Dr. Buckingham

I’ve known my boyfriend for over sixteen years and he has always been supportive of my dreams and me. He has been by my side through some of the toughest times of my life (The realization and healing from my childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, and PTSD). I’ve taken some time away from the relationship to live, travel, and grow. He has been my best friend throughout those times.

Now, we’ve been seeing each other for the past eight months and are discussing marriage in the next two years. He currently has nine years left in his sentence. He is a man of God who prays with and for me. My children love him and I do too. What are your thoughts about women dating incarcerated men?

True Love,

Dear True Love,

To begin, I praise you for allowing your heart to guide you. I say this because women who date men in prison are typically judged very harshly and unfairly. Prior to getting educated about this phenomenon, I was fairly ignorant and judgmental. Initially, I assumed that women who dated men in prison suffered from low self-esteem and were not stable enough mentally to meet and date “free” men. However, I quickly learned that my assumption and assessment was not accurate. I have worked with and know women from all walks of life (lawyers, nurses, teachers, business women, etc.) who date men in prison. Believe it or not, some of these women are confident, attractive, patient and mentally stable.

On a personal note, my nephew is currently serving two life sentences, but got married in August 2014 to a very successful woman. Upon meeting my nephew’s wife, I had a thousand questions running through my mind. Question number one, “Why would a woman date or marry a man who is serving any time in prison, especially a man who is serving more than 10 years?”

Through conversations with my nephew’s wife and a few other hundred women, I learned that these relationships develop just like any other “normal” relationship. The women spend time conversing with the imprisoned men and feelings develop. The process for connecting and falling in love is the same, but the circumstances are different. Some of them shared with me that they have very strong emotional and spiritual connections with their men because they are not tainted by physical intimacy.

They feel more attracted too and connected to these men because they are being stimulated emotionally and mentally. My nephew’s wife told me that she knows what she is dealing with and understands that she will feel lonely at times and celebrate numerous special occasions by herself. These kinds of relationships are not for everybody, but they work for women who are okay with a constant voice over the phone and weekly visits. I share this with you because I do not believe that prison bars can stop or prevent true love from blossoming.

On a cautionary note, take your time. Explore if this is what you really want and can cope with. Men in prison can be very manipulative, charming and smooth. These characteristics might not pertain to your friend or be an issue for you since you have known him for many years. However, do not rush into marriage. After your friend is released from prison, wait to see how his adjustment goes. If you feel that your friend is the man for you, move forward and let God guide you. I found my wife after I removed conditions and expectations that kept my heart guarded. Seek professional guidance to help with processing and let God take the steering wheel.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.