Are you a victim of déjà vu dating?. If your group chats with your best girlfriends are filled with complaints like–“Why does it always end up the same way? We’re in love, but he won’t commit. I shut down, then we’re in a limbo state. Before I know it, he’s on Facebook posting pictures with his new boo, and telling the world he’s going to get married. What’s wrong with me?”–then you are trapped in a cycle of either choosing the wrong man, ( or making the wrong choices with the right one).
Déjà vu is the feeling you get when you’re in a new situation but it feels like you’ve already lived through it. Déjà vu dating, then, is that feeling you get when you keep meeting the same man with a different face. You’re stuck in a pattern but you can’t seem to break free. I want to help you breakthrough this frustrating and vicious cycle so you can stop wasting time and choose a lasting relationship.
Breakthrough #1: Finish Your Past Relationships
One reason you keep choosing the same types of men is you have unfinished business from past relationships. Hear me: I know you feel like you’re over it and you may not even talk with your ex anymore, but you’ve got to know that all relationships leave an imprint on your heart and soul. When you don’t clear the emotional impact of the past, you could spend a lifetime unconsciously seeking out new relationships to fix the old wounds.
Stephen B. Poulter, Ph.D. calls this the ex-factor. “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations all make up your ex-factor.” It doesn’t matter if you were with someone for 20 years or 20 days. What matters is the emotional impact the relationship had on your life. To break the cycle of choosing the wrong men, and create a fresh new beginning, you’ve got to bring closure to the past.”
Breakthrough #2: Connect the Dots
Maybe all of your heartaches are a result of partners who deceived you. They hid their true selves from you, and you ended up on the short end of the stick because you trusted them. I still want you to connect the dots between your present frustration in dating and your past choices so that you can sharpen your discernment for the future.
Let go of any self-blame or judgment. I don’t want you to be hard on yourself at all. I want you to get curious and ask yourself, “Why did I trust him so easily? What did I miss and how did I explain it away?” The answer will lead you to the root of your Déjà vu dating pattern and you’ll have the clarity to move forward!
Breakthrough #3: Write Down the Lessons You’ve Learned
You didn’t waste your time in the wrong relationships. You gave that time away to someone you trusted, for better or worse. And now it’s time to get clear on the lessons you’ve learned so you can emerge stronger and wiser than ever before. Just be careful that the lessons you claim don’t cause you to harden your heart to love in the future. For example, “I’ll never trust anyone again,” is not a lesson. It’s a vow remain closed to love. You want to stay open! So you may reframe the pain of a broken heart into something like, “I’ve learned to trust myself and my instincts. I won’t second-guess myself again, and If I do, I’ll reach out to people I trust who can help me see if I’m missing any red flags.”
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If the new man you’ve just met is making you feel like Déjà vu, then that could be a sign that you haven’t done the work in your heart and mind to clear away the past and make powerful new decisions in love.
Claim your breakthrough! End the cycle of dating the same man with a different name so you can feel free and get the love you want.
BMWK, what lessons have you learned from your past relationships? How will they help you from choosing the wrong men in the future?