by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Yesterday Harriet wrote a great post about avoiding danger zones in marriage. Today I want to talk about the place that I see as one of the most potentially dangerous hot spots for couples right now. That place is Facebook.
Picture this. I get a friend request from someone I used to date that I haven’t thought about in years. I leave the request sitting in the friend request box because I always feel bad ignoring requests. At some point as I’m clearing out those people that are lingering in friend request purgatory, I hit accept. And that’s when I get sucked down the rabbit hole and land in Facebook hot lava.
Wondering what he is doing now I look at his information page and see that he is now married. Knowing that he is now married I wonder what his wife looks like (and if she’s cuter than me..don’t act like you don’t think about that ladies!). So I start to look at his photo albums. Before I know it I’m all in his house, on his family vacation, in the club for his birthday and finding out that he had Denny’s for breakfast without stepping foot from behind my computer.
The curiosity never went beyond that point but I had to think about my thought process. I had no intention to do wrong but having constant access to those exes, high school crushes, and old flames opens up the opportunity. If he had just crossed my mind I probably would have thought “I wonder what he’s doing now” and moved on. If I had seen him walking down the street, we may have caught up quickly and kept it moving. But by “friending” that person on Facebook I had the opportunity to interact with him daily and it just felt wrong. So I deleted him as a friend.
I don’t believe that most people go in to a marriage believing that they will ever cheat. However temptation is real and even things you never thought of can appear enticing if you are dealing with marital problems. As solid as I feel my marriage is, we don’t get along every minute of every day. I don’t need to get into an argument with my husband and have my ex be the one that pops up on Facebook chat.
One of the best ways to avoid failure is minimizing your opportunity to fail. Guarding yourself against infidelity is similar to protecting yourself from eating unhealthy foods. I never eat or even think about eating chocolate chip cookies unless they are in my house. Yet if they are in front of my face, while I can still avoid them, I have to battle mentally against the temptation and that is a battle that I don’t need.
If social networking sites like Facebook and others keep everyone connected, how do you set boundaries between who you should or should not be connected to? Is it ok to be friends with an ex? Is Facebook a relationship danger zone?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Harriet and I had a (private) conversation about this yesterday! I tend to think women might be more aware of “danger zones” than men are. Men tend to recognize when things have gone too far a little later than when we do…Great post!
I agree Tara. I don't necessarily think that temptation is more real for men than it is for women. I do think that women are usually more likely to step back and see the big picture behind an action while men just look at the action itself. I don't think its just that way with infidelity danger zones either. Even with the kids. If we go to a cookout, my husband just sees a cookout and I'm busy scoping out all of the potential danger that my son could fall in to!
I agree to an extent. For men yes I do agree that they have to find out the hard way. But in the case of women, if he seemed to have been the one who got away or the one who was the most physically satisfying for her, then temptation holds a stronger bond for her. And Aja could not of replied a more perfect response to all else I feel is perfect to this post.
I had a similar situation. My ex who I was in love with still after I got married, asked to be my friend on FB and I denied him, because I knew that was a temptation I didnt need in my rocky marriage. Well my suggestion is to leave a hello message and say nice talking with you, but dont accept a friend request. If you FB like I do… you will see them more than needed and the enemy will have them pop up at the wrong time!
I just have one question…Why would you marry a man if you were still in love with another man??
men do it too..
men do it too..
For security, many women do..
Because you’ve made the decision to love another and MOVE ON! 🙂 There’s a reason you’re no longer with the ex. But when you truly love someone (ex or whomever) that love doesn’t leave. But that doesn’t mean that’s the best person or even the correct person you’re destined to share you’re life with or even the rest of your life. Question: Does loving an ex give you the red light to never move on? I personally believe still loving your ex is a sign of being capable of truly loving and the signs of a forgiving heart. Michael – Great question! 🙂
You obviously are confused and don’t truly love your husband. The ex you were still in love with was probably from some dysfunctional bs you just chose to hang on to even though you had a new man. Seek counseling fast. You’re still in game mode.
