Event #1: I was at a restaurant, supporting my friend Tiffani’s blog launch. There were a good number of single women there. So…Tiff shouts me out and shouts out my Relationship Bootcamp business I run.
“Hey ladies, I’m going to go to Heath’s Relationship Bootcamp for Singles. We all should go together,” she said encouragingly. That’s when the necks started rolling, teeth started sucking and a chorus of mumbling rang out at the adjacent table.
Event #2: Later the same day, I hosted an afternoon meet-n-greet to welcome some new volunteers into the ministry were I serve. Somehow, I find myself hemmed up in a corner…facilitating an intense conversation between two single women and one poor unsuspecting single man about why black men won’t snatch-up all these available beautiful black women.
“What else can I do?” asked Zatia frustratingly (she was one of the two single women). “I’ve done everything everyone says you’re supposed to do for some man to pick you. But you got all these men just sitting there…chilling. They ain’t picking nobody! What’s that about?!”
At both events, I did my relationship-consulting thing, and I probed the groups to get a better understanding of what the problem was. And at both events, the intensity of their frustration was eerily the same: ‘I’m tired of waiting on these black men to finish ‘working on themselves’ and get their ‘ish together.
Look, I’ve done the research and know the valid reasons why black men among every other sex and race are hesitant to enter into committed relationships. But frankly, black women don’t care about the “why” anymore. They’re tired of hearing the “I didn’t have a father figure in my life” sob-story—regardless of how valid it is. They’re tired of hearing about the pressure society places on black men. Blah…blah…blah. They’ve had it just as hard too—if not harder.
And for real-for real, I couldn’t argue with them or mount a defense because I’m flummoxed too. I don’t get why single black men in their 30s or 40s, who say they want a relationship, are just chillin’ and content. It’s not like there aren’t some real good single Christian black women out there waiting for a dude to step to her. I know dozens of women I’d feel comfortable recommending to a dude. But I only know four single men whom I feel comfortable hooking them up with. And half of them are just chillin’.
My single brothers, here’s some free advice for you:
- If you’re not ready for a relationship, then don’t get into one. But I challenge you to define what ‘ready’ looks like. Is it financial, spiritual, emotional and/or educational? Because if you don’t know what your destination looks like, then you won’t know when you’ve arrive and when to stop looking.
- And as far as this “working on yourself” thing you’re doing, you’re doing it all wrong if you’re doing it by yourself. You need accountability from a married man who’s successfully “worked” on himself and got a wife. You need someone objective in your corner who can observe the work you’re doing and can tell you when to piss and when to get off the pot.
- Stop thinking “I have to get my money right before I can commit to a relationship.” That’s an old-school standard that’s now obsolete in this new era where black women probably make more money than you anyway (as my wife does). She don’t need yo’ money. She don’t want yo’ money. She just wants you.
- Lastly, make a decision! Please, brugh! Make a decision. Your indecisiveness is so wack. Look, there will always be someone who looks better, talks better, dresses better and is better than the woman you choose. But loving relationships are never about picking the best one. They’re about making your relationship the best with the one you picked.
I wish I could end this article with a warm and fuzzy happy ending. But we are still in the middle of this relationship saga. All I can say is, to be continued…
BMWK, why are black men just chillin’ and so hesitant to enter into relationships?