by Tara Pringle Jefferson
As a married 23-year-old, I don’t have a lot of peers. I can count the number of married friends on one finger. I obviously don’t expect all my friends to be married because ““ duh! ““ who gets married so early anyway? LOL.
While it hasn’t really been too much of an issue, I do get tired of hearing my friends say how good I have it because I’m married. In my head, I usually think, “Yeah, well, marriage has a lot of challenges on its own”...” I’m happy to be married, but it’s not the walk in the park my single friends would like to think. My one married friend feels the same way.
There are a lot of differences once you get married ““ your time/money/thoughts are not your own, you have to be considerate of your partner’s feelings, etc.
But friendships shouldn’t be based on marital status, but on mutual interests, compatibility, admired character traits. To restrict your group of friends to solely single/married people based on your current place in life would be foolish ““ right?
Weigh in ““ are most of your friends married or single? Is that intentional? Do you find you have more in common with people who are in the same place in life as you?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
Nina says
I am currently living with a married couple and they don’t treat me any differently because I am single. Yes, I’d also like to be married because for me, it represents a stability I have never had. On the same token, she is your age and I just turned 25. I have learned that I need to first give myself the stability that I am looking for in a stable relationship. Also, dating wouldn’t hurt either. 🙂
busybodyk says
I have a lot of married friends but my closest friends are single and I’m in my 30s. While there are a lot of differences between the priorities of single and married people I find that my close friendships remain close. My husband and I have very active social lives that didn’t really change much when we got married. Sometimes we do things together and sometimes we don’t. When my single friends want to go out to the club I’m there with them sometimes.
I think things will probably change more when we have children because it will change the amount of attention I have to give to my friendships. I have already noticed the split between my friends that have kids and those that don’t. Sorry, that’s another topic….
King James says
Hm.. I’m single.. late 20s.. and b/c of my fraternity life.. many of the men I hang with are married. But there is certainly a differences in interests and priorities which translate to us spending time doing different things.
But b/c relationshp status is such a HUGE concern/priority for most of us… it’s natural to spend more time with those whom share our status. for many of us.. that we have a conversation geared around it almost daily.
But you’re right.. it’s cool to have friends married and single. There was just a thread the other day about married folks having friends of the opposite sex.
Harriet and myself have written together and had convos about everything, but if we were in the same city.. we still wouldn’t be hanging nor getting tea together nor anything else. Although that deals with added dynamics, whatever name we put on it… folks need usually feel more comfort staying on their side.
King James says
Oh Nina.. your funny.. I’m following u since bout 30 seconds ago
DKing
Harriet says
I don’t know…I can honestly say that it’s about 40/60% on my single to married friends ratio.
As far as your comment, KJ, I think you’re right. Most of my single friends are mutual friends of my husband and I. The same is true of the married couples we chill with. There would have to be an established relationship between all parties involved, especially given the fact that you’re a man.
I will say this: the ratio of men to women when it comes to my SINGLE friends is probably 2/98%. It was totally opposite when I was single, though.
Strange how so much changes (better AND worse) when you get married and have to take more than just your feelings and way of doing things into consideration when it comes to relationships.
Anna says
I had to think about this. I don’t have friends because we’ve known each other so long, we are family. I don’t hang around ppl “just because”. I got rid of those ppl long before I met hubby. I don’t find it odd that single ppl hang out with married ppl and vice verca. As long as everyone stays in their lane and respects each other. This is a great post because, my daughter is getting married at 24. I never thought about what you have addressed until now. Most young ppl don’t get married anymore, but choose to “shack up”. or date the same person but live seperately. I guess it would be kind of awkward or lonely to be the only married couple in your circle. It’s like being the first to have a baby and none of your friends can identify or call you because they think you are too busy. LOL. Ppl, just because your bff has a spouse or a child, does not mean they don’t value the friendship. You can still have a girls night out, or a guys hang out night with other ppl. Just remember to have date night with each other, often.