Exes get the big old “BLOCK”… they are exes for a reason! Keep it that way, especially if you are married or in a committed relationship.
I think it depends. I'm not friending anyone that I had sex with during my years of dating, because I'm not trying to call back to my memory stuff we did. There are no exceptions to that rule for me. As far as exes are concerned, I have had more trouble with the long lost buddies ol' pals than ex boyfriends. I just had to delete someone that I had quite a bit of respect for. He, too, is a writer, and I told him he was “imperfectly perfect” for me, so I had to hit “remove from friends” before my emotions wrecked me.
All in all, Aja, “One of the best ways to avoid failure is minimizing your opportunity to fail.” That's the best way I've heard it summed up in a while. What you said! LOL
I have always had a no communication policy with my exes both online and off. I don't look at it as avoiding temptation but respecting my spouse. There is nothing honoring to my wife about talking with and ex.
Great comment!!!
AMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEENNNNN,I WOUDL DEFINATELY HAVE TO AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY ON THAT!!
AMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEENNNNN,I WOUDL DEFINATELY HAVE TO AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY ON THAT!!
Exactly!!!! Respect comes FIRST!!!!
Wowsers. That was a close call. “The road to Hell was paved with good intentions”. Sometimes catching up with an old flame can lead you to have an emotional affair, or an affair in your mind. Wisdom reserves for having better judgement. We all have a past, we just have to remember that it was the past and not try to resurrect it. Excellent article.
i wish my significant other shared your wisdom…..
I LIKEWISE!!!!!!!!!!
wow ms jackson this is a great article it is so real but why is it that men are so oblivious to this type of temptation all u ladies please pray for me because i am afraid my husband falls because he was a “player” and women are always so sweet to him I pray but I don't know how many of u read Joyce Myers book battlefeild of the mind, i constantly need to renew my mind and ask God for his peace
This is a great subject! It is so easy to fall into an emotional affair. And I agree fully that men are not as aware of the situation until they are already in it. I am so glad you mentioned that because for a long time (actually until today) I really believed that my husband was playing the dumb role when it came to some of the potential situations he has ALMOST gotten himself in. Now I know its not an act lol…and that its universal.
Good read!
Deep!!!!!!!!! We are all grown and mature adults and know what RISKS we are taking when flirting with the devil!!!! Therefore, I think we all know our boundaries & limitations… I've seen many people rationalize if the grass is greener on the other side and MOST of them fall prey to what, NOTHING!!!!!!
@ PLJ, I agree with you 150%, an ex is an ex for a damn good reason!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Aja for a GREAT post!!!
LOL…Mama told me that the grass probably IS greener on the other side…but more than likely, it's astroturf!
My Pastor always says this!!!!
Let's examine this further. If you turn grass over to the other side, all you see is dirt.
I hear you on this one, I have a situation where my husband of 20 years is friends with his hs girlfriend. No she was/is close with many family members and we see each other frequently over the years, she was even at our wedding. Now she is friends with him and and all of his family, I sent a friend request and I got accepted. What kind of “fraganaggle bull is that?” I mentioned this to him and he was like it's no big deal, now we have no secrets I know his password and he knows mine, we go in each other's accounts all the time. I have deleted her a couple of time off of his list but she ends up back after a while. What do you think about this situation. I know my husband loves me and I know he is not involved with her but it's the principle of the matter. Why be friends with my husband and not me. What are you thoughts?
I would be very concerned if I were in your situation. We have the same rule that someone else posted earlier – no friends with exes – what point is there? My exe's wife was at my wedding too, that's doesn't make us friends. It's not about passwords or any of that…if you ask your spouse not to be friends with his ex, he should honor your request out of respect for you and your marriage – if it's really “no big deal” then why is it so hard to no be her friend? I'm not saying your husband is unfaithful but he may be walking into a landmine and not treading carefully will cause an explosion in your otherwise happy marriage.
Well got home and we read the article/comments together and we decided that there will be no exs on either page. Unfriended and blocked just in case.
