Fellas, tell me if this has happened to you? When you finally meet a lil’ shorty who’s got some potential after being single for a minute. And all of a sudden when things are looking promising, your ex-girl resurfaces, talkin’ bout, “I was just thinking about you. How you doin’?”
Or maybe it’s a situation when you swore you were done with your ex. But your old-girl texts you talkin’ bout, “I miss you. What happen to us?”
Now, something triggers inside you, imploring you to open a chapter you thought you’d closed for good. And you start doing the Mary J. Blige…and ‘reminiscing on the love you had’.
But SKERT! While you’re reminiscing on the love you had, also reminisce on the fights you had, the arguments you had, the misunderstandings and miscommunications you had.
But that was then, this is now – you figure. And you can’t help but wonder if your ex popping back into your life is a sign to give things another try. After all, maybe this is the Lord giving you a do-over. Or, it could be that tricky-old-devil tempting you, trying to derail your future?
Your old self would have came with this logic: If you’re working on something with Miss Potential, conventional wisdom says you should play them both until you decide which one you want. After all, who wants to get rid of that potential without knowing if your ex is going to work out? But you decide not to do that because you’re not trying to be that guy anymore.
But absent of new-wisdom, what do you do? How do you choose between your ex or the next?
The answer lies in three important questions you must seriously answer to determine what’s best for you to do. They are so important; I actually answered these questions when choosing from three women who were in my life at the time. And I’m happy to report, the answers to those questions landed me my beautiful, loving wife of 19 years now.
1. What do I know about her, today?
When considering between multiple women, you have to make the best decision with the information available at the time. So take into consideration all the information you know about each woman…today. And don’t worry about the unknowns of tomorrow.
Understand that, as your relationship evolves with whomever you choose, there will always be unknowns that reveal themselves over time. And all you can do is deal with that information, together, when it reveals itself.
2. With all the love, skills and resources I bring to the table, who can I serve the most?
Forget about how she makes you feel, the sex and all the fluffy stuff people reference to describe love. The bottom line is…happy successful relationships are all about what each of you are willing to do for the other person.
So, based on what you bring to the table, how much of it are you willing to deploy in service to make her happy—50, 75 or 100 percent? Give this some serious thought, and think hard about the reason you would hold back.
If you show me what you’re not willing to give to serve her, I’ll show you why your relationship won’t last.
3. Who Do I Trust the Most with Me?
With all the love, skills and resources you bring to the table AND with all the fragile, tender and emotional parts that make up who you are, ask yourself: in who’s bosom do you feel the most comfortable resting your head? Who do you trust the most with all of who you are? Who do you feel safest with?
When it came down to choosing between my final three women, I chose my wife based on question No. 3. I felt I could be my ‘best self’ to her. And question No. 4 confirmed she was the best one for me.
BONUS: Stop Looking and Start Creating
I got married at 27. If I waited longer, could I have found somebody better? Maybe, but I doubt it. Sure I could have waited until I was 30, 35 or even 40. But by then, I would have wasted 13 years looking for someone better instead of spending 13 incredible years creating a better marriage with the one I chose.
Even when I was engaged, I randomly bumped into an old flame, but I wasn’t interested nor even curious because I knew I chose a woman who I could build a strong life together with…And since then, my wifey has had me focused on another MJB tune: Don’t you look no more…Love without a limit!
BMWK, based on this information, should you choose your ex or the next?