I’m just going to keep it real. You’re still single because you’re falling in love with men who have “potential.”
If someone has potential, it means that there’s something that can possibly be developed, but there’s no guarantee that it will ever come to pass.
When you fall in love with potential, you end up becoming “A Fixer,” someone who will give time, money and energy trying to love someone into who you think they could become, instead of accepting him for who he is.
Now I know some sisters will say, “Are you saying I need to find a man who has it all together before I date him? Isn’t that being too hard on a man?” No, I am not saying that at all. There are many men who are committed to personal growth, and are actively chasing their dreams. These men are activating their potential!
What I am warning you about is entering into a relationship (or marriage!) thinking that you’ll be able to change a man.
For example, let’s say you met a man and you really like him. He’s in between jobs, doesn’t have a car, lives with his parents, and is deep in debt. You see that he’s intelligent, is ambitious, and talks about his plans to change his situation.
The more time you spend with him, the more you like him and you can see him one day becoming a great husband and father. He has big dreams and talks about them all the time.
You believe he has potential to be great one day, so you buy him books, help him look for jobs, lend him your car, pay for dates, and even loan him money.
This guy maybe hasn’t even claimed you as his woman yet, but you see the potential for your relationship. He may have given you a disclaimer that sounds something like, “I’m just not the marrying type,” or “I’m not sure I’m in a place where I can really love someone.”
Instead of accepting what he says at face value, you interpret his words to mean he just needs a little help learning how to be emotionally available.
You decide to show him how to love by being selfless, forgiving, and patient with him. He happily accepts everything you give him because he believes he’s covered his bases by sharing his honest thoughts about relationships and marriage.
Should you stick it out with him because of his potential, or move on?
You’ll know what to do based on your answer to two questions:
First, how does he see his own potential and what is he willing to do about it?
If he blames people and circumstances for his current situation (it’s the economy; no one will hire me; it’s my ex-wife’s fault) then chances are he won’t take responsibility for his life.
He probably won’t be willing to do the work to change things either. He’ll always have a dream or a goal, but won’t take any real steps toward making anything happen!
Second, if he never changes, are you willing to live with the way things are?
The biggest problem with dating a man for his potential is that you want him to change more than he desires to change. This leads to frustration, misunderstanding, resentment, and devastating heartbreak.
Trying to change a man is a waste of time. People only change when they are ready to change and there isn’t enough loving, nagging, or praying that can force them into become another person.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you. So do yourself a favor and stop falling in love with potential. It’s leading you into pain!
Fall in love with a man’s ability to be consistent, because that’s the only way you can know what to expect from him, and you’ll be on your way to a real, lasting relationship.
BMWK, have you ever dated a man with “potential?” How did it turn out?
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