The wisest thing to do is avoid those kinds of connections to individuals all together! Marriage is about communication, I believe every couple should have these kinds of talks to discuss their personal boundaries in their marriage.
This helps shield and protect their relationship and the interigity of their marriage to one another. This is a very healthy discussion and I appreciate you guys taking it there, sometimes we are passive about certain issues until every thing hits the fan! We should always be pro-active not “reactive” . I believe in what you guys do keep pressing forward!
Thanks for clearing this up for me….there has been recent activity for me on FB that made me question my own sanity. Men from the past should stay that way, especially if they see you are married (whether happily or not) and not rock the boat for someone they have had no connection with in years. I have some house cleaning to do and this cemented the deal for me. I am a people person and love to chat and catch up, but the ex is a danger zone and believe me, it can cause emotional problems by finding fault in the little things about your spouse that never bothered you before. Instead of remembering why they were an 'ex' in the first place, the good times seem to replace all the hurt and disappointment that caused the break up. I appreciate this more than you know. God sends us messages in subtle ways and this was the one for me!
It is very difficult to keep the lines of communication where they SHOULD be when 'friending' an ex online. No matter what the system (Facebook, chat rooms, etc) there is a danger of 'saying' too much. Words typed on a screen cannot be interpreted as easily as those said face-to-face. If you wouldn't call the person in the presence of your spouse and say what you typed to them, or say it to their face with your spouse present, why start that mess online?
My husband of nearly 20 years did not understand this until it nearly blew our marriage apart. He 'friended' an old girlfriend on FB. I knew who she was, but did not know they were in contact. Messages passed back and forth, borderline flirtatious, until he had a business trip in her area and she agreed to drive TWO HOURS to see him in the airport and “say hi”. I found out about it, told him I was uncomfortable with it, and he sent her a message saying they could not meet.
Somewhere between that conversation and his actual trip, he changed his mind. Ended up having a two-hour lunch with this woman and called ME during the lunch to have me talk to her on the phone – as if THAT would make it better. She repeatedly told me “I don't remember you” as if to say, “I have no loyalty to you”. I told her to give him back the phone, told him off in no uncertain terms and told him that if he wanted to be married when he came home, he'd better cut that crap out right NOW. It took a couple of days of arguing, discussing, crying and hurt feelings before he realized how it made ME feel. He has cut off contact with her – and all his other online former 'girlfriends' or friends who are girls, or whatever. He spends much less time online chatting and messaging them, and more time with me.
It is dangerous – there is a tendency to say things online you would NEVER say in person – it's best not to start it. Then you don't have to go back and fix the problem you created.
“there is a tendency to say things online you would NEVER say in person – it's best not to start it. Then you don't have to go back and fix the problem you created.
Great statement. The situation you described is the type of situation that causes unnecessary drama in a marriage and sets up the opportunity for lines to be crossed.
I really don't think realize how the female mind works. He probably had no intentions of doing anything wrong but sistah-girl obviously had another agenda. Any woman willing to drive 2 hrs to see an old friend at the airport has something up her sleeves. I hope your husband realiizes now that when you say something it not to have control over him, it's about keeping integrity in your marriage. My husband is starting to see that I am right in a lot of the observations that I make about people in general when they are not right, especially women. May God restore the trust in your relationship and use this time as a building block to a stronger committment to your vows.
Several exes are friends on FB, and we have had the inbox conversation akin to the “sidewalk” catch up conversation, and have never “spoken/typed” another word – and I can honestly say I have never had the curiosity to go check out their photo albums LOL! There are also exes that are blocked from finding me on facebook because they have displayed signs in previous encounters of not being able to let go of the past, and I know that any encounter with them, on Facebook, the sidewalk or otherwise, would not be healthy – not because they would threaten my commitment to my marriage, but because it is so not worth the potential drama.
I think it depends on the person's mindset, and how one handles on-line communication. On-line communication has always been for me the same as communicating in person. I never say anything “behind the keyboard” that I would not say in person. And exes are exes for a reason – if you've had the “what-if” conversation in your mind or with that person, reconnecting with them on facebook – for me at least – does not change the scenario of why they became exes in the first place.
