Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have read several of your articles and decided to ask a question that has been bothering me for sometime now. I am single Christian woman who spends the majority of my time in church or hanging out with church people. I am new to the church thing. I did not grow up in church, so I am still adjusting to the church environment. I guess I would say that I am a babe in Christ.
After joining the Single’s Ministry, I was approached by this handsome guy who was serving as a deacon in the church. After dating for some time, I noticed that something was not right. He is very flirtatious and overly friendly with females. Every time I look up he is in some woman’s face complimenting her. I know that he should be friendly considering that he is a Deacon and all, but he should not be telling women how beautiful they are and saying things about how good they look in their outfits.
When I mentioned my concerns, he told me to quit tripping and reassured me that he is has no intentions of sleeping around, but stated that he likes to interact with a variety of women. He told me that God has removed his desire to sleep with multiple women. I believe him somewhat, but I am still concerned that his hoish tendencies will eventually lead to cheating. I am truly bothered. Should I Marry a Holy man who has Hoish “Unsanctified” ways?
Looking For Love,
Dear Looking for Love,
I am fairly open-minded about a lot of things and try not to pass judgment. However, I am not perfect. With this in mind, my response to your question is “No, No and No.” I realize that spiritual leaders are not perfect and will make mistakes like the rest of us. However, I have a problem with any spiritual leader who uses the church as a platform to manipulate and flirt with women. Being Holy and Hoish does not go hand in hand. They are completely opposite.
Here is a little break down.
A holy man prays for women. A hoish man preys on women.
A holy man works hard so that women can give themselves to Christ. A hoish man works hard so that women can give themselves to him.
A holy man is virtuous and seeks to please God. A hoish man is immoral and seeks to please himself.
A holy man appreciates and flirts with his woman. A hoish man appreciates and flirts with women.
Please understand that spiritual leaders are appointed and entrusted to help save souls. I realize that we all have flaws, but mixing holiness and hoing should not be one of them. It appears that your fiancé is still struggling with walking and living righteous. Before you say I do, give him some more time to cleanse his soul of his flirting ways. Encourage him to seek guidance and counseling so that he can heal properly. Unfortunately, there are some spiritual leaders who do not know what it means to lead. They do not have to strive to be perfect, but they should strive to be righteous.
Make sure that your fiancé’s moral character is one that you can live with for the rest of your life. He might be healed internally, but he is not demonstrating it externally. As the saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” If you are not happy with his flirting behavior now, you probably will not be happy with it in marriage. Your fiancé needs to gain greater insight into his behavior. If he thinks and acts like a ho; people will perceive him to be a ho. If you can see his hoish tendencies so can others. The holy ghost is powerful, but so is the flesh. If you decide to move forward with marriage, get some professional counseling outside of church.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Hi. I would like to know how you feel about Christians eating at hooters tilted kilt twin peaks and other restaurants of this nature. I feel it is wrong. Thank you
Some people take their families to these restaurants. To them it’s not a big deal. But if you are not okay with the person you are seeing going there… or if it’s a fiance or husband… then they should respect your wishes.
We are living in a society where sex sells, so I could understand your concern. Although these establishments aren’t like going to a strip club or gentleman’s club, if a person is weak and they cant pass a woman without lusting, then they may not need to go. But it’s like generations before when they had the cigarette girls at restaurants or the rollerskating waitresses at the local hot dog/hamburger stand, in tight tops and mini skirts or short shorts. It’s socially acceptable, this isn’t a new thing. It’s up to Christian couples to decide together what is appropriate or not…I don’t think this is a cookie cutter one fits all answer.
Excellent advice. The young lady needs to also spend time in the Word and seek the Lord’s directions. There may have been some vulnerability / naivete on her part that attracted Him to her.
It’s sad that some people take advantage of their position and authority this way. I’m glad this lady had a outlet to ask her question and receive sound advice. Some aren’t so fortunate.
All the best to her. 🙂
http://www.silkoyster.com
Amen Dr!!!
So she’s sleeping with him??? What kind of Christian man….
I had to re-read that… and you are right!
A holy man or woman doesn’t have hoish tendencies because God has saved them from that. In order to date a holy man, you must be a holy woman. Why doesn’t she call herself a holy woman vs christian woman because those two names have different meaning. This letter is very vague on details. How does she know he is flirting with all these women? Is she right there when he is talking with them or are women coming back to her and saying that he is? From her words, he doesn’t admit that he is doing what she claims because he supposedly told her to stop trippin. There is nothing wrong with complimenting people in the church because women of all ages compliment men and men compliment women. The compliments given range from how a person was singing, their outfit, their kindness towards others, what a great job they are doing in a ministry, and so on. I am still trying to figure out what he has done for her to think he has hoish tendencies because compliments and flirting is not what comes to mind when you think of those kind of tendencies. Is he talking to these women outside of the church? Since she doesn’t consider flirting as cheating, is her definition of cheating sleeping with someone? Is the woman writing this letter sleeping with the deacon? Sounds like she may have some trust and insecure issues to label what he is doing to that extreme. Like I mentioned, this letter is very vague with too many unanswered questions.