So I’ve been weeding out fake friends in my life lately and I realize I only have three or four really good friends. At the top of the list is my husband, who has been my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my partner in every sense of the word since we hooked up five years ago. He’s seen me through two physically draining pregnancies, a race to finish my bachelor’s degree, one mild bout of postpartum depression, and the countless ups and downs of my writing career.
It’s easy for your significant other or spouse to become your best friend by default. You see them pretty much every day, they see you when you’re stressed, they see you naked multiple times a week (I hope!) and if you have kids, sharing that responsibility is enough to bond you to each other for life.
But should that be the case? Or should you seek the counsel of friends outside your relationship to make sure you don’t “lose yourself”? I try to have a nice balance between spending time with the hubs and with my other friends. But typically, any relationship problems we have, I don’t discuss them with my friends. Not ever. Only the two of us know what’s going on and how issues develop. My friends don’t have that knowledge. They don’t need to know and I don’t feel compelled to tell them.
BMWK readers, is your significant other your best friend or do you bestow that title on someone else in your inner circle?
TheDad says
From what I’ve seen from running this site answer is yes! A while back I ran a post asking people to say why they love their spouse since we often only talk about the bad things with each other and so many of the comments came back saying, “he/she is my best friend”. Thats the case with me and TheMom and I think it creates a special bond in your marriage.
Linda Dominique Grosvenor says
Yes it does create a special bond when the husband and wife are best friends and I agree with not sharing information with other about what’s going on in your life. That’s the thing with friends, you have to confide in them and I myself have had to weed out some bad seeds. Just imagine the damage they could do if they became disgruntled and started wanting to spread the business. A great topic for discussion. That’s why I love this site.
Linda Dominique Grosvenors last blog post..Linda Dominique Grosvenor commented on the blog post ‘Why You Must Understand Past Relationships to Get the Love You Deserve Today’
MoAfrika says
My wife is my best friend. Besides her there are two other but given the choice, I always rather be with her: drinking, golfing, baking, churching, gossiping, bloggin, etc. I believe I need a life.
Melanie says
I think it’s a case by case situation. For most marriages because of the great deal of time spent together it would be natural for your spouse to become your best friend. I think it’s pretty darn awesome.
Harriet says
My husband is my best friend, no doubt about it.
But I have an inner circle of FEMALE friends that I run things by. Most of them are married, but I have a couple of single ladies that I allow in my space from time to time.
The only other men that I am transparent with are the husbands of the wives I tend to hang out with, and only if we’re making it a couples’ night of dinner, movie and talking.
I personally don’t have a problem with it.
Jonesi says
My fiance is no doubt my best friend based on the fact that he knows everything about me – that’s the beauty of being friends with your mate. Though I’ve had friends who’ve been in my life more than 20 years, only he has complete access to who I am, all I’ve been and go through and all aspects of my life. It has been a blessing to be able to be so open and know he doesn’t judge me and still chooses to love me anyway. Now that is what I call a best friend 🙂 (I just need to work on being a better friend to him)
But it is a must [for me] to maintain my other friendships. I’m slowly but surely learning my boundaries when confiding in my friends and value the unique purposes they each serve in my life. You can’t share everything with everybody, but what sets my fiance apart is that there are no boundaries in our friendship and I appreciate that 🙂
Patra says
Does a spouse knowing EVERYTHING about you…your past trangressions, bad choices and less than stellar lifestyle qualify as “best friends”?
If the answer is yes, then no, my husband and I are not “best friends”, although we love each other dearly and like each each other a whole lot! LOL!!
I believe that some things need to be left unsaid and there are some things a spouse need not know. I have a less than stellar past…oh hell, I’ll just put it out there…I was a ho!! Not in the professional sense, but in the “hey, you’re hot, let’s hit the sheets” sense. One day the sex, partying, drinking, ocassional joint and snort became tired and old. And boring. I wanted more…but I knew that if I wanted to attract a good man, a decent man, I’d have to clean up my act, so I did. Stopped partying, drinking, drugging, sexing, went back to school, changed the way I eat, started exercising, gave up my “friends” who weren’t really friends, just running partners. I eventually made some new friends, who lives were a bit “quiet” – my former “friends” would call them boring. I learned to like “quiet”. Serenity became my goal. I reached it. Then I met the man who became my husband. What does he know about my “past”?
Nothing. And I’d like to keep it that way. I’m not losing a good man because of some rule that dictates we need to tell our mates everything. As for his past…if he has one, I don’t really care to know about it. What I know is that I love him, he loves me, and together we love our little boys.