Again, it comes down to knowing the danger zones. If that person presents any type of concern, even one where I find I'm overly curious about that person, I'm not accepting or sending a friend request. It's really that simple. I can handle those. Some of my exes are doing so much better than I ever thought they would be, are happily married and Christian men, and I'm really happy to vibe with them and see that growth – and I have no regrets because I know that I'm with who God intended 100%.
To answer the question, hell naw. Once an ex, keep 'em an ex. And if you're in a relationship…..well, don't start none, won't be none.
Nope, have not will not. lol. but i have also surfed for the pics and such. it is nice to see folks in your past doing well and doing okay. no regrets in my past.
Great points Aja. I have been in similar situations. But for me once the newness of catching up with them again has worn off, I was okay with having them as friends. I can understand how some could get caught up. It's easy if you don't have clear boundaries in place and know how not to cross that line. On the flip side too, seeing my husband as friends with his ex, had me troubled, but then I thought about the type of conversations I've had with my ex's and feel confident that he is doing the same.
🙂 Great article… Wish I had something to say.. but I am happily single and very few exes to resist. (Hopefully someone caught the punchline)
I do have ex's on my friend list and the conversation after the acceptance of the friend request has been a basic salutation or absolutely no contact at all. That being said there is one ex in particular that I would never accept. It's a Pandora's box type situation that i will glady leave in the past. I know my limitations. 🙂
One of the problems I find with social networking site users and Internet users as a whole is that they fail to realize that technology has become so interwoven into our offline lives, the line between the two is barely visable anymore. With that being said, I feel it is appropriate to set the same boundaries online as you would offline. If you wouldn't befriend this person in the flesh, why friend them in the megapixel? Often people cite being friends with someone on Facebook or MySpace as something they do just because it doesn't really matter. However, if someone slanders you or harrasses you online, watch how quickly that affects your offline life. Again, the lines are blurry.
Personally, I don't think it's okay to befriend an ex on any social networking site. Having dealt with this recently, I feel as though we're not friends in real life, so why bother? Although the past is just that, it doesn't mean all the thoughts and feelings are gone. All it takes is a few reminiscent moments and you could endanger all that you've worked for in your relationship with your significant others. Not to mention, who really knows the true intentions of an ex who requests you as a friend after you practically fell off the face of the Earth after your break up… (I went M.I.A. for a reason…)
Facebook is a relationship danger zone. So many believe what they do online has no weight on their offline lives, however the evidence of the contrary is all around you. People have lost jobs, been expelled from school, denied promotions, all because of what was (or wasn't) on a Facebook page. I think the same precautionary measures taken in the offline world in regards to protecting your relationship should be taken online as well.
I am not a big user of facebook. Part of it is I am older and have things to do. I do snail mail to friends still and some of them were lovers in college.
Nonetheless the conversation is not about us but what is going on w/ my family and theirs. The distance keeps everything where it belongs. Remeber you can get into the same trouble w/ a phone.
im am a happy man married 3yrs my wife has a friend that got in the pitcure when i was messing up …since then fb came along and they linked up then they would txt it got so bad that when she wld tell me she was to busy at work to tlk she and him wld text…..going off of what saw why dose a man ask a women about weather she like victoria secrets or fredrick (real tlk us men dont care about the lotion or robe…those r covo's that i feel no man should keep quiet on but thats what she wants…. she sd that i because she forgave me that i slh take it like she did …but i cant help but to think around him she wish to jus hav fun and”she emailed him that im childish for not wanting them to tlk i can not help but to think that when she sd that “I DO”she did think as i am in a wheelchair and cant help but to think that everthing is to much
the sad thing is his wife dose not like them tlk but she is not worried about how she feels.they have always tlk no matter who they were with …it is a funny position to be in when at a time i pay no attention to how she looked ….why shld she (im i going crazy)now he know that i hav no pull with my own wife ….never show another manor woman thit they r higher up on the totum pole …now i have to wait untill she figures out that this is wrg …i wish i had my leggs
that is sad to hear. truly, your wife is disrespecting you and your marriage AND herself. but i'm sure you know that. the question is, does she?