Daisy says
I am in my early 30s and I have more single friends than married ones and I find that sad. Now if I were in my 20s it wouldnt be a big deal but we are prof. women who want to be married with kids and we dont even have a prospect in sight well maybe one of us does but they are going on yr 4 and still aint put a ring on it (they dont live together) none of us believe in playing house or shacking either. I have ONE married friend here in Atlanta and one gfriend from high school is married back in NC. My cousin got married last yr but she married outside the race (not my cup of tea) so I do think my one friend who is married with twins has it made per say but I do know and believe marriage is very hard work and they hit a rough patch after the twins. Being 33 and single is not where I thought I would be but I am making the best of it and still holding out hope for my KING! (other than God lol )
So I see both sides of the coins on this one.
Fergie says
I have to say that I believe married people should only have couples as friends, and these friendships should of course be mutual! I especially believe that the husband shouldn’t have friends of the opposite sex, nor should the wife! My wife had several male “friends” despite my disapproval and against my advice. I warned her that these “friends” weren’t really friends at all. She didn’t believe me at first. Eventually she came to realize that I was right. All these “friends” wanted was to eventually get in her pants! When that failed, they basically told her to shove it! I’m glad she didn’t give in, and I’m proud of her for learning that valuable lesson…though it cost her a little embarrassment and pain. I believe that single people have completely different priorities and responsibilities, and that they can be a bad influence on one or both partners! I’ve been married for just under 10 years now. In the beginning my wife and I kept our single friends. We sometimes went out with them together, and sometimes seperately. At first it was ok, then after a while we both started to “miss” the single life and we actually envied our single friends. My wife in particular, because we married when she was pretty young, started to realize how much she had missed out on. She felt as though she may have been robbed of some of the fun things she now couldn’t do. We also realized that if we had any problems, we definately couldn’t talk to our single friends about those problems. They just couldn’t comprehend because they didn’t have those same responsibilities and priorities. Advice from single friends was usually not even remotely relevant either. If I confided in a single friend, I knew I didn’t have to worry about them telling on me to my wife. I also didn’t have to get “the speech” about how I should probably be at home working on my problem with my wife. My married friends on the other hand would basically chew my ass if I didn’t confront my wife with our problem, and many times they would actually help “break the ice” for me when it came to discussing something important with my wife. Our married friends very much understood most of our problems and could not only sympathize, but in most cases they could relate. Many times our single friends couldn’t be bothered with such things as babysitting. They didn’t want to give up their spare time to help us out if we wanted to go out on a date without our child. Our married friends on the other hand, were usually more than willing to help out. They knew it was mutually beneficial to help each other. There are just too many difficulties when it comes to having single friends! I remember there was a time when I actually considered divorcing my wife. I’d talked to my single friend, and the first thing he said was “dude, i totally know this chick…(you get the point)!” When I discussed the same issue with my married friends, they actually helped me through the problem. They came over and helped me start the conversation that actually helped fix my marriage! So again, I think single friends can be more of a nuisance than anything!
Mrs. CJ says
It’s funny that I came across this because I was just thinking about how I wished that I had more married friends. I have never had alot of girl-friends to begin with, but the one’s I do have aren’t married. It’s fine–we still have stuff in common. After all, I am more than just a married mother. But I do wish I had someone to compare notes with and call up for friendly marital advice at 12 am. The only thing that saves me is that I talk to my big sister (31) who’s also married. I’m silently waiting for my friends to find Mr. Right and get married already, lol. Of course, we’re all in the mid-20’s stage, so it’s rare these days to find people who want to marry at that age.
steelwingedangel says
I have been married for almost a year and I am starting to realize how hard it is to have single friends. I am not saying I don’t love my single friends or don’t want to hang out with them, it’s just that they are in a different season of life than I am. That and I honestly get pretty tired of hearing them literally cry over how lonely and single they are. I get it. I know how they feel, but I’ve moved beyond that. Being single and horribly lonely isn’t my reality anymore. I have tried to be helpful by offering advice and being supportive, but I am getting tired and frustrated. I want to be there for them, but I don’t know how. I think I need the support of married friends, which I don’t seem to have enough of.