Jonesi says
@Patra – Different strokes for different folks. And the funny thing is I am a pretty open and honest person by nature, and no my fiance doesn’t know every single detail about my entire existence (I don’t even remember every detail of my life) but he knows more about me than anyone else – friends that is. And for me, I find it liberating that I can be that transparent with another human being who also happens to be my mate. But then again I don’t have anything to hide so I, in no way, can identify with your predicament…..
The beauty of relationships is that they can be however we want them to be 🙂
Harriet says
@ Patra,
I agree with Jonesi. Now, I wasn’t a “ho,” like you said, but my husband was. The beauty of making yourself vulnerable in a relationship is the unconditional promise of acceptance. Secrets have a tendency to be noxious in nature. I’d rather not have any free radicals out there that could potentially threaten our relationship. That’s just me, though.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Patra – Personally, I find your story endearing. Just reading how you’ve changed your life is some powerful stuff. No, your husband doesn’t need to know all the men you slept with and how you liked it and why. But in the general sense, I think our mates should know who we were before the relationship and after.
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Ask the YoungMommy readers: Sex and the single mom?
Anna says
Melanie said:
I think its a case by case situation. For most marriages because of the great deal of time spent together it would be natural for your spouse to become your best friend. I think its pretty darn awesome.
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That’s it. A friend becomes a friend because they listen and know our weakness and stengths, when you share and communicate it only brings you closer to the other person.
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A mother a sister and a childhood friend can still be our best friend. We are allowed more than one. There are things that I share with my sisters who I consider my best friends that I would not share with my husband and vice versa, it does not make any of them any less of a best friend to me.
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Patra,
” Im not losing a good man because of some rule that dictates we need to tell our mates everything. As for his past…if he has one, I dont really care to know about it”
I am not being mean or rude but do you not want to know about his past because you are afraid he will ask you about yours? I don’t ever remember meeting a Saint. Everybody has a past, even if it is something stupid we did yesterday or yester year. Ones past does not define who we are but reminds us that either we have come along way or we can still do better. I think you are wanting to hide from your own past because it bothers you. If he knows the woman you are now that is all that matters to you, that is your choice but I have found that allowing someone to know where I came from helps them to understand me more and love (me)) unconditionally. If I ever met a perfect man I know I would be afraid to make him my husband. LOL. We all have to do what works for us.
Thanks for sharing but I really think it helped you out to get it off your chest. I am not here to judge anyone who comments in the room about their personal life. I like to judge the Octo mom who is Krazy, but to judge is still only someones opinion, unless they have walked in their shoes.
NaturalOasis says
@ Patra,
Although I agree with your need for not revisiting the past I think it maybe therapeutic if you were able to open up to your spouse about some of your past. I personally can relate to alot of your story. I am 30 years old and it took me turning 28 to realize that I had really seen some things in my life that changed the innocent side of me. Mainly the death of my father (to HIV)at 15 and then I met my boyfriend (now husband) almost a year to the day the very next year. He was truly God sent and put up with a lot of stuff from me not dealing with my fathers passing. He is the reason that I graduated high school and the main reason that I made sure to make something of my life. He valued me when I didn’t value myself. We sitback now and talk about all of the stuff that I put him thru and how I hurt him, some of the things I question how could I not have understood that he had to love me to put up with my antics. I must admit it would piss me off everytime he brought it up but he eventually explained to me that he needed to talk about it and let me know how it made him feel and I can now respect that!
**FYI, your post had me feeling like I was reading an excerpt from a long awaited book, just saying!
@ Anna
“Everybody has a past, even if it is something stupid we did yesterday or yester year. Ones past does not define who we are but reminds us that either we have come along way or we can still do better.”
I agree 100%! I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and I know that on those rare occasions (giving the side eye) when I do something less then educated (stupid) as long as when its all said and done that I learn from it and don’t continue to make the same mistake that I will always prevail. If I can’t remember anything else I will always remember that you can’t continue to do things the same and then expect a different result.
Peace & blessings to all!
Arlice Nichole says
I think it definitely helps if you and yours are best friends, LOL! My husband and I share everything, talk about everything, laugh, play. He is truly my best friend. I’m afraid for those who say they will learn to love their partners. Yes, I have met a few of those.
Arlice Nicholes last blog post..Today’s Top Tip: No Therapy In Retail Store Credit Cards
Daisy says
@Patra I agree I see a book in your future as well..lol I am on the opposite end of the spectrum I am 32 and very inexpereinced and most men run the opposite direction..lol So now when I meet somebody knew and certain topics come up I will def. avoid giving up to much information.
I think I would like for my future husband to be one of my best friends.