sounds like the behavior and the attitude/mindset behind it are operating out of a vengeful spirit…and full of immaturity. just because you've done wrong doesn't give her the license to do the same. first it makes her look foolish and second, disingenious for remaining with you after your behavior but not trying to work through it to get to a better place.
i don't really have any suggestions/advice for you, but to say, be careful with your own heart and at the end of the day, make sure that above all YOU are respecting YOURSELF and your wife through this. you are still in a committed relationship, so you should remain committed until she decides she wants to walk away.
i just want to say i'm sorry.
All I can say is several of my ex's are my FB friends because we ended as friends, but my previous love before my husband, refuses to friend me back and neither will any of his family members…I thought we ended as friends, he was the one that broke my heart but we were together so long that I thought we were still cool. Oh, well, I tell FB will make it very clear sometimes where you stand with people from your past!!
Great post. I've heard folks on both sides of the debate but I generally don't friend exes. I'm not even in a relationship now but I've come to realize that sometimes God closes doors not only to keep others out but also to stop us from going back in.
Thank you, Je for your good wishes – I believe that God has done just that…he has definitely worked on ME! I no longer check my spouse's FB page daily (used to check it multiple times a day due to his activity) and he no longer contacts anyone that I'm not comfortable with. I agree with you that the woman in question did indeed have something up her sleeve – not necessarily malicious, but definitely needy. She wanted a shoulder to cry on, someone to make her feel good about herself and her lack of a committed relationship, and felt my husband was the one to do that for her. I have some sympathy for her, but she's got to find someone else to salve her bruised ego – NOT my husband.
We as women in committed relationships MUST remain consistent in our messages to our spouses – and husbands should respect their spouses' feelings on matters like these. Too often we brush off a spouse's concern with “Oh, it's nothing” when in fact is IS something. I feel certain that if the situation were reversed and I drove 2 hours to meet an old boyfriend for “coffee” at an airport which turned into a two-hour lunch, then called an put HIM on the phone with my husband, there would have been a VERY different resolution…
Wish our guys would trust us more often – it would keep them out of trouble. Meanwhile, I continue to pray daily – and I believe my marriage is blessed, because we made it through and are stronger than ever.
Good topic. My friend has had recent problems in her marriage for this very reason. I'm single but I still respect boundaries. I found myself falling into serious like with a guy that had a girlfriend and I have never made my feelings known to him or disrespected their relationship but the more I read about him on FB the more my feeling grew. It didn't help that he was GOD fearing and respecting his woman. That made me like him all the more. I ended up having to deactivate him as a friend because I didn't want to create what could have been an issue. It's too bad other women/men don't do the same.
The question is do we truly control our own minds and when we marry how serious do we take it??? Attraction is attraction sometime we can consider this LUST. Where do we draw the line between fantasy and who is truly important? If your meant to be with a person then it happens if your not then the past should be left in the past. It's not about jealousy or insecurity it's about respect. How much do we really value our marriages? Now I personally think that the befriending exes online is not a good idea. What is the purpose if it truly? If your married please explain to me why that would be a good idea?? A relationship of your past should not even matter to you honestly if you truly feel you are with the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with…We need to put the euro basket novels down and turn off the soap operas. They our clouding our judgment. Everyone knows marriage is not peaches and cream all the time. It is what it is, but you work on it and you don't let outsides from your past take it from you. Trust if they truly wanted you in the first place they would have made it work in the first place. Don't be fooled by the “oh what could have happens” focus on the now and how you got to where you are. That should be a common sense people unspoken RESPECT! Someone give me a example how any communication with an ex is respectful….I'll wait..
P.S.
Do realize a lot of times people's egos are the causing of them trying to see if they quote “still got you.” There is no reason for an ex to be longing to talk with you unless they are trying to get you to stroke their ego. Beware of this for some this it some what of a game. Trust me as a man I know…Sorry fellas but I gotta keep it real….some woman probably are just as guilty also!!
