaganda that is put out there to stereotype the black man and make him look like this is the kind of person he truly is….You cant put that kind of label on all black man cause its ignorant and very untrue…just because a man is black doesnt mean that he cant control his sexuality…â€
My reply:
I respectfully disagree with your ***un-licensed*** and impromptu diagnosis of Linda. I think you and a few others are **policing** this conversation. I dont agree with her entire commentary but its unethical to restrict someone elses freedom especially their freedom of movement because it doesnt support your personal ideology. I never hear the ***MASSES*** of black American men stand up PUBLICLY to denounce the sewerage against black womens images (Ill make an exception for the Nation of Islam Black American men feel free to label ALL black women as: ugly, fat, masculine, aggressive, gold diggers, and mammies. Just look at the sewerage Black Men Vent put out on Youtube. Yet there isnt a MASS knee jerk reaction to rebuke such behavior.
I also think its uncompassionate, and dehumanizing to disregard her personal experiences. We dont know what trauma or pain she may have experienced with black men from any part of the Diaspora. You must learn to disagree with someones position versus attacking them. You are in fact, feeding into the label that black men are both physically and psychologically violent by violating the normative rules of debate.
Again, EVERY ONE has the*** right*** to choose what culture and religion they want to be a part of. Its NOT UP to the masses of black Americans or ANYONE to make that very personally decision. Its up to the individual. I also challenge you and the owners of the website to define “black American†culture and religion. The scientific definition of race cannot and will not be changed but culture can be. We can either result to fear, and anger or we can look at the **possibilities**. This discussion can end on the high moral ground versus shattering to pieces. Those of who aren’t married to the same race or culture of men doesn’t mean we can’t support black American families, anyone should safe and stable family life.
Peace
P.S. Since we are sharing books here are a few of my favorites:
1.When and Where I Enter: The Impact of Black Women on Race and Sex in America Paula J. Giddings
2.Too Heavy a Load: Black Women in Defense of Themselves, 1894-1994 Deborah Gray White
3.We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity bell hooks
4.The Other African Americans: Contemporary African and Caribbean Families in the United States Yoku Shaw-Taylor (Author)
5.Black Identities: West Indian Immigrant Dreams and American Realities Mary C. Waters
6.Ethnic Options: Choosing Identities in America [Paperback]Mary C. Waters
Great blog you have, the posts here are very well written. Thanks!
The best thing any black man reading my post can do is to take my words seriously. The world is watching you, and laughing at you. Most of the world is not as in love with you as you are with yourselves. Yes, sex is your downfall (Tiger, Magic, etc.). I urged black women to look outside of their/our race because at this point in time, you do not make good mates. Your hedonism makes you untrustworthy. Again, I believe this is due to a need to assuage the rage that boils within you at a world that treats you like outcasts. But it is time to grow up and stop using sex as a way to cope. Put aside your physical needs for just a minute and use that energy to get and keep jobs and commit to your families. Only then will you be taken seriously. The world is passing you by…your antics aren’t excusable anymore, and you are becoming the largest burden to society (criminal justice system, welfare system, healthcare system). No one wants to share the world with people who don’t take responsibility for their actions. And black women have become weary of defending and forgiving you. We want what other women want – someone to share our lives with. Someone we don’t have to worry about “defiling his body with another person” (Corinthians). Someone who has the self-respect and honor black men had long ago. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Am I that man?”
@Linda
This is a blog about black people who are Married and often raising families so the men who come here are not the men you are talking about and you are unnecessarily being offensive to those that read and post here. You are not likely to find “that man” here, but I think you knew that already.
@Busybee
Non sequiter.
I agree that people have the right to make their own choices and that includes the race of your spouse. Hopefully the choice will not be made based on racism, but no matter the reason for the choice, people have the right to make it for themselves. I personally chose to marry a black man although I have dated men of different races.
@T
“Should Black Women Start Dating Men of Other Races?”
“Could Black women let go of the “wince†if we were open to dating men of other races or does exploring the options mean giving up on the idea of finding a good Black man?”
Clearly, these words quoted directly from the author’s post, indicate that this blog is not in fact about people who are already married and raising families.
Since I am not omniscient I don’t know what type of men (or women) read and post here.
My words may offend, they may not offend. But I am not, nor will ever be, the only black woman who is brave enough to speak the truth. Black men can either learn from what I and other black women have to say or they can continue on the path to ruin. Earth will continue to revolve.
@Linda
Your view of “truth” is subjective. Then again, the same goes for everyone. But the way you make hasty and sweeping generalizations about us black man is offensive and ignorant on some level. Just because you may have encountered some guys like that doesn’t mean we’re all like that.
Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You must’ve met the wrong guys. Neither I, my father, my grandfather, nor my great grandfather were as you describe. None of the other black guys I know are that way either.
you say you speak the truth. But what you speak is only half truth. A gourd split down the middle can’t hold water.
marinate on that for a moment.
-LosT
*men
BLACK WOMEN TODAY ON THIS TOPIC ACT AS IF TO SAY BEING A BLACKMAN IS SOMETHING SECOND RATE.THAT IT IS CRAZY IN AMERICA TO TRY TO MAINTAIN HARMONY AMONG YOUR OWN RACE. IF MANY OF YOU FEEL THIS WAY PLEASE DATE OUT YOUR RACE , LEAVE THE REST OF US BLACK MEN ALONE YOU SUCK AS WOMEN.,YOU NEVER HAD OUR BACK FROM THE JUMP.
Look, I’m a proponent of interracial relationships entirely, but whites are not a good market for us. All kinds of research data and historical legacies do not yield many opportunities among them. Plus, whites still have deep-seated racial views toward black women and I don’t think this will ever change. Now, a European man probably would be a lot better to deal with because there hasn’t been that same kind of history, but American whites should be the last in terms of interest and they are very mean spirited men in general. Other men of color according to studies are far more open toward black women i.e. latinos, indians, middle eastern, and native americans. So, I would suggest that you invest more focus in these guys and leave white and black men alone. They both have a lot of issues, there’s bad blood between us, and we’ve had our day with them any way. Time for a new chapter.
Hello, I totally agree with this post by LoctusBud. I am a black woman who finally understands one thing… Love comes in many different colors. As Maya Angelo stated “When you know better, you do better”.
Glad I didn’t listen to “anonymous” opinions when I got married to the love of my life!