“Bad boys aint no good
Good boys aint no fun
Lord knows that I should
Run off with the right one…”
-Mr. Wrong by Mary J. Blige
When was the last time you heard a song that celebrated the virtues of a good man? That same representation is lacking in film, television, and all other forms of entertainment. Popular culture celebrates the “bad boy” while deriding the good guy as often as possible.
What makes a bad boy appealing to any woman? There are a number of possible reasons. The following are a few of those reasons straight from their mouths.
Attraction
“Bad boys are attractive.” To say that bad boys are attractive is an assessment of an entire group of males that fit within a particular category. It implies that it’s only bad boys that are attractive.
A man’s physical appearance does not dictate his behavior or character.
Behavior and character are not confined to a particular look. A man can pass or fail the fluid concept of attractive and be either a good guy or a bad boy. Arguably, what each culture finds attractive is in many ways socially engineered, which explains why different cultures have different standards of beauty.
The bad boy is a mainstay in film, television, print, video games, and every other form of entertainment. Every generation has had their archetypal icons that fit within the bad boy construct. “A picture is still worth a thousand words” and each image is useful in shaping the reality of a people for good or bad.
Protection
“A woman wants to feel protected.” Many women express this need. While this epression is an understandable desire, it assumes that a woman can only feel protected with a bad boy in her life. Ironically, bad boys are more likely to jeopardize a woman’s sense of security, at least emotionally, if not in many other ways as well.
Bad boys are notoriously unfaithful.
They’re in such high demand that they spread themselves thin among many women instead of confining themselves to one woman as is typical of good guys. Apparently, being in such high demand affords them the privilege of unending forgiveness for such treasonous infractions even when the behavior becomes habitual.
“Bad boys ain’t no good
Good boys ain’t no fun…”
Is there really fun to be experienced during the process of an impending heart-break? If so, is the fun worth the scars that are left behind to mark the memories?
Sex
Often, sex is the reason given for why a bad boy is the preferred choice as though bad behavior and good sex are somehow synonymous. For most couples, sex comes sometime later.
There has to be some initial draw that piques a woman’s interest in a man long before getting to any point of physical intimacy and there also must be something to sustain her interest after the initial allure. Sex comes sometime later after this level of connection has been established between most couples. So then what is the proverbial bridge that connects bad boys with good sex?
Social Constructs
Where do these notions come from that are ascribed to bad boys, and why are those who do so much bad loved so much, while those who do good are labeled boring?
Bad boys and good guys don’t fit so neatly into their respective neatly labeled boxes. To be a good guy does not relegate a man to being hopelessly boring or necessarily physically unnattractive.
The opposite is true of a bad boy. A man can be good and still manage to make a woman feel protected contrary to the popular (mis)representation of popular culture. I think it’s safe to say that entertainment and other media outlets greatly impact our ideas of attraction as well our behavior.
Certain behaviors and appearances are rewarded and others are cause for rejection. We learn these lessons early on when we are still innocent and unaware that our minds are being shaped.
We have learned that “Beauty and Beasts” are a perfect accompaniment to one another. We have learned that love always has a tragic end as demonstrated by “Romeo and Juliet.” We have learned that physical attraction is more important than substance as taught by “Cyrano De Bergerac.”
‘How we appear is more important than who we are’ is the lie that has been sold, and we’re all paying a hefty price for it in the decline of our relationships. Good is to be rejected and bad is to be desired.
It’s only when we awaken that we realize we, as well as those we choose to share our life with, deserve “the good” that life has to offer us. “The bad” comes as a part of life and not as a preferred choice over good because ‘it makes life more exciting.’ True love makes life more exciting. It frightens us, it thrills us as it builds us and we are free to experience the fullness of its true essence between us as it was meant from the beginning.
BMWK, is the bad boy all he’s made out to be?
It would be interesting to hear from a woman who’s in love or has been in love with a bad-boy…..
Agreed!
When I was younger, I dated two bad boys. They didn’t present themselves as bad boys, but I found that out shortly after some sort of emotional entanglement. Looking back, I can clearly see that I ended up with them, because it was at the time in my life when I had little to no experience with men and I wasn’t given much guidance on how to protect myself. The bad boys in my life were assertive, confident, charming and very attractive (a leathal combination). Nice girls do not go around thinking that they can’t wait to end up with someone that is going to put their hearts through a ringer, they just want to be loved and many bad boys offer this false promise. To put it bluntly, some “bad boys” have serious game. I have always liked nerds and the nice guy, but the other guy does not waste time any many nice guys do. If a bad boy sees what he wants, he goes after it swiftly. Things may have changed a bit over the past few years, but most girls and women wait for a man to approach them. I now guard myself and have no desire to associate with any man that can be described as “bad” or “boy”, but I think that this is the case for many girls or women, at least in my opinion. I hope that was helpful.
I can relate to your comments. The “bad boys” exhibit a suave side, while the “nerd” type would be awkward and appear to be not confident. Now I am guarding my heart, and constantly ask the Lord to keep the impostors away so that I no longer fall for any traps.
Renee,
the “nerd” isn’t the only other choice a woman has. Often, the nerd is mentioned as if a woman only has two choices, a bad boy or a nerd. A good guy is neither a bad boy nor is he necessarily a nerd.
Popular culture inundates us with images that make bad boys appealing to ladies and men. Ladies want them and guys want to be like them while the good guy is presented as a nice loser that no one wants or wants to be.
The good guy that knows how to treat a lady, doesn’t lack confidence, isn’t awkward, and physically appealing to women is strangely missing from mainstream media as though they’re non-existent.
Great explanation. Totally understandable. Recently, at a college radio interview, I had a young lady tell me that “Girls like bad boys because we think we can change them.” It wasn’t my first time hearing this. There are some ladies that prefer these types. I have my ideas why. Sounds like tge topic of another article 🙂
I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts as to why women consistently date the “bad boy” type.
Anonymous,
when a woman habitually dates bad boys that’s a tell-tale sign she has low self-worth. It’s one thing to date a man only to find that he is not really the kind person he presented himself to be as one lady experienced above.
It’s altogether different when a woman continues to date a man after he removes his mask and reveals himself to be less than noble.
A person’s dating choices reflect the value they see in themselves. When a woman values herself, she will only date men that treat her as though she is valuable. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. When a woman does not value herself, she will consistently date men that treat her with very little respect if any at all.
The woman who values herself will discontinue a dating relationship when a man who behaves in ways that dishonor her because she values herself above the treatment she is receiving.
Conversely, the woman who has low self-worth will try to prove to the same man why she deserves better treatment from him. She will do anything to gain his love though she will never get it. She will find herself in an “arrangement” where a man makes time for sex with her and not much more. She comforts herself with the false hope that one day will see her worth and change his behavior. The problem is he has already assessed her worth. His treatment of her reflects his view of her. The fact that she remains reflects her self-worth.
Through all of my 20s I dated “bad boys.” There are many reasons why I and likely other women do this. 1) You come from a family background with chaotic relationships. 2) Scared of true intimacy. 3) Low-self worth. However, once I healed myself then I was able to see that I was actually attracted to, and attracting dysfunctional men into my life. And, lets be clear – “bad boys” are always dysfunctional. I’ve been in an amazing relationship for five years now and have never been happier. I am loved and supported in an amazing way. In order to get to peace and happiness you have to do the inner work.
Mstiva, I couldn’t agree with you more.