Aja, this was an excellent article that I could not bypass. I had to address this issue with my husband after he elected to be friends with his ex-wife on Facebook. I seriously had a problem with this beacuse he did not have contact with her until my mother-in-law contacted her on the phone and opened up a whole new can of worms. As women, we have to respect one another and keep in mind that you treat people the same way that you want to be treated. When the ex-wife was in a relationship and my husband was single she had no contact with him because she had respect for her boyfriend so I know that I deserve the same respect. An EX is jus that a BIG OLD X. When I put my trash out to the corner I leave it. HOLLA!!!! Just keeping it REAL!!!
Great Post & Discussion…..My recent status actually read; ~The *GraSS* is AlWaYs GrEEner on the………SiDe that u *CULtiVATE*!!! Water it sometimes, pick out the Weeds!! AnYtHing Worth Having, MusT take Effort & Maintenance!! StOp AdMiring the neighbors grass they may have MoLes!! =)~
Best response yet! No one else noted that Facebook is public forum; no matter what your settings. And respecting and valuing the relationship is more important than any other friendship you have. I definitely agree!
Best response yet! No one else noted that Facebook is public forum; no matter what your settings. And respecting and valuing the relationship is more important than any other friendship you have. I definitely agree!
Depends on the what the status of that relationship was. If it ended and there was closure, no harm no foul if your significant other is not a paranoid insecure person. In most cases, if the person is happy there is no room for drama because you are not entertaining it!!
I know first hand that becomming a friend of an ex on facebook is the fastest way to making the one your with your next ex. If your in a relationship you should never have that type of access to a former flame cause it creates to much temptaion on those not so good days in the relationship. If your married the only way to face book is to share a page with your spouse. My wife andu00a0I have found that this has eliminated all the curiosity, guessing games and insecuritiesu00a0facebook can manifest.
A lot of great post. I certainly agree that it is a danger zone. So Exes should get blocked. fb or not one should operate with integrity.
what if the ex, you are communicating with is your spouses ex-wife and the mother of their child? Initially, my spouse was very rude to his ex; and I simply commented that he should at least be cordial. He took that too far, and began confiding in her, revealing personal things about our relationship, complaining and whining to her. When I told him that their communication with one another (constant emails, texting, etc., not related to their child); he told her I was trippin and was jealous of her. Not only is she his face book friend, his family and her are close and she kept the grand kids this summer and I wasnot permitted to see them. I am truly not jealous, and I still believe the relationship should be cordial, especially for the childs sake; however, what goes on in our home is between us and should not be discussed with the ex-wife or anyone else. She has gotten so comfortable to the point that she asks for money and favors. All he keeps saying is, “I am not interested in her; you don’t need to worry about that.” Now he does not even say that, he justs sneaks around and leaves me out when events happen and she is included; such as his daughter’s birthday party. I was not permitted to attend, however, everyone else was there (his family members) and the ex-wife.
Wow. I nearly avoided a simular spiral. I had to pull the plug by giving my husband the choice between his future and his past. Lucky he choose the future. It was hard because I was rasised with a mom who believed that women should support each other and thier kids. But when you are the one in getting stompped on, you need to preserve your dignity and self respect. If your spouse thinks you are worth it, he will make the change and the rest of the world will have to conform if they value and respect you, your relationship and are God fearing.You may have to plan your safe exit (emotionally & finacially), by the time you are ready (don’t take too long) you will be stronger. I am so sorry you are being disrespected. God bless and good luck.
This is a very good topic, As I read thru most of the responses, it appears that we are all thinking along the same lines, an ex is an ex for a reason; no need to play the blame game. My rule is not back track; a personal rule based upon experience, because each time I’ve broken it and looked back, I’ve put another unnecessary hurdle in my life. I can’t look back and move forward. Two good biblical references come from the Old Testament in which Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt for looking back; and I think, TD Jakes has used this one from I John 2:19, that basically says if they were to be with you until the end then they would have stayed. Some people are only meant to be in our lives for a reason for a season or forever… If you were in my past, I won’t look for you there but should God bring you into my future then that is different. ( Be mindful, per the consensus), that we are often being tested, also seek the source, When random folk suddenly appear I ask who sent you?
