4. The “Bedtime Story”: Having Sex Too Soon
It’s easier to get good sex than it is to get good directions.
Our culture promotes the idea that as long as it’s two consenting adults, sex is okay. If you have a “connection” or “chemistry,” it’s yours to explore it. Go with it. That’s the popular sentiment in the public square.
Chemistry/physical attraction happens in an instant with or without provocation. It’s an indication that you’re human and that you have sexual desires.
However, it is not a nudge from God that this is “the one.” Blame Hollywood for the confusion. Over the years, Tinsel town has provided the perfect soundscape accompanying thousands of images of men and women that “just knew” when their eyes met at the right moment.
They made passionate love while angelic string ensembles seemed to play from the clouds just above their beds. Unfortunately, life outside the plasma screen doesn’t flow as smoothly as it does on-screen.
There, every move is carefully orchestrated to evoke every possible emotion you can muster. You are then sucked deeper into each scene until its final climactic moment when love is beautifully made before your very eyes.
It’s when you try this at home that you notice the phone calls are fewer and farther between if they don’t just abruptly end altogether.
Of course, this isn’t the case in every instance, but is it worth the gamble for a few moments of “pseudo intimacy?”
I don’t consider sex and intimacy to be interchangeable words.
Often, the word intimacy is used in place of sex because it sounds more sophisticated than saying “I just had sex with someone I barely know.”
The proper interchanging of words can make bad decisions more palatable. However, it does nothing to alter the emotional effects.
It’s like using condoms.
They may reduce the threat of pregnancy or disease, but they do nothing to reduce the shame or emotional harm that results when you realize that you settled for far less than you deserve by sharing your body with someone who you don’t even know well enough to say they deserved it.
5. Too Much Intel: Saying Too MuchToo Soon
Sometimes, improper positioning makes a woman talk too much. Here is an exchange I had yesterday from a follower in my inbox. This will show how subtly a woman can inadvertently put herself in this situation.
Question: “Didn’t you say or haven’t you said that as a woman when meeting a man there is nothing wrong with being clear of your intentions; stating what you want and what you expect?”
Response: No, as the pursuer, the man should be clear with the woman about his intentions. He is the initiator. The woman should be listening and observing for the most part. Women get themselves in trouble when they take on the role of pursuer. Let him do the talking while you listen to discern who he is and if you want to move forward or not.
As for expectations, what can you rightfully expect from a person who has not agreed to anything? What are your expectations based upon without their consent?
Expectations can only be set after agreements have been made. You ‘expect’ someone to keep their promises.
A woman and man should have conversations about what they each need and want. Once both have agreed to meet each other’s needs and wants, you have the ‘expectation’ that the other will keep their word.
There is no reason to have any expectations (beyond normal decency) prior to this exchange.
She was positioning herself to give the man a list of wants and expectations.
There is nothing inherently wrong with that discussion when it’s properly positioned. Let him properly present himself to you.
He stepped into your space seeking to gain access to you and your time. That requires some explanation as to why you should oblige.
- Who is he?
- What does he want?
- why should you grant him the space he desires?
All of these questions should be answered in his presentation of himself while you do most of the listening. If he’s one that’s up to no-good, you have given him all the ammunition that he needs by giving him a list of your wants and needs.
He can make all the right empty promises tailored to your list. I don’t say this for you to put every man on a “watch list.” This does add some protection against predators.
More importantly, you are worth pursuing. Good men still pursue in a manner that honors a woman and not in ways that place her in jeopardy.
BMWK, what are some dating mistakes that you have made?