I have also come into contact with people who have made lasting impressions upon my life, when they, as Jill Scott says”Cross My Mind” I send up a prayer, if prompted by the spirit, I may even send a little email stating “,I Hope all is well, because you were on my mind.. But even in this, we still get wires crossed miscommunication. Communicate openly and directly with one another, that will kill all the confusion.
Peace and Blessings,
ARaq
I’m friends with a couple of high school and college exes. After the 1st ‘hey what have you been doing for 20 years?’. we don’t inbox, just ‘like’ or comment out on the wall about family pics, graduations, etc. Everything is in the open and highly sporadic. The key is I’m happily married and have no time and/or inclination for emotional hand holding. If you have a life (a real life), the FB virtual life will have no hold on you.
I am single and made a RULE,despite their invites never to be friends with anyone that I have been in a relationship with….I just don’t want their to even be the APPEARANCE that I am conflicted when I meet my LAST boyfriend….
I am single and made a RULE,despite their invites never to be friends with anyone that I have been in a relationship with….I just don’t want their to even be the APPEARANCE that I am conflicted when I meet my LAST boyfriend….
Andrea Denise Ballard the only person on here with some actual ssense!
I have exes on my page, I am married some of them are married or in relationships, we don’t try to hook-up or anything like that. I think it’s a mind thing and how strong or weak you are when it comes down to things like that. I have continued to be friends with my exes after we broken up and it’s a hello, how are you relationship and that’s it. I think it’s all in the person.
X IS AN X FOR A REASON!!!!!!!!!!! What if they have kids together?????
I think that If friedning an ex on facebook is an issue then the real problem is the relationship. and men arent always the ones in question,,I have severla exs on FB and a in a relationship and do not feel or see any temptation,,mainly becasue,,THEYRE EXES,,and they are exes for a reason, and if your mind travels down that road, you’ll bump inot “why they are an ex” and keep it moving. Consider it a form of moving bckwards, and all temptation will be gone.
I think it depends on the type of ex. If it’s someone you dated in high school for like a year…and you are 35 now, and both of you have “grown up and out” of that relationship, then why not? But with exes where there is a history…watch out! My BF had two long-term relationships before me, including a child with one of them…and he is not (or never will be) friends with them on Facebook. When you have an ex, you really need to purge them from your life; especially if you want to move on.
I am still Facebook friends with some exes that I had deeper relationships with. I just met my BF…and I’ve had Facebook since 2006. One of them sent a PM to me saying that he thought my pictures were “sexy”. Oh no. I didn’t unfriend him, but I had to shoot that comment down. So yes, proceed with caution!
I like this post. I totally agree. I personally don’t friend any males who aren’t my relative. I do it because I know me and friending another man wouldn’t be good, it’ll be a temptation to compare my sweet husband to another man as well as other things that can possibly happen so I don’t go there. Great post!
I’ve been searching for some common sense advice like this….thank you! My husband continues to recieve a friend request from the same old girl friend. He ‘dated” her off and on for over 20 yrs. before we met and married 10yrs ago (yes, we are in our 50s!) Is this a new form of stalking?
I am not a guy who thinks chatting with the opposite sex online as a matter of course is OK when you are in a committed relationship. However, I have a problem with where the boundary should be.
My girlfriend and I have a longstanding committed relationship and it is virtually trouble-free. I violated the trust by chatting online with an old girlfriend years ago. I was apologetic and contrite and have never done it again – it was wrong.
The problem is now that my girlfriend has made it very clear that any conversation or any friendship with any woman beyond discussing the weather is potentially a problem.
I have virtually zero contact with women friends online or offline. I have a couple of old girlfriends as Facebook friends and there is zero communication beyond “Happy Birthday.” She knows my password and can log in to my account any time she wishes. We have had two problems in the past few months. The first time I made a over-complimentary comment on a friend’s picture. I was only joking but I mention the word “drool” – it was not a provocative picture but my girlfriend got very upset. I deleted the comment, apologized and offered to unfriend the other woman, although she had done nothing wrong.
Today I was friended by a close friend I worked with for two years when I was in high school – 30 years ago. We were very good friends and that was the nature of our relationship until I was on my way to college and we hooked up one time. I saw her maybe once or twice early in college but nothing more ever happened and I never saw her or spoke to her again. After 30 years, we found each other on Facebook and had a brief conversation about “how are you” with nothing inappropriate. Unfortunately, although it started as a facebook e-mail, it turned into a “chat” (on FB they are interchangeable) because I happened to be online at the time. As I was at my girlfriend’s house starting a movie, a few minutes of chat became a problem and not thinking, I didn’t immediately quit because it was nice to hear from my close friend after so long.
I realize I shouldn’t have been talking to ANYONE during our time together – I never do unless it’s my kids. However, this is a tough one because it was nothing more than a close friendship that was more than that for one afternoon 30 years ago. I am not looking for regular contact with her or anyone else. However, it’s being made increasingly clear to me that any contact I have with any woman is suspect. I am willing and happy to behave myself for the love of my life – it makes her happy and it’s the right thing to do. However, at what point does it become more her issues than mine? I have had many more sexual partners than she has over the years so the chance of contact with one of mine is far more likely; however now they’ve all been characterized as “some woman I f***ed” and the problem before that was with someone I had never had any relationship with, online or off.
At the same time, she has been invited for drinks with an old boyfriend from high school – they never slept together but did everything else. They have corresponded and while they haven’t gone out yet, she now says she’s going to go so the rules will be the same. Personally, I wouldn’t have cared if she saw a good friend after 25 years – I trust her – but why don’t the same rules apply?
I am not looking to “hang out” with women online or off. I want to do the right thing and I am willing to go the extra mile but I would also like some other input. Her representation is that any woman would feel the same way and every man in a relationship either understands that, moves on or cheats. I would like to live within reasonable and fair boundaries – what should they be?
Your situtation is exactly what I’m taling about. My husband has had ‘many more ‘sexual partners’ than me and a few of them have not given up hope with him by what I gather from their comments on Facebook and emails. You as a man may think of these conversations as not a problem but the exes would be a part of the past and left there if not for social media. A fair boundary would be if you don’t have contact by phone…..you don’t need contact by Facebook.
Knaderson seems to be one of the few people who doesn’t see herself as as some kind of exaholic. If there are any doubts, do what you need to do. Otherwise, are we really so weak as a race that we have to have to literally block communication of any kind from someone we used to date, no matter how long or minimal the relationship and no matter how it ended? I think that’s pretty said and yeah, I get it that I have to live that way but I still think it’s sad that no one can live by the rules and even sadder that everyone thinks it somehow reflects exclusively on your current companion. As I said in another comment, I have a very good friend from high school I haven’t talked to for 30 years. We were very close friends and spent one afternoon together before I went to college – nothing more and never again. I found her on FB and even though she was like a big sister to me (except for 2 hours 30 years ago) she is now just some woman I “f***d” so I can’t even say hello. That’s unfortunate.
I think we often paint with too wide a brush. As you mentioned in the article, there are other mitigating factors in the equation. I have friends on my page I dated and shared physical intimacy with yet there is no temptation. However, human nature does cause one to consider other realities when things are not going well at home.
People were creeping long before Facebook so I think Facebook gets a bad rap. Each person must know how to possess their own vessel. Because person A is tempted does not warrant an across the board ban. The issue lies within the the heart of the individual. One will only creep if they are creepable. Does Facebook provide a platform, yes. But so does your job, school, the club, church ministry, etc. Sin is a heart issue not a Facebook issue.
Great post, keep up the good work.
No i would not befriend that person, that’s like keeping old phone numbers in your phone of your exes..To close for reach don’t